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Last updated: Sunday, April 6, 2014 1:08 AM CST

THE REPORT

Fly wombat fly

HI!!! Hello? Who's there? Email is not obsolete
dumb my space page

April 6, 2014
Plotline hash out

In the past when the waking world would demand my attention and start taking up most of my time, writing would get pushed to the back burners to the point where I couldn't focus on it, which would be depressing (yes, seriously, I would get bent out of shape that I was wasting time and considering that my body was prepping to be a ticking time bomb of terrible diseases for my latter years, I guess I was right). But this past March, my brain has decided that it could, in fact, work writing into my daily schedule (Note: the weekend is also busy, laundry and food needs to be gathered and made for the week.). That despite working at least 14 hours depending how fast I move and whether or not I'm wearing the right shoes, I could come home and in the hour and a half before I have to go to bed I have to pack my lunch and dinner including throw together a salad, bathe (Really? Again? You people and your demands! What-ev-er!), and at least knock out a bit of the outline. I would say I got a good 90% of it done but then came the set backs recently. I was getting tangled in my plotlines of the books and unfortunately, this required more brain power than I could give it at 10:30 at night.

The solution was to print it out and take it with me. I also decided to stop the preconceived number of books (five). It was nice and neat but there are a few sections that are only like a paragraph long. It's just been interesting. When I started this back in 2009, I believe I was a year in on taking happy pill every five days. I could write but I found it hard to relate to the characters or even visualize them. I thought this was just because I wasn't feeling cheery enough. And I did manage get through writing a basic plot and outline all the while being enamored by it all (flashing colors, sparkles! magic! happy ponies! wheeee!) But it's like I never figured out that it was the pill (well it was designed not to let me worry unless I was able to fight it which I did on the occasion but then I pulled the kill switch and went back into my stupor) and now that I'm going over this with a fine tooth comb it is painfully obvious that it was the case. But then again, I don't think I was much better without it--I'm not a complete lost cause I did write a private eye story and sequel in high school that was actually coherent and complete. I swear it wasn't a fluke.

My brain is finally doing what I always wanted it to do or thought it could always somehow do, but I still have these temporary memory lapses (I think about having to do something and it's like the thought never takes root, runs a lap around my brain and shows up an hour later). Aside from that minor setback, I printed it out and once I got reacquainted with the flashes of plot coherence that I managed to tackle while bogged out of my mind, I was able to build solid stuff around it that I'm pretty sure aren't plot clichťs and I'm weaving it all together (I got half way done with the first book and it's going to need some big details fixed before I can continue).

Basically, if I didn't insist on writing, I could be happily ignorant about what's actually wrong with me as it's pretty much the only indicator that I see the problems. Or at least still oblivious on the happy pill (oh but then I would be popular and slightly nauseated). Drifting amongst people I didn't feel anything for--living the life of only a commerce pusher, a background ornament in someone else's more important life story, the irrelevant meatsack.

But now that I've gone to the entry's point of existential nihilism, I need to sleep (regardless of what my brain wants to do, this is the best thing for it if it ever wants to accomplish anything). If Only...

You know, I kind of feel bad (feeeeling--there's that word again!), here I am going on like my life is pretty much a secret mess that was working against me since I was born but here's a Hanson song at the end of it. Try to enjoy it while I do my best to destroy your life delusion bubble that works out for you because you aren't as talented with illness and bad livers as I am.

March 31, 2014
I have come to share. I saw these on Sunday on the Oprah channel. Don't snub your nose at it, it's all very true and stop giving me that look.
Oprah and Gary Zukav
Oprah and Eckhart Tolle.

March 30, 2014
Who can truly know what lies in the hearts of man? God? But you, sir, are no God.

I am bothered. This is my area. This area is about relevant honesty. Yet, if I am honest about things that disturb my mind, particularly about job, it would bring trouble my way. There is a slight chance I could still be flying under the radar concerning them, I doubt it though, I wouldnít put it past them to somehow find me (despite the fact that if you arenít specifically looking for this site, you will not find it on the google search). This is exactly the reason why I never discussed Edóthe one who initially caused the excessive probing.

But then again, I shouldnít let this get to me. They have made their decision, once that happens, it doesnít get changed unless itís like 30 years later and someone noticed that whatís going on is isnít logical (but thatís how it works, if you change it, it falls apart). They do what they want in the mean time, and I just get to deal with it. I canít have this job continuously upending my life if I want to finish my book. So itís best not to focus too much on it.

But thatís the thing with this new further probing coming up. I originally read the article in last entry in the STL Post, I wanted to find the complete article and could only find the link in the Dallas paper (not even from the source of the Associated Press). But it said that the probing wonít stop even if Iím no longer working there. It would continue for retirees even. No word if they plan on storing our corpses in glass tubes in the halls to make sure weíre dead (no this is not a suggestion!). Seriously though, how far will they go with this to stop leaks? Will they be searching our houses if they deem it necessary (this is also not a suggestion)?

Sure, I donít have anything and probably wonít have anything to hide. Itís the point that I am now reaping the consequences of someone else just like they did to me in school (I used to resent this. But were they possibly preparing me for this?).

On the upside, I can never claim that Iíll be alone ever again (and thereís at least one person reading this). However, the other issue is judgment. I am now guilty and I donít think I have any chance to be proven innocent (suck on that irony). I have a good chance of being misjudged. Itís easy to do and has happened before (only this time, it can completely wreck my life). I already fit the profile of neíer-do-wells particularly now that Iím off the happy pills (also suck on that irony of having to be on drugs in order to be employed by them). The usual defense mechanism of keeping my mouth shut can only go so far if theyíre always on me. But I know a few things about myself that wonít change no matter what. I know I canít pull off anything, I donít want to leak anything, I also donít think I know anything worthwhile or could find anything really damaging. Thereís a part of me that just doesnít want to ascend to any other jobs here otherwise I might not be able to get out. But try telling that to people who already have it out for you.

I know. They had to take action, make a decision, do damage control. Like always, they came to the wrong decision and they arenít looking at the right problem or even the root of the problem.

I have often felt that their current methods of probing donít capture who I am. Itís not about who knows me, where Iíve been, or how much money I have. Itís about what Iíve been through and how I felt/feel about itóthose are the things that shape events. Most people donít know what theyíre capable of until the right circumstances present themselves. Itís the little changes that happen to a person every day that lead down a path to catastrophic events and thatís impossible to track.

Essentially, this is a battle of ideas and wills. Some of those are selfishly motivated, but most of it happened to further a cause or to right a wrong (if it is, is subjective). Thatís how I see Ed, heís not bad, he was fed the same PSAs in the late 80s, early 90sódo the right thing; change the world; do anything if we put our minds to it including jump out of a window and fly. For some strange reason, he must not have been paying attention when the Patriot Act came out right after the attack because even I remember it and I donít remember a lot of things. But then again, cell phones back then arenít what they are now and things on the internet are way different and seemingly more traceable. It must have been pretty terrible stuff for him to leave a sweet get up in Hawaii, six figure salary, and girlfriend. Itís unfortunate though, that he most likely didnít change anything (I donít work for the departments he used to work for, itís just a guess based on what Iíve observed, like always, I donít put it past them).

Itís also a constant practice in forgiveness, acceptance, and tolerance. Forgiveness of the blunders, the wastefulness; acceptance that maybe you canít change the world working here, no matter what you believed before, and if you do then often times it will only create more problems later; and tolerance of it all, enough to keep showing up every day because no matter how much weíre paid it can still get to a person particularly when youíre told that it matters.

Anyway, back to the real matter of this site.
Book: Itís like I have a massive amount of technical notes of whatís out there in the universe and I donít know if I need it or not. This story probably isnít that technical, but it would be nice to interact with the universe. Itís also hard considering stuff theyíd run into would most likely kill them dead a few times over.

Last week, I also started a new experiment. My liver was acting like a jerk again after being told to shut it with acupuncture ( and I looked into the science of acupuncture on Google and even they donít understand how or why it works) and I was still having issues that the congaplex just couldnít kill off completely. Itís still a considerable improvement compared to what I used to deal with but I wanted it all gone and it just wouldnít heal. If I remember right, and I think I do, the liver is a major factor in healing the body. So I decided to try and detox my liver. But there was a problem, it told me to go eat a whole bunch of naturally sweet things like grapefruits, pineapples, and granny smith apples. Right now, pretty much every type of sugar and I do not get alongóit is my frenemy (it was telling lies about me behind my back and I was all like ooo girl you did not just do that). So it would be detrimental to eat this, it would ultimately be causing the problems that my liver is trying to fix in the first place (does that make any sense?). However, there was one thing that the internet suggestedóTurmeric. The liver apparently loves Turmeric and after a week of taking a fourth of a teaspoon of it every morning (I swallow it with water), I would have to agree. I did a fourth of a teaspoon because before when I was having sugar problems, I would take a cinnamon pill. Those were kind of expensive so I figured the cheaper loose cinnamon would be just as good, I just had to know how much was in the pill so I broke open one and measured it out and thatís how much was in it. That might have been detrimental as well because I read lately that there are two types of cinnamon on the market the most common one (Cassia) apparently does liver damage eaten in large quantities. Great. But, as Iíve also read recently the liver also has a hand in insulin as well as the pancreas
. Insulin is the hormone that mops up glucose - sugar - from the bloodstream. Along with the liver, muscles are an important sink for storing this sugar.
'When glucose hits the cells, a series of chain reactions take place, allowing it to get inside them. This ease of transfer is known as insulin sensitivity,' says Dr Vanderpump.
'When you're not moving, your muscles become less adept at taking up glucose from the bloodstream and more insulin-resistant. Small, regular movements will improve insulin action at muscle level.'
Just one day of prolonged sitting can lead to a decline in insulin response, according to a study three years ago from the University of Massachusetts Amherst. But just spending time standing up - using a standing desk at work, for example - can get your muscles working, explains Mike Trenell, professor of movement and metabolism at Newcastle University.
'To stay upright you have to engage the postural muscles, a big muscle mass that includes the abdominals, calves and quadriceps - the more muscles you can use the better.'

Childhood Erin was also right, back in the day one of my odd childhood traits was loving mustard. Turmeric is one of the ingredients (although, I hate to disappoint you, I didnít put it on everything).

The liver might also be playing a role in my slight but obnoxious endocrine system problems.

THUNDER THIGHS
CAUSE: Too much oestrogen
It may look good on Beyonce, but fat on the buttocks and thighs can be a sign of raised levels of oestrogen as well as poor oestrogen metabolism, says Max Tomlinson.
'The bottom and thighs are an efficient place to store fat without impacting on the body's general function or stability,' he says. 'The body needs to store a certain amount of fat in order to be able to have children. And since oestrogen is associated with fertility, it may be that as the body produces more, it accumulates safely around the lower half to ensure a woman is sturdy enough to carry a baby.'
WHAT TO DO: Taking the Pill or HRT can raise oestrogen levels, so speak to your GP about changing medication if you are concerned about this kind of weight gain in your bottom and thighs.
Stock up on cruciferous vegetables, such as broccoli and cabbage, says nutritionist Dr Sam Christie, as these contain micronutrients that help to regulate liver enzymes that metabolise oestrogen. Other nutrients that are good for regulating oestrogen levels are found in soy products and flax seeds. Cut down on alcohol, painkillers, processed meat and coffee. Eating live yoghurt can help your gut in removing oestrogen.

But I most likely have a ways to go though, I read on Cracked that chronic exposure to cadmium causes liver, kidney, and lung failure amongst other things. In my last hair analysis, I was told that I was seeping Cadmium (as in, itís finally coming out instead of building up and staying there). No idea how or when this happened. It may not be damaging my liver permanently, just sucker punching it for no good reason.

On top of all that Iíve broke down and bought the aloe juice from the Walmartóthat which I mix with my cranberry juice because aloe juice is kind of funky straight. I didnít want to buy this before because I thought it was a diureticósomething I didnít need. But I donít think it is, then again, Iím not downing a giant glass of it in one sitting (more like half a glass). It seems to be doing something. My face skin appears less irritated but still not completely clear. I've got my speed back, I find it easier to move quickly for a long period of time, and this entry is way more coherent and was easier to put together.

That's all we have for today. It's time to go to sleep, to go somewhere while I'm gone.

Hang in there.

March 17, 2014
Current status in outline: Book 4 of 5. I have a few major plot points throughout this series but Iím still concerned that itís too sparse in between. I want five books because I want the reader to feel the time pass in these books. Action upon action is a movie thing and I think one of my first drafts ended up that way and it was rushed. Iím also thinking about the last half of the first book and a character in particular. I understand why heís there with the ultimate concept that Iím trying to portray but Iím starting to wonder if there is any rhyme or reason to him. Iím finding it hard to find the justification as to what I want him to do and given the situation that my main character is in, it seems kind of flippant to deal with him in the midst of it. I probably shouldnít think of it, until I can get back to it particularly since I canít remember everything that I wrote in the first place.

I had to rewrite a society of mineóit was too open for what I needed it to do. And ultimately the super power would have been useless in a vast societal structure. I think thatís the main problem with most super powers, theyíre useless if everyone has the ability. Bruce helped me out with that one, he had to remind me of genetics (He obviously doesnít understand, I need to live in a cartoon world where everything is one thing only and everything stays the same because itís easier to deal with. FOR-EV-ER).

I suppose Iíll be running into this doing it easy or doing it right conundrum as I continue. When I donít work on the book for a while, my brain gets back to its old hobby of questioning whether this is the right plot line in general or if itís too melodramatic, sometimes it's whether or not I'm writing coherently or good enough. A part of me also seems to think that itís been done somewhere else before but I just canít think of it.

Then I wonder if itís the right path to go down but no other path seems all that great eitheróI can no longer see the ideal. Everything seems way too volatile for me to even try to deal with on a full time basis (I do recognize this is the return of natural Erin--I'm back to being me! I haven't changed for anyone! I believe in ME!).

The normal world: I feel an unease when I think about working in the government. Either the end of June or September might be another job change up for both jobs (and I for one am getting tired of it). I am still reconsidering being a librarianóeven if prospects look slim (would I get my sanity for less money?). But itís not like it really matters what I do or where I goó in fact we should be getting more company here soon.

Thereís a part of me that doesnít really care as long as I donít have to fill out more paperwork but Iím sure I have to watch myself more as tone and sarcasm here as it can be lost in writing (Fine letís get this out of the way: YOU SUUUUUUUCK!!!! SUUUUUUUCK! Suck suck suck and your idea is bad! It just punishes those of us who already follow the rules! It won't stop those who want to do things--the article itself is a leak! Perhaps we should be looking at the environment that fosters this kind of behavior instead of perpetuating it.)

I want a job that is easy, that I can rot comfortably at for the next 30 years hoping that Iíll get somewhere with the writing. But then again when I think about me retiring seems kind of mind boggling. Then I think about a family life (bahahahaa) or a lack of a family life. I wonder how I could possibly keep the attention span to pay attention to a kid to save them from the stuff that got me in this predicament in the first place. Then I wonder if I donít have kids, how my future would look particularly if Iím not a writer. Is that it? Is that all there is?

Itís just that I stink at planning so much and handling complicated things that come with handling my own life. Iím so sick of having to fill out paperwork. Sure I understand why itís there but it still blows.

The Successful Writer (or writer in general): I would have to maintain a persona, or at least be somewhat likable or relatable as part of my success would depend on it. Something I canít guarantee while off the happy pill (I do realize it is even a requirement even in the here and now). Thereís a slight possibility of me being so successful that I can do whatever I want like be a hermit and people would just accept this. But Iím not sure if I could handle that either. I would have to constantly be everywhere and all over the place and on top of my own life so that no one would take me for a ride when I wouldnít be paying attention. Itís not that I donít have a work ethic, itís just that I get so tired particularly when Iím fighting my own brain to do anything. Then again, maybe thatís the issue in general: Iím just tired of doing a constant what looks like triple time between managing my own brain, my life, and then managing someone elseís lifeófictional or not.

Iím not sure if that would ever be resolved even if I like what I'm doing or not (then it is irrelevant if I like what I do or not, so suck it up meatsack). Fine! FINE! FIIIIINE!

Iím also at a crossroads. After years of reading about it and telling myself that it must be the answer and it just not registering, I finally realized that I must keep running.

Last week I was out of sorts and instead of dwelling much like I always do I decided to give into my genetics and the flight response and run as fast and as hard as I could down the hall. I could do it three times before I was out of breath but I felt awesome afterwards with the exception of my thighs.

I was hoping for a serene existence without stimulants as running does produce a similar high. But Iím not sure if I can get around this fact or pretend to be normal and sedentary (which isnít). Itís in my genetics to be a runner and it now appears to me that this is what probably kept my ancestors happy (or that and solitary muck farming).

Aside from all that, I have concluded that wheatgrass is good and does work. The family brought me the bacon insider from Jack in the Box recently. I drank a wheatgrass drink I had with it and didnít feel sluggish or like I had indigestion afterwards. Not sure if it will still do my taxes for me.

You really got control of me. I should have gotten out when I thought I could. Woooo?

March 9, 2014
Brain returns!


May I present to you, my eyes looking all menacing because that was the best picture. This was taken Feb 17, 2014. Previously, they were pretty much green and by looking at this, they're more than half blue.

Also, you best be watching the Cosmos show.

Yes, the last entry was incomplete. It was way late, after a day of eating greasy garbage, and off the cuff. Grandma cannot do at least two of those things anymore. I used to just do it off the cuff and have it come out coherent or at least more complete but Iím not sure what happened here.

I feel as though I get into this frame of mind where I just want to divide and conquer. Iím awake, Iím alert, Iím in a good mood, and feel like doing things. Iíve got an hour, letís do everything all at once (Iím not sure what it is that I am doing, but Iím doing it). I just need to let my brain reset, however long it wants to take (stop telling me what you want to do brain!). Iíve only been off the happy pill since mid-October, I suppose it isnít immediate that all the brain synopses that were asleep would wake up or function properly. Itís like I think of a valid point or at least a good one, I donít write it down and then when I want to do this or have the time, it has vacated my brain. Iím pretty sure that I used to be not so bad at this. Iím also sure Iíve said this before. Iím not quite sure if I did or not. This is new and particularly bad when I need to sleep.

Other changes that are polite to discuss: You know, I didnít really miss it while I was doped out of my mind but food smells so good all of a sudden. I also have (crap) bread cravings which I donít attempt to eat no matter how much I want it. Iíve really taken to eating more vegetables and as a result my digestive system now tells me how displeased it is with certain things by bloating (yes, you needed to hear that). In fact, I think I have now realized why I spent the majority of my youth in sweatpants and other fashionable elastic banded pants (they were, you know they were). I had the unique situation of having a large butt at 12 (or larger than most 12 year olds) and a skinnier waist along with good German muscular legs. I had to find pants in the misses section that didnít have pleats, that had enough waist band that went over my butt but didnít leave a giant gap at the waist. I did sometimes manage to find normal pants that fit this criteria but I hated wearing them because they sometimes felt too tight around my waist. I think this was because on those days, I had eaten food that my system didnít like and made me bloat like a stuck pig and I didn't notice. Iím trying to do vegetarian or more of it more often. But Iím not giving up meat entirely because I canít or donít know how to avoid carbs or sugar while being vegetarian since Iím having issues with it and they depend on it. And without the carbs I donít know how much of whatever vegetable slop that I decide to make I need to eat at any given meal to give me the calories I need. I also need to keep my intake of B vitamins and protein up (good for brains) and I want to say at least beef is at least a good source of B vitamins.

I still canít overdo it with sugar or chocolate, itís better but still present. My brain is also very into the calmer music on my Ipoood, whereas it was prominently into electronica dance last year. I still think anything above happy might agitate my liver so Iím going with the calm music ( Since you loved the Air Supply one so much, here's Total Eclipse of the Heart. It's all on Funny or Die now, except for Air Supply and a genius one they did of Meatloaf's I'd Do Anything For Love). I suppose it might need time to heal as well and itís hard to give it a break.

Iím starting to believe that the liver does a lot more in the general wellbeing of the body and brain which Iím pretty sure ancient cultures also believed as well. It's your liver, man, it's always the liver.

And though I am sure the endocrine system still functions, I just think it not quite right (although, convenient for me). My hair doesnít seem to be growing much anymore (I just got my hair cut today above my shoulders so we'll see how long it takes to get past my shoulders). I want to say that 2012 was the last time I permed/dyed my hair and it finally grew out enough to get rid of it all. I also noticed that of the times that I eat flax seed ( a source of plant estrogen) things in general seem better for a short time.

It's kind of a bummer, I don't think I'll be coloring or perming my hair ever again (link posted previously) (not even dark green or violet like I want to do when I make it as a writer) due to all the death chemicals that are in this. I probably should have known that but even I'm a sucker for an easy change. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the makeup I have. It's kind of old and 90% unused so I feel bad about chucking it all. The sister and the mother liked to buy me this but I never got into it for a myriad of reasons--laziness and that back in the 90s makeup did nothing to cover the lunar surface that I liked to call my face. Sigh. I can't even do Emo Kid Friday anymore (Go smear some death on your eyeballs. Makeup--because you're imperfect!)

Other than that: It's officially 18 years since I started the Constellation writing project. My baby is all grown up!!! As of now I'm in the middle of the third book now. I find it hard to keep this universe's rules straight and I'm reconsidering a super power (I started to think about it and then I realized just how flawed it is and how that flaw can mess up the story. I just took this power at face value because I didn't invent it).

And we missed the most important holiday of the year, particularly for us kind of Polish folk. CASIMIR PULASKI DAY!!! It's where we got off school to go door to door singing Pulaski carols about getting shot in the crotch.

So anyway my happily naÔve idea of having employers care more about their employeeís health at the surface probably breaks a bunch of labor laws and maybe even the constitution (You think you have rights?! Bahahahaa!) . Then thereís the fact that you canít control what people do to themselves on the outside. But yet people drag their outside baggage in with them and then can make other people miserable by having to deal with them. It is perpetuated by what is offered on the inside. Poor quality fried food, mediocre water, and stimulants. To me, even though the natural healing does work, I would prefer to marry it to modern medicine (even though Iíve had plenty of misadventures with modern medicine over the years) if only to just track what's going on in here. But that is time consuming and can be expensive particularly if I have to somehow find a specialist (insurance does not cover natural healing either but that's irrelevant). Then thereís the issue of the foodóI find it hard as single person to purchase vegetation because there are some things I just canít get by the quantity that I want (or I can if I want to pay a lot). Thereís also the issue of freshness that gives me problems. So it would be more cost effective and might taste better if it were available for me at work and not overly expensive.

The simple things that would be have to be implemented would be a ban on every and any stimulant (that would go over great!), a company wide morning exercise routine (most people do this already but I think it's of more benefit in the morning), and no disposable or plastic containers (not sure how that would work). Plumbing would be a big deal to me, the more I learn about modern plumbing the more I don't like it. I don't know what kind of pipe was in my house (not copper? or some of it was?) but when we took it apart it like corroded in the pipe and a for a few days, nothing but rust came out of the tap. I now have PVC but that probably has some fun chemicals in it too and the water that comes in from the outside is coming in through metal pipes that are at least 50 years old (remember water mains are only replaced when they break). I'm really considering looking into a whole house filtration system. Those are at least 20 grand. But still, the whole thing seems kind of archaic. Aside from changing the materials of the pipe, you would think that someone would have come up with a better delivery system by now.

But I suppose the main problem with my plans of absolute control no matter how well intentioned it is, can ultimately be manipulated for eeeevil. That somehow, someway it call all be used against the employee (even if it's under The Privacy Act? And only available to those who need to know?). We only want to hire or promote those who are more Acetylcholine dominant for instance? That actually might not be a bad idea instead of like a resume or an interview you just have like a brain scan where you look for certain traits (which aren't mine!!). Well, then there would be a lot more psychopathic hobos, so that might be bad. I'm not even addressing the potential of people having like STDs (STIs?). I'm just naively referring to those like myself who aimlessly wander with problems that are bigger than what I was told previously.

Well, that was fun planning the next potential collapse of society. Time to go, I have to go clean my kitchen and throw oranges into a the Jack LaLanne super juicer (I found it at a thrift shop)! That would be great if they had a juicer at work, I hate cleaning juicers.

Sing for me, my angels, siiiiiiiiing!

March 2, 2014
ERIN REMEMBERS (no way!)! Notes from the internet

First order of business: Dear Hanson, I like the noises that come out of your faces. Iím going with an easy one tonight.

Iím looking at some of my major plot points and I do see one thing forming. Or at least I think itís forming, I am possibly following naÔve Erin and the usual tropes. Itís a push and pull of reality vs fantasy and itís hard to break myself of this because even I see that these things are overdone and I canít do it unless I just want to fart out a throwaway book.

But I just want it to work out, resolved simply once! Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Itís hard having both lives like this, one has to be the nice calm simple one, and I donít want it to be the book anymoreÖ.

Anyway, this is just errant thoughts I found drifting around in my head again. I guess because my mind isnít stressing out much right now, I can remember stuff.

In any company anywhere, you want to be the best, on it and all over it. You want to be number one, master of your field. So why donít companies take more interest in the health of their employees? Iíll tell you why! Itís none of your business. You canít make me and you donít own me or tell me what to do even though you pretty much do as my way of life is being held hostage by you if I donít do these specific tasks proficiently (we can and will have you replaced if you are not up to our standards). I know, itís a gray area Iím dealing with (you canít take my FREEEEEDOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHhhh!!! Or make me fill out excessive paperworkÖ).

But I see it as this. It is only by accident that I got down to the inherent major malfunction of myself and Iím not done yet. It turned out to be multifaceted and I was a lot more messed up than I thought I was.

These seemingly minor issues had ways of affecting my mental state and comprehension abilities. The way that I feel, if I was feeling at all. So I wasnít and possibly still not capable of giving my all to the company or to anyone else. I know they can replace me, but the truth of the matter is that everyone else is living like this as well, itís only a matter of time before it erupts out of them when their bodies finally give up the fight. Most diseases have a tendency to manifest slowly over years and give little hints of their existence but most people donít notice because they think it must be because theyíre getting old (itís noooooooooooooormal). Then youíre down an employee fighting some awful disease.

Side note: we lost a friend of curmudgeons on my floor (manager, not really a curmudgeon but was nice). This is like the fifth guy to die on my floor since Iíve been up there (4 years? I honestly donít remember). His name was Kevin and he was in his mid-fifties, he had pancreatic cancer. One of the lady curmudgeons noticed one day that his eyes were jaundice and he had like a good two year fight and it almost seemed like he was going to make it until like two months ago. He tried to come back and do his job and he looked like a walking skeleton. It was terrible. The others were Dr. Death (odd nickname of no basis, real name was Neil) who died of a pancreatic ailment, Steve of brain cancer, Jim of a heart attack (they found him on the side of the road in his car on the way to work), and Roger from smoking related skin cancer.

I feel as though this thought is incomplete somehow. Iím having a hard time trying to explain what it is that I think needs to happen, I made the dumb mistake of eating diner food today. I feel it. It is a bad feeling. I think maybe the modern worker is just distracted by all of lifeís happenings that the average human adult goes through. While you canít help that, you can help the reaction change and thatís what Iím looking for. A lot of my problems have to do with my stressed out liver, this lead me to get all defensive instead of work through work or it lead me to check out completely because it was too much or too messed up for me to deal with along with my own problems.

Maybe I just see it as being competitive against each other and doing whatever it takes to keep up while simultaneously competing against the market as counterintuitive. After all there is that saying that you are only as good as your weakest link. So why wouldnít you want to make that link stronger? That link might have your game changing innovation if it were functioning right.

Anyway, I also forgot to explain why Wheatgrass aside from the fact that the healthy lady eats it.

Wheatgrass is used for increasing production of hemoglobin, the chemical in redblood cells that carries oxygen; improving blood sugar disorders, such as diabetes; preventing tooth decay; improving wound healing; and preventing bacterial infections. It is also used for removing deposits of drugs, heavy metals, and cancer-causing agents from the body; and for removing toxins from the liver and blood. Some people use wheatgrass for preventing gray hair, reducing high blood pressure, improving digestion, and lowering cholesterol by blocking its absorption. Wheatgrass is also used to treat various disorders of the urinary tract, including infection of the bladder, urethra, and prostate; benign prostatic hypertrophy (BPH);kidney stones; and in "irrigation therapy," the use of a mild diuretic along with lots of fluids to increase urine flow. Other uses include treatment of respiratory tract complaints, including the common cold, cough, bronchitis, fever, and sore throat; tendency toward infection; gout; liver disorders; ulcerative colitis; joint pain; and chronic skin problems. Wheatgrass is used for cancer and arthritis in alternative treatment programs. Wheatgrass contains a lot of chlorophyll, the chemical in plants that makes them green and also allows them to make energy from sunlight through photosynthesis. Some people think chlorophyll might fight cancer and arthritis.

It does it all, even if it might not. Itíll set you up on a blind date, do your taxes, keep your secrets, it knows the roads to riches and it knows the way to fame, it can make a runner stumble, make a final block, make every tackle at the sound of the whistle and make all the stadiums rock. It can make tonight forever or I can make it disappear by the dawn. It can make you every promise that has ever been made and make all your demons be gone!!!! IT'S MAGIC!

I also looked up acupuncture points and Iím still confused as to what exactly happened to me.

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/acupressure/points.php
http://idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/healthbeautydiet/acupressure-101-the-main-pressure-points-and-how-to-use-them.html
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/acupressure-points-chart.html
http://www.yinyanghouse.com/acupuncturepoints/st8
http://www.acupuncture.com/education/points/stomach/st8.htm
https://www.acufinder.com
http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/natural-medicine/chinese/traditional-chinese-medicine-causes-of-illness2.htm

From the following sites I concluded that these were the points that got poked (not linking them).

Gallbladder (GB) 15
Pinyin Name & English Translation: Toulinqi, Falling Tears (Head Overlooking Tears)
Location: Directly above yangbai (GB 14), 05 cun within the hairline, midway between shenting (DU 24) and Touwei (ST 8).
Indications: Headache, vertigo, lacrimation, pain in outer canthus, rhinorrhea, nasal obstruction, manic depression
Traditional Action: Regulates the mind, balances the emotions, clears brain, brightens eyes, free the nose.

Yin tang
Pinyin Name & English Translation: Yin Tang, Hall of Impression
Location: Midway between the medial ends of the two eyebrows.
Indications: Headache, head heaviness, epistaxis, rhinorrhea, infantile convulsion, frontal headache, insomnia.
Traditional Action: eliminates wind, stops convulsions, calms the mind.
As an acupuncture or acupressure (qigong self-massage) point, Yin Tang has the power to: (1) dispel wind; (2) calm shen; (3) benefit the nose; and (4) alleviate pain. Itís a point that can be useful in resolving anxiety, agitation or insomnia (via calming the spirit/shen). It can also help to release a frontal headache, and open the nose in cases of nasal congestion, rhinitis or sinus pain.

Large Intestine (LI) 4
Name: Joining of the Valleys (Large Intestine 4)
Location: On the top side of the hand, on the web between thumb and index finger. To locate, squeeze the thumb against the base of the index finger. The point is located on the highest point of the bulge of the muscle, level with the end of the crease.
Warning: Don't use this point during pregnancy.
Effects: Letting go of grief. Calms.
Indications: Headache, pain in the neck of any part of the body, redness, swelling and pain of the eye, epistaxis, nasal obstruction, rhinorrhea, toothache, deafness, facial swelling, sore throat.
Traditional Action: Dispels exterior wind, releases the exterior, stimulates the dispersing function of the Lungs, stops pain, removes obstructions from the channel, tonifies Qi and consolidates the exterior, harmonizes ascending and descending functions.

And before I go, the fantastic crash course guys have started psychology! Episode 2 is particularly good. Letís all learn about this together!!!

I think Iíve had enough tonight. Itís time to go. Refocus (I still feel real good particularly when I donít eat terrible things. I should keep doing that.)

Here are the last of your Russian Proverbs. Hopefully you can live your life well enough without them
A man does not die of care; he dries up
If the child doesnít cry, his mother doesnít know what he wants.
Donít be so clever, cleverer men than you are in jail
When you are dead, even your tomb will feel comfortable
In a clenched fist, all fingers are equal.
If your face is ugly, donít blame the mirror
An untried friend is like an uncracked nut
The hawk kissed the henóup to the last feather.

The tears of strangers are only water.
A girlís heart is a dark forest (you have no idea...).

February 24, 2014
The way back from battle

I occasionally try to hold pretenses--perhaps not really of my own conscious doing. Or maybe I should say I most likely get in over my head in trying to run stuff. Doing this has a tendency to fail spectacularly and I did that last week. I had to keep track of many things and when I finally completed something my brain decided it could finally sleep (the threat is contained, rest solider)--coupled with the Melatonin that I took one in the middle of the day, I was no match for it. Someone then caught me (I wasn't completely asleep just nodding off) and I had to explain my issues/medications to those who don't necessarily need to know. It's an odd topic, that due to past experience I don't discuss much verbally otherwise I don't think I would have a problem telling people in sane times. I just hate to have it forced out of me once I mess up, though it apparently is a valid excuse. I just never know how the normals are going to take it--they could use it against me, use it to disregard me completely, or automatically put whatever I think or do into the crazy category even if I am right. A part of me is also mad at this because they helped create this mess and they aren't the one's picking up the pieces--so they have no right to judge my behavior and punish me for it when they are the cause.

I was so mad at them that and was almost certain they'd fire me for this (even though my boss said they had to have just cause but then again this is the government) that I even searched for jobs with limited human interaction (and yes other people searched for this). Perhaps I should have listened to my seven year old self, Librarian was one of the top searches but they can only make 30 grand in some cases and as I was reading some job descriptions are becoming more socially interactive. Why isn't there some ancient library on top of a granite pillar somewhere where I can work? Is it too much to ask? The other jobs listed were rather technical that I do not have the mindset for.

But that, stupidly enough, stopped my brain from spazing out, again (I know, I was just going around in circles around myself and I was having deja vu because I couldn't remember anything). And because I did mess up again (no happy pill to make me likable Erin who still falls asleep on people but at least it was predictable and people put up with it because that Erin was just so likable) I felt I had to make an emergency visit to see the doctor again--who had an opening for me. Things were discussed I was feeling rather battle weary and oddly alert with a tight discomfort in my right ribcage. So he decided to do some acupuncture on me. Two needles went on both hands on that fleshy part between my index fingers and thumbs. One needle went between my eyebrows, and one went on the top of my forehead near my hairline--slightly to the left of the center of my forehead. I didn't expect it to work yet it calmed me down and got rid of the pain in my side (he said that was to balance out the positive and the negative or maybe reverse the polarity of the neutron flow). So I guess my liver does work I just attack it with my stress because my body does not discriminate about what it attacks. He also popped my left shoulder back into place by making me put my hands behind my head then weaving his arms through mind and pulling up.

But I'm still good because of that. I can take both the Melatonin together at night so I can try to fall asleep more often when I'm supposed to.

Overall, I think all this natural stuff does work. It's not as drastic as pharmaceuticals though and takes longer (I have to note that since I started this, I don't sneeze as often and all the plaque is gone from my teeth, some days my eyesight is so sharp and everything is so bright). I suppose it did take this long for me because I was more messed up than I believed myself to be. I also remembered that I was going to report on the extra stuff I decided to take after reading up on it like Aloe Powder I decided to eat to try and heal a potential mess up in my intestinal system. I would put this under inconclusive. But then again, I said it isn't as dramatic. I did figure out that regular store bought aloe gel does improve facial skin tone regardless if it's burned or not. It makes it soft, makes blackheads smaller or easier to get out and makes wrinkles less prominent (I can see them in my forehead because I am constantly raising my eyebrows in alarm or the left one in confusion). I want to conduct this same experiment on myself with actual giant aloe leaves but I'm having a hard time tracking it down. Bruce may have found something for me on the interwebs but it needs some further investigation when I find the time. I have not and will not, despite it is a common fact that you can do and eat anything once, eat the aloe gel from the bottle. It says it's 100% aloe but it also doesn't rot so they must have done something to it.

And since the lady from last entry likes to eat Wheat grass I thought I'd give it a go. I stopped in a local herb shop and found this powder because I didn't want to start a production of growing it and juicing it, particularly if I wasn't sure if was a sham or not. This, unlike the aloe powder is 100% wheat grass. I throw this, the aloe stuff, and some chia seeds in yogurt every morning instead of trying to drink it.

Status report on the outline: I'm in the middle of book 2 out of 5 (I think, I would like it that way). I had a lot of pieces a lot of different places and I have to sort through what's usable or what's good for this arc.

It's also weird trying to write this while trying to change my mindset because of how creative expression and your emotions are often tied together. Particularly with stories--which the foundation of which is based off drama that perhaps the lead character creates themselves. Now when you look at it from a human standpoint instead of a character stand point, like in my case, the drama is not just one static event. My sanity malfunctions because of my environment which causes others to judge me (it's human nature?) which then manipulates my thinking into bitterness, weirdness, otherness and it never ends--it just builds.

Seriously, all my life I considered part of my personality to be tightly wound and kind of odd--and there wasn't anything that could permanently change this. But if it can be that easily swayed by a few strategically placed needles, then who am I really? Take me out Hanson (also popular on Amazon). Perhaps down to Mexico, but knowing myself and the government, possibly not (but it could be a nice writing holiday...)

Until next time, here are Russian Proverbs:
If you give the whore a Bible, you give her paper
Wise men need God more than fools do
Borrowers are like old people, they forget easily.
The devil is always there where God is not
If you drive a devil out of your wife, ten new devils will possess her.
No woman was born a whore
Girls dream of marriage, married women of love
The man who is born, yells; the man who dies, is silent
The burden on the other manís shoulder is always light

February 15, 2014
This Week in Paranoia

Brain, how did your genetics get this far? Any time stress erupts in any form, you forget everything and you shut yourself down from everyone. It hangs on you for hours to days at a time. How did that serve any purpose whatsoever? Is it only a fluke because this allowed you to put more effort into running from a predator? Did the upheavals and conquests of the European continent with dumb luck of not getting shot or stabbed only further this trait along? Or were we all just the odd hermits who lived in the mountain caves, even though some of my ancestors probably lived on the coast herding small yappy dogs (apparently--what else would they be doing?).

Or maybe I am merely the nexus of spaz genes from all sides of the family. And unlike past generations, I couldnít just get up and leave for a wildernessówhich one side of the family did multiple times.

I miss you happy pill, in the fact that I could just sit there and watch the chaos swirl around me not being bothered by anything but even though you did your job, it was the wrong job.

It still isnít completely rightóitís functional but itís still unpleasant, particularly when the going gets rough (I love you monster snow storm/heinous winter, you have made things calm). I donít exactly feel like myself, in fact, I almost feel too analytical but this may be because of circumstance. Itís not safe for pleasant/creative Erin to come outóshe canít defend herself and often gets pummeled by others. Iíve decided not to entirely worry about this aspectóbut to use this analytical time to organize my outline. But even that is hard, Iíve had dragging days where there is no time for this and it can take me a while to want to get into it. Hopelessness likes to tell me that everything I do is pointlessóitís no different than the office work. I build intricate things only to have them destroyed a few minutes lateróoften without reaching completion. And even if I do complete this story, it wonít even last a generation. So whatís the point, particularly since there are so many more voices trying to be heard?

Itís just hard getting over this frame of mind, when Iím in the thick of this chaos I canít talk myself out of the doldrums because Iím working on other peopleís time. I mean, essentially, I could go the Buddhist way and see that what I do in the office is a modern day mandala. But that would mean I would have to detach from all of it and I donít think I can without people wanting to fire me (I know my problem, I know where it isóall I have to do is knock out the US communications network and Iíll be happy!!! Dealing with it is for schmucks.). Oh now I understand whatís happening (haha! Worked around you this time, brain!). They want me to participate. In order to participate I need to know everything, I need to know how it works, inside, outside, all over the placeóthatís how I am, that's how you find the right course of action. But I donít really have the brain power for what we do. I canít understand it, or maybe I could if they simplified it and drew funny pictures. But they wonít, thatís how it is hereónobody has the time to tell me what exactly is going on (maybe thatís a bad thing and itís not just here it's like this all over the place that everyone is trying to keep up with everyone else and weíre all failing). So they sit there and throw these things at me that Iím not sure is pertinent to me or anyone else or what it even is so I disregard it in order to keep a look out for what I think are the more important things. Then they realize itís not right and tell me to stop whatever it was they wanted me to do leaving me depressed cause it was so important. This is how the tax money is wasted. NORMALS!!! Honestly.

I did it. I got through it. I fixed it, I feel like myself again (fine, this is a considerably shorter time it took to get out of the depression than in the past). Now all I have to do is to switch a nationís work ethic mentality (simple). There is seriously nothing wrong with me, I just have an intolerance for the over expectations that we heap on each other and the inability to pretend that Iím something that Iím not (well that can be unfortunate). Other people do it because they have to do something and only way they get around it is with the feel good stimulantsócoffee, etc. But that barely converts bogged down brain (I should know, I have cheated lately with the chocolate in my desk, good news is the rest of my body is healing nicely) but then again they might not notice it because they don't have depression. By expecting genius level everything out of each other at a momentís notice, we really hold each other back from creating a better society. Then we slowly destroy ourselves in trying to get by, particularly by inventing products that are supposed to save us from ourselves.

I will prepare over the weekend. I think this gives the means for deflection. I can at least tell those around me whatís going onóthose in the outer office possibly cannot be convinced or even saved. I'm aware that perhaps it all is too far gone--and if I do value my general wellbeing that I should focus on the writing and leave at the earliest possible convenience (soooo 2024?) and not look back.

In the meantime I wanted to share some light reading with you:

I love you Cracked, never change
Seriously, don't.
Here is the website from the lady who found that subway sandwiches had chemicals that are also in the process of making yoga mats. She at least gives me recipe ideas but Iím finding it hard to find the time to buy and cut up all this vegetative matter. Itís like I need someone to be in charge of my wellbeing in order to do it right. It is also super hard because I have no healthy food stores that they have in the rich areas of Missouri.
Seriously, lady?
I'm also contemplating caffeine, I'm sure this has something to do with my mindset. I'm just not sure how it fits it or has jacked with it over the years (am I just burned out most of the time?).

Finally, I found a youtube lady who said her eyes changed from brown to blue-ish all due to diet. So it is possible, but like I said, it's hard for me (and it may be a year or two). My eyes changed mostly green except for a quarter of the bottom right side of both irises that stayed light blue when I was 10. Now itís like half of the irises are blue now but every once and a while it seems like my body fights back and it slips back to being more green. For a while before I started to do this, it was looking dark green. I have to figure out how to take a picture of my eye.

And this guy. He's awesome (thanks Daily Mail--they do put up neat stuff, you just have to look for it)

Come on brain, get up, itís time to go. You have stuff to do. But first, sleep. Fatigue definitely is not my friend and you can forget to get tired.

Don't forget your life affirming Russian proverbs
Dwarfs must be fought with short swords.
If a whore has seven daughters, they will become seven whores
Tall as a bean, but dull like a potato
The true sick man is the one who does not want to get well
Hunger drives the deer across the ice
Two girls can share one lover; but each of them wants a wedding for herself
The bride has her rights on the wedding day and the bridegroom has his rights on the wedding night
It is easy for a monk to be abstemious on a desert island
Superstition is like tuberculosis, inherited from generation to generation

And Happy St. Hallmark's day.

February 4, 2014
So today was my birthday and I just spent it in the hippest club in Belleville called DMV--located in midtown next to a giant red high heel. It had everything: a VIP roped off section, hard plastic chairs, forms, floors with soggy rugs, and every half hour an employee will abruptly ask you to step in front of a blue screen to take a terrible picture of you.

According to the internet I have been on this planet 10,958 days and I've seen 371 full moons. I've made it to...THIRTY.

It was a day a lot like today, snowy and cold only on a Saturday and at high noon (well, nine minutes after). And like most birthdays in my recent memory (okay a few years?) with the exception of the 29th, it was uneventful. I had received an early gift of yet another head cold that I am finally getting over (only in the nose this time!), so it was good timing for once that I took off today anyway. I then went to the DMV and got my license renewed (it's not a bad picture considering I was sick), went to Walmart to buy cold medicine for noses, jugs of water for the humidifier and looked at pants I couldn't wear if I wanted to and wouldn't buy because they were so poorly made. Followed by a trek to the Coldstone Creamery store for an ice cream cake. I glued some broken things back together. Put together dinners for later. Cleaned my kitchen, paid the sewer bill. Went to the best Vietnamese restaurant in the area, Saigon for dinner where we had the restaurant to ourselves (they gave us free sugar donut things--I'm kind of jittery between this and the cake). It's almost as good as my 28th birthday when I went to Burger King for some free onion rings, then wandered around Walmart while wearing my big furry coat and a burger king crown.

I'm at least feeling better. Doctor gave me more brain pills with the Stress Arrest. He was giving me the same concerned look I used to get a lot when I talked when I was younger, sure I was kind of intense, and kind of tripping over sentences but I don't understand what warrants this look (and I realize that I must have passed for sane and was left alone only because I knew how to keep my mouth shut). Anyway, I received Melatonin and a fun pill called Neurocalm. I find it interesting to note that both the Stress Arrest and the Neurocalm are essentially B vitamin complexes--although the Neurocalm has some German Chamomile in it. I think they all work together better, and I don't think it's because I want it to work (the brain can be stupid like that--although I was feeling relief that I just had the pills the first day I had it). But for a while I was taking it at lunch with Chamomile tea and it was making me fall asleep at my desk so something is working there. But it's so simple, yet the medical community wants to throw pills at me until something works (and I guess I was lucky that it did work on the first try? Sure?). What's also odd, is that I did take a B complex (that's still in my desk at work) with a C vitamin that I got from Walmart that's supposed to help my body absorb it better, and it didn't work as well as this.

I forgot to discuss my other issues at the time while I was there, I should have asked him to keep an eye on my liver and see if he could test my intestines. But I was too busy spazing out. So I will have to make sure that I remember in April when I go back. I'm not entirely out of the woods concerning mental issues, I have to watch myself instead of going the easy route of numbing my irritations away. I realized that I checked out mentally working there a long time ago (you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave!), and it was fine when I was a janitor because I was by myself a lot and didn't have to answer much to people.

I also had gotten in the habit of treating every job that I work as temporary or as something that didn't define me (I'm a funkadelic astronaut). It was part because I assumed I would get this story written and leave or I'd leave to get married (hahaha!) and part because it's been chaos since I started work with government so I had to disconnect. I tracked the root of my anxiety attack that I had last month--they expected greatness out of me. This may not be a problem for most people but I used to expect greatness out of myself. I had to learn and accept that I wasn't capable of it or I couldn't get people to help me achieve it a long time ago and when they changed the job on me I was getting to the point of acceptance that my life would most likely be mediocre at best if that. Ultimately I felt like I was being set up for failure over something that I couldn't control or understand some of the time (I'm still saying that's a good thing) because they presented it as something that really mattered (and when that happens, it fails for me, there is no other way).

I'm the constant outsider who has to stay out of it the mix for preservation of mind and they were asking me to come inside and get in the chaos and it was hard because I know half the time we're just running around each other for no good reason. I didn't want to do that for them when I do it enough by myself, but at least with myself, my quality of life wasn't going to be upended if I failed--it would just take me 17 years (And yes, you're right life. I WILL NOT BE GETTING THE OUTLINE FINISHED BY APRIL. I'm sorry I ever mistakenly thought I could estimate a completion time on this project.).

It's late, I have to go back to work tomorrow (rough drive coming). Even the yearly horoscope says I need to check back into work
Your birthday today: This year you have the opportunity to clear up a problem that affects your community and your professional image [Professional image? You are a laugh riot]. You will feel like a different person. Your efforts seem to draw excellent results at work. If you are single, you could be overwhelmed by your many choices of suitors. More than one person seems suitable, but only you can decide what kind of relationship you want. If you are attached, the two of you act like newlyweds from mid-July on. Consider going on a special vacation that you often have discussed. ARIES can be testy and irritable.

From the BND: Do something creative during the months ahead. Monotony is the enemy. Strike back by engaging in hobbies and picking up skills that interest you. Strive to be competitive in whatever you pursue.

Here's a special trip that I could have gone on had I not been furloughed subsequently using most of my leave and had a more thrilling birthday. Look at what Hanson do. How can you not like this?

...Seriously, it's almost unreal, I'm not really associating with any age so it's not like an insult to be thirty but it's like I can barely comprehend this. It's so foreign. 20 wasn't that bad, but 30 just always seemed so distant. 40 will probably be even stranger. I honestly have no concept of time, so that's probably why.

Remember these Russian Proverbs as I leave you:
A girl will not become pregnant when her lover visits her in a dream
The child who drinks the wetnurseís milk and the child that drinks the whoreís milk, both drink milk
A pretty girl is not afraid when men see her in her bath, but an ugly girl is frightened to death.
Even the drunkard drowns when he falls into the sea
Who trusts a woman, might as well trust the weather
Where modesty is a blame, adultery is no shame
Ugliness leads many monks to the cloisters and beauty leads many men to the brothels
The dwarf who climbs a hill thinks he is a giant
The word red reminds the lover of the lips of his girl and the wounded man of the blood of his wounds
Donít pour salt on other menís wounds
No sow is so ugly that she canít find a boar.
You learn to pray in misfortune and forget it in good fortune.
Golden pay, golden work; leaden pay, leaden work

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL, BRAIN! I OWN YOU!

January 26, 2014
DOPAMINE NATURE If you have a dopamine nature, you are part of 17% of the population. When you are balanced, you are likely to be strong-willed who knows exactly what you want and how to get it. You are fast on your feet and self-confident. You are highly rational, more comfortable with facts and figures than with feelings and emotions. You are able to assess yourself critically, but you may not respond well to the criticisms of others. You focus intently on the task at hand and take pride in achievement. Strategic thinking, masterminding, inventing, problem solving, envisioning, and pragmatism are exciting and you function well under stress. A majority of doctors, scientists, researchers, inventors, engineers, generals and architects are dopamine dominant, but this does not preclude you from other professions. You may like to play chess, listen to books on tape, or do difficult crossword puzzles. You are tireless, perhaps overly alert, and may need less sleep than others. When exercising, you may enjoy weight-lifting more than aerobic activities. You may not be overly sensitive and miss it when others consider their feelings more important than your reasons. You may be distant from your children, and the stability of your marriage may depend on the loyalty and goodwill of your spouse.

Deficient dopamine Early warning signs are loss of energy, fatigue, sluggishness, memory loss, or the blues.
Physical issues: Anemia, balance problems, blood sugar instability, bone density loss, carbohydrate cravings, decreased appetite, decreased strength, diabetes, diarrhea, anorgasmia, digestion problems, hypersomnia, head and facial tremors, high blood pressure, hyperglycemia, joint pain, kidney problems, light-headedness, low libido, narcolepsy, obesity, Parkinsonís, slow metabolism, slow rigid movements, substance abuse, sugar cravings, tension, tremors, thyroid problems, swallowing problems.
Personality Issues: Aggression, anger, carelessness, depression, fear of being observed, guilt, hopelessness, worthlessness, pleasure-seeking behavior, stress intolerance, social isolation, mood swings, procrastination, self-destructive thoughts.
Memory Issues: Distractibility, lack of follow-through, forgetfulness, lack of working memory, poor abstract thinking, slow processing speed. Attention Issues: ADD, decreased alertness, failure to finish tasks, hyperactivity, impulsive behavior, poor concentration.

I found my major malfunction. All throughout delving into my madness, I was feeling an odd disconnect with myselfóthis was new. Everything seemed pretty much pointless and overwhelming. Most of the time I wanted to lay down. Something about having my head at that angle seemed to make it feel betterómy best guess is that the sleep re-calibrates my brain chemistry, thatís its repair mode. But I understand now, it was all pointless because really thinking about my condition and what Iíve done points to the conclusion maybe Iím a lost cause. Nobody can actually fix my brain and even if I do come to a good educated guess of a conclusion the medical community canít develop it and neither could I. So what was the point of even unraveling this? What was the point in trying to do anything or go for anything that you like or would like your life to be? Because of my brain, it will always fail. And ultimately I would be writing for people who clearly cannot understand me or even help me, despite the fact that writing is a simple play on misunderstandings most of the time that barely scratches the complexities of the human condition (and is it not the same story over and over again?).

But that brings me to my second point about this.
A lot of these questions on the Braverman Nature Assessment are based are based on your emotions and your outlook on life that was shaped around you. Basically, stuff other people had a hand in shaping, so my reaction isnít truly based on my genetic quirks (so yes, I believe many major psychological diseases are based in nature and nurture).
I donít think I started out as a dopamine dominant. I had to make myself one.

I keep thinking to what I was as a kid. I lived for dreams and imagination, I can remember being more creative but events and interactions either changed me or I had to change in order to get by, to move forward, and eventually to save whatever was left of my sanity.

Sure, I was probably imbalanced but people did attack me for it. And because of that, I had to learn how to protect myself and scrutinize myself so that they couldnít, the least if they did it they wouldnít give me any good answers that could actually help my frame of mind. No one could, had the ability to, or wanted to help me so I had to help myself (I used to watch a lot of Oprah too). Stuff rarely worked out for me so I had to learn how not to react so badly to disappointment because nobody cared if I felt bad or not (As in you donít mean anything to them why do they mean so much to you? Focus on your writing, itís the only thing that matters. People come and people go, writing is the only constant.)

I want to quit everything because I was tired of following around people who never really had my best interest at heart or only think they do but are completely wrong about what exactly my best interest is.

So is this really crazy or do I just have a poorly constructed defense mechanism that was built off constant reactions that tries to fight off the toxic world that my mind canít process? To me this seems justified, it doesnít make it suck any less but it seems to be out of my hands unless I really want to isolate myself from everyone. Isnít it kind of imbalanced to be delusionally happy when crap keeps hitting the fan no matter what you do or where you go?

This practicality that I developed is just the acceptance of the inevitable conclusion that maybe all my ideas and dreams were merely delusions that other people got to live out instead of me. Yet, if I were truly hopeless, I wouldnít be able to come to that conclusion (nor would I have been able to have a schedule for the sertraline of every five days)

At any rate, Iím starting to feel like myself again, although thereís a part of me that thinks that maybe I was never really all that creative, I was just following the next logical step in a basic formula story, so I should go try and figure that out. It is exhausting trying to balance my brain out the hard way, particularly when it may not even be permanent or right. Though I do realize that no one would know what the optimum functional sane brain would look like if we did manage to map them all out. But then again, the world doesnít have much of a use for me as I am nowóguess I better go back to my own world.

Where was I?

Hope filled Russian Proverbs:
When the wedding is over, the guests go home, and the couple to bed.
The bull mounted the cow, because she let him.
A pious priest is rare, a pious bishop rarer.
Who curses as a child, will not bless as an old man
A naked man should not attack a bear
There is no protection against a hired assassin.
It is further from us to God than from God to us
She loves him like the goat loves the butcher.
The whoreís laughter is expensive
The wolf who has no teeth will still ogle the sheep
If you have no business in the plague house, keep away from it
You must water a poet if you want him to grow.

January 24, 2014
They broke my brain. They straight up broke it. Today, I felt like my brain was the equivalent of a yapping chihuahua in the sense that I was waiting for stuff to happen so I could take it on even though nothing much happened today. It's like I have to be this sentinel of constant vigilance and it's completely against my nature as a whole. In fact, I'm finding it hard to explain any of this, every time I think about it I just get hung up on it. Then again, this is a tricky topic full of speculation.

I'm finally decompressing (and I know that no matter what from now on, I'll always be on edge at work--they tainted my perception) but it's kind of like school all over again. It's like I want to quit everything again so I can finally heal this without any interference but like usual, I can't.

It's just that before the week of the 13th, despite being off the sertraline, my original brain skips were present but not as intolerable and I could talk myself into working around them. (issues with sleeping, finding myself being tightly wound by events and people, and having my social hang ups come back--Iíve gone back to being mostly mute, I hate calling people, and distrust most people or donít believe what they tell me, particularly if itís about myself).
I wasn't sure about the condition of my emotions. It seemed like it took an effort to feel anything other than neutral. Maybe I had a nice sertraline bubble in my brain before then or my brain was too used to sertraline being around and decided to mimic it in it's absence. As of now, they crop up occasionally (Unless this is what normal people do? Because I remember when I was younger, I used to feel everything amplified. noooor-mal).

It is interesting to note that being on this weak natural stuff since October, it sure did take an effort to get me to feel absolute chaos and unlike most mental illnesses, the trigger did not come from within me. It was a reaction to the outside world as were my earlier problems.

It just seems like to me that Iím in this gray area (of gray matter?). Is it really crazy if my problems stem from outer chaos and misadventure that I am exceptionally good at drawing towards myself?

Let me start with my results of the Braverman Nature Assessment.
The first time I took it, my results were
1A) 24 Dopamine
2A) 21 Acetylcholine
3A 22 GABA
4A) 18 Serotonin
1B) 20 Dopamine Deficient
2B) 14 Acetylcholine Deficient
3B) 16 GABA Deficient
4B) 14 Serotonin deficient

So it says I am a Dopamine dominant brain and Dopamine deficient (figure that one out). I took it while still on sertraline, so since then I have taken it two other times (one being right before I started to write this)but it still came out pretty much the same.

How this is determined (I found this explanation on one of the sites in the google search):
A) The category with the greatest number of true statements will identify your dominant nature. A classically dominant nature is typically a score of 35 and above in any one category, which suggests a less than balanced life. When any other categories are 10-15 points lower than the dominant one, the nature with the lower score is probably a life-long deficiency and needs balance even in times of good health.
B) The highest number is your most deficient nature, the one that is most likely to disrupt your psychological functioning. Your deficient nature can be the same as or different from your dominant nature. In fact, youíll most likely recognize deficits in your dominant nature sooner than you would in other aspects of your bio-chemistry, simply because you are used to behaving and feeling a certain way.

But the thing is, according to the A group my deficiency is serotonin. And according to B my deficiency is Dopamine. I was on an SSRI. This blocks serotonin so that dopamine can have more of a say in my brain. But yet, according to this, Iím not even serotonin dominant, or even in the excessive serotonin category. So did that mean I needed to be on the SSRI? Did this screw up my serotonin which didn't really need messing with? As we learned with the Nat Geo shows, various drugs trigger various brain chemicals to make the user happy. What if I needed something else that they haven't made a pharmaceutical out of yet? Even though to create a dopamine pill is probably next to impossible as how the brain can be with outside dopamine sources from physical matter (it gets lazy and can shut off receptors if you're lucky--see the cocaine episode below). This is most likely a really bad idea to mess with since I probably can't get a good map of what my brain is doing (yet I can find out how fast a shrimp can run on a treadmill but we still haven't properly mapped the mind). I might not have enough receptors in the first place. Or as I just realized today, maybe only some of my receptors are malfunctioning--not all of them as the pills treat them and any other sources of serotonin that it finds in the rest of the body.

The other thing I noticed with this was that all my responses are very close together. I made Bruce and another curmudgeon, whom I presumed to be the most normal (as the most ancient and noble brotherhood of curmudgeons will take anyone into their ranks just as long as they don't have to talk to them) take this test as well. While Bruce turned out to be a lot like me (Dopamine dominant with GABA deficiency, a lot more defined) as I suspected, the normal curmudgeon's results looked like this:

GABA: 38
Acetylcholine: 28
Dopamine: 24
Serotonin: 18

Acetylcholine deficiency: 8
Serotonin: 4
GABA: 3
Dopamine: 2

So does that mean that I'm a lot more balanced than I think I am or am lead to believe? Is the normal curmudgeon actually all that normal. It could be permissible in him because he's an average GABA. Maybe I put too much faith in this test. And perhaps tomorrow I will finish up my thoughts on this. Good night.

January 21, 2014
Braverman Nature Assessment.
Click on the first link if you want to take it. It's late for a work day and I need to watch my time so I will see how far I can go tonight.

I need to rethink this entry. I started it in my notebook but this past week might have destroyed my conclusions (I was so proud of myself, I never did that before!). I came to a conclusion tonight that the stress makes my memory blank out. Wait, I also could have read that somewhere. My brain is getting back to functioning, I also think half my problem is that any problem I have tends to stay on me and bothers me until I unload it on paper. So unless I get it done, I will be a grump until I do.

Note on January 11th: Both my parents were of the average childbearing age (late 20s, early 30s). She didn't and doesn't smoke, she didn't drink when she was pregnant with me--she did everything...normal. Considering the aunt who looks like me had her gallbladder removed and diabetes like problems points to the conclusion of it being genetic. I also wasn't given free reign over my meal choices when I was a kid but I was allowed snacks. I ate sugar snacks because it was the 90s and we all thought this was...normal (there's that word again). I shutter to think what would happen to me had I been born 10 years later when everything I ate as a kid would have been worse.

Also note: I had no urge whatsoever to do drugs or smoke. I'm completely agitated by any smoke, and if there was any possibility of wanting to, it was quickly stomped out after the summer of 1999. That summer, I spent in my Grandma's house scrubbing at least 50 years of nicotine off the walls. She had started to lose her faculties so we put her in a home, and in order to sell the house we had to paint it. Paint doesn't stick to nicotine buildup. It was sticky when you re-hydrated it while wiping it off and it rarely came totally off. Everything that I thought was harvest gold in the house was actually white.

As for drugs--I would say writing and probably chocolate were the surrogates. Any thrill I got was from thinking I finished something good or from chasing the idea that I could accomplish something. This site and journals elsewhere also helped. It gave me free reign to develop my thoughts/opinions without being overruled by others. It also gave me a place to throw emotions or to talk myself through them, particularly when there was nothing I could do about a situation instead of numb them out of existence. I know only a few people read this (I'm sure of it?), but it's the point that because it's out there, someone could be reading/listening (I have thought about expanding to a bigger platform but I never do. If people are supposed to find this, then I guess they will and it probably keeps me out of trouble).

The conclusion here is that I might have been fine or even... normal had my liver been 100%. It was pretty much a misadventure in sugar and genetics that nobody saw coming because we were all convinced it was...normal.

More later, go to sleep! This means you, brain!

January 19, 2014
Research!

I found it. I found the National Geographic Channel series on drugs that explains the brain and what happens when you're on it very well. I saw this back in like 2004 or so. It helped me understand my brain in it's natural state a little bit better.

cocaine
alcohol
pot. This episode also discusses psychosis episodes that some smokers have.

Return to the beginning of nothing!