Friday, April 17, 2015, 11:00 PM
Wednesday, April 15, 2015, 10:05 PM
I've had free preview Sirius for the past month because I'm a cheapskate and I can't justify paying for it. I've been hitting up the 50s station and the motown/soul station most of the time. I like listening to it because I vaguely remember it from the local oldies station in the mid 90s, I miss it (most of the FM stations are either in this weird gluttony
of Journey and the 80s, the 10 songs from today, or rock from the 70s). It's nice to finally learn some of the song titles and artists.
I kind of see it, I think I have a better color scheme but I'm having a bit of an issue designing space/future architecture. Up until this incarnation, all my stories took place on a
space ship, space station, or uncolonized, desolate planets). It's hard not to want to do what we usually see in sci-fi, which is usually shiny awesome looking
juggernauts of buildings with like waterfalls streaming through them or something as everyone in the future have endless amounts of money and a veritable cast of millions to make it look
awesome as well as their city
planning worked out exactly the way it was supposed to. But this is a mega corporation, so it has to be impressive, imposing even. It is also on a planet with an overpopulation
problem so it's like I need it to handle a ton of people and have an entry that does that (that's another one--where the future is overpopulated, as of right now, that's kind of true if we think of ourselves as this sci-fi
future to those in the 18th century). Future imposing buildings usually go for a stark white interior as well. It's perfect, and it stays immaculate by itself (dirt doesn't exist in the future)
so there wouldn't be any janitors to curse the design team (Whoever thought it was a good idea to have stainless steel elevators sucks!). Must multi-level buildings have a centralized
lobby point? You would want that to see who's coming in but that wouldn't be functional with the logistics of the masses. It's not really impressive if a whole bunch of people are standing
in front of you--so no matter what there has to be a fluidity of movement. Hopefully it doesn't end up like Harry Potter (A send up to the Jetsons? I didn't care for that cartoon).
I must leave you now, don't cry. I'll be back one day, I won't leave you forever. I promise to behave while I'm gone. I won't show up anywhere in a wizard outfit like one of the curmudgeons dared me
to. I don't have a wizard outfit. Though I should be one for Halloween this year so I'll have one and then I'll have an excuse to wear my teal unitard (you're right, I don't need an excuse). I'm in good
mood, I got to work it out on a floor (but not my floor...), it must be the constant faster movement because the constant vacuuming I've been doing hasn't been cutting it for me.
I also got the go ahead to use my leave now. Sanity Days--days I would take off just to complete things specifically in months without a federal holiday--are here again! Good night!
As I was laying down last night the brain belched up another name--Aleister Crowley but it wasn't even him who died of syphilis (lung/heart infection?).
But you can die of syphilis if it's left untreated. I knew it had the ability to invade brains
and make people crazy--so I got that right. I thought it happened to someone though. Do what you will is also the Wiccan Rede which both men apparently followed to a point
apparently and the whole thing is actually An it harm none, do what ye will (the original best friend got into that in high school for a bit so I am vaguely familiar with it).
Though the only problem with that is that you don't know if there might be some unintended consequences that could manifest. But that's beside the point.
See why I need to fix my brain, I can't have it splicing information, especially in this day and age, on this platform (BRAIN! INTERNET!). I've also noticed I've gotten slow on the recall
when taking quizzes at Mental Floss--I usually can only remember 70% of anything (it's not worth remembering, meh).
I could have swore someone famous did kill themselves with syphilis. Oh well.
Monday, April 13, 2015, 10:46 PM
Love is patient, love is kind (1 Corinthians 13.4)Ö. Love will help us survive (the genes must carry onto the next generation)
Before we get into this, can I ask a favor? I see your skepticism. Have I ever lead you astray? You know I haven't. You will? Good, I knew I could count on you being that we're all besties and everything.
This video, brought to you by BrandSins, explains how youtube works. If you've been following along, you are also
familiar with Electric Parlor, the hip, cool, and relevant band I have let you know about before they become a thing because I know you
are totally down with it.
I would like to get some of their videos to 1000 views, this means if they have ad revenue hooked up to it (I'm not sure?) they might get money (they also have the spotify as they are hip, cool, and
relevant--which pays, if I have
heard right, 3 cents per play which is better than nothing. They're also on itunes).
Even if they don't get ad revenue from this, the more plays it gets, the more likely more people will see it as the video explains. Do what you will, but remember, the man who said that
pretty much killed himself with syphilis.
Author's mistake 4/14/15: Aldous Huxley didn't die of syphilis, he had one of his characters in Brave New World say they wanted the right to get it though. But he instead died of laryngeal cancer.
I could have sworn I read that somewhere (INTERNET!) and the only reason why I remembered it was because it was so perfectly reckless.
You donít understand. No, you donít get it. When I come upon epiphanies like I did in the last few entries, I kind of always get kind of paranoid. Iím not supposed to actually solve my own
problems, Iím supposed to drag these flaws around forever! If I donít something else is going to happen, some other problem is going to manifest, something worse that I wonít know how to
deal with (The journey in this world is a heartbeat, it goes up, it goes down, if it flatlines, youíre stopped living--but it can be nice in the limbo). Or by knowing too much about what
I am or what my brain is going through then this will keep me at this level in life, that what I know cannot be known by the masses because it might bring too much calm to the world.
It would take too much of our struggle away and if we donít have the struggle then we wonít have a reason for living which is to grow and learn in the face of adversity for better or
worse, for sanity or further derangement (Well, you donít see me thinking these things when Iím happy, now do you?). Our existence will then become pointless, or we will at least become
too aware of it instead of just having me run around screaming about how everything is irrelevant making it easy for people to dismiss the thought as it is coming from a crazy person.
Iím taking one for the team that I am not on! Donít give me that look, you know you donít want to think about how the memory of your existence will be wiped from this earth in a few
generations as will your lifeís work and any impact you placed on this world. I am supposed to be on a constant quest of self-expression that never brings any answers to anyone including
myself but just reiterates what has already been said, gives me validation for my existence and the satisfaction that Iím right because I succeeded in this brief time period and gave
something to the masses that they pay me money for in order to not feel so alone (yet we are alone, so very alone). I want to be a part of an industry that rewards me for feeling bad
(What else do I get to do with all these years of suffering, if not to profit from it?)! How am I supposed to weave my suffering into gold?! How could I actually solve my problem?
How can I be so artfully tragic now? I canít!
I know too much. I cannot take this back. Now we have something in common.
I think Iíve been doing it wrong all these years. If I stand next to someone and start talking about my depression theyíd run or tell me Iím irrelevant. Yet set if I were to make my
depression rhyme and set it to music, then put on spandex, stand on a stage, shake my butt, and scream at everyone about it or weave it together in a story format that isnít about me then
other people would call it deep and relate to it. I do have a teal unitard (and you donít?), was this how I was supposed to communicate with the meatsacks? I suppose this takes me back to
March fourthís entry, the voyeurism of art isnít so much that other people care that youíre suffering, itís just that they can relate to it and thereís so much of a distance and so many
other people with you being fans that it doesnít require a real emotional bond of a one-on-one relationship. But people do react emotionally and want to meet these artists only for the
one reason that the artist made it so that gives them subconscious survival clout (I always think about any new artist that the year before they hit, no one knew who they wereóso in a
sense this is like going up to a random stranger and telling them you love their work). That if you get some sort of interaction with them, then that makes you worthy by proxy or relevant.
Relevant people survive, relevant people get food.
I suspect it must be the same way with love or things we think are love.
It hit me when I was reading crazy ex horror stories on buzzfeed (
Sorry Cracked, even I need to have my brain numbed when they arenít telling me useless information) and no I was not getting pointers (as far as I know the first two boyfriends are still alive despite
their best efforts in bad habits and their houses still stand even though I absolutely harbor no ill will against the second)! When we are rejected in love we lose the opportunity to
carry on our genetics to the next generation. Heartbreak is then just a primal reaction to this and realization that weíve wasted our own resources, sometimes putting their needs and
survival before our own, as well as the wasted effort in the cultivation of an opportunity lost. Depending on your genes, some people donít handle that well, even if it is always
temporary. Itís essentially the same with death of a loved oneóthe one person who put up with you, would help you survive is gone. Now what? Itís over, youíre left vulnerable to the
predator threats in your head without that other personóyou have to readjust your strategies because your backup is gone.
Iíve just now killed a million poignant love songs and a few pointless ones as well (though if you arenít producing Bjork level music, you may as well just quit now).
But the big question is why do we still need to make these survival bids in a time so easy? Why are we still controlled by this? Chalk it up to paranoia (though I wouldnít) but these times
are the most fragile of all. It would only take one good natural disaster to knock out the electrical grid then weíre all back to the stone age and most people would be clueless as to how
to grow food or function without the happy phone telling them what to do (happy phone is my pal, happy phone is my friend, happy phone will bring me good fortune, happy phone will solve
all my problems, happy phone will tell me what to think, happy phone will tell me what to feel, happy phone will keep all my secrets, happy phone tells me I can trust it, happy phone will
take care of me forever, happy phone is my pal, happy phone is my friend, happy phone tells me what to do, happy phone tells me where to go, happy phone tells me how to get there, happy
phone is my pal, happy phone is my friend, happy phone is smarter than me, happy phone tells me when Iím wrong, happy phone makes me feel good about myself and says Iím the only one,
happy phone waits patiently, happy phone is always there, happy phone will never leave me, happy phone happy phone happy phoneÖ.).
I also suppose it just might take a conscious effort to realize what we do or why we do it instead of just reacting but being that in all the years that weíve been cognizant and
weíve never been on the same page all at once concerning this issue, I doubt that we ever will (but itís okay, we have happy phone).
I think Iíll further expand on this later, this was actually one of the hardest entries to get out. I need a mind reset again, I feel scattered in too many directions and the outer life
wants to change everything right now so itís like I canít focus on thinking too much because I canít ignore the outer life anymore. Itís like I almost feel like Iím experiencing the end
of an era, like I have to step up instead of fly below the radar like I always haveóI am not ready for this and I donít think I can handle this without it taking a toll on whatever is left of my
sanity. What I think is going on is that there has been a generational shift, the latter day baby boomers who were born in the 60s have assumed all the leadership roles right now and they
are difficult to say the least. People my age have been dealing with them all our lives (boomers do what they want and then they make the rest of us pay for it--innovation!). Essentially,
all they want to do is fix things by reinventing everything because they think everything is corrupted and malfunctioning regardless if whatever it is actually is malfunctioning beyond
dysfunction or just could use a slight tune up. They usually end up causing more problems, delays, waste, complications, and bureaucracy than they would have had they just left it alone.
I have reached the point where I had enough dealing with this but Iíll continue to take it anyway because there is no other way. You could say that by stepping up and taking the initiative
I could stop it but in all honesty, no one has ever really listened to me anyway so I donít bother because it only makes me upset (the world is on fire and I brought marshmallows). In a
sense, there really arenít too big of problems in this world, if there were, it would come to a standstill. Somehow, we always keep it limping along like it always has but then again Iím
presuming that weíll stay at this functional level of incompetence forever instead of it getting worse. I suppose your perception on this issue depends on your level of faith you have in
your fellow meatsacks.
In short I donít want to give up what Iíve already worked and sacrificed for, I donít want to change life directions, I donít want to lose whatever I thought I was.
Maybe it will work out, job two changed itself and now Iím barely working which isnít exactly what I wanted--as I am now losing one key reason why I kept itóthe workout (Iíve been through too much
with this body to let it go to waste and the job made me keep active because it was paying me to do it, it is kind of important as it is good for the brain.)
Itís just funny and sad, this job has put me completely through the ringer and has been in short, bonkers, and all this time I kept thinking to myself that it couldnít get any worse and
yet they always come up with something, itís actually impressive (Iíve gotten word that for the rest of them itís not good). But with this extra time off I have time to write at my house
instead of wherever and I do have my backup plan that I have time to set upóI have a finance guy picked out that I have to give money to reluctantly (you donít know what Iíve had to do to
get that money). Whether or not my plan in this economic environment will work, is another issue but the most important thing is that I have to go set up a retirement because now job two
got rid of their program so I have no active retirement account with anyone. All in all, Iím not worried about the cut back of job two.
For the record: the grand total for the amount of money I found in the last two weeks averaged around a dollar. I donít think Iím out of the woods yetójob one has to change either in the
normal way or with a move up which I'm not sure I'm even remotely qualified for or can remember the protocol as it matters.
Iím still watching myself and recording my findings about my fantastic liver and its inabilities, weíre about half way through this observation. My final experiment will be to eat some good
chocolate (no mass produced ďchocolateĒ) and see if reacts the same way it did in the past.
As for Acetylcholineómaybe I canít handle an everyday dose, I donít know! I took one last night after taking one previously a week ago and it didnít make me overemotional or more paranoid
more often (particularly when I was lying down and trying to sleepóthen again this has happened in the past without the acetylcholine unless my brain had more of acetylcholine naturally in the past),
in fact I felt no change. Maybe it depends on my mood before I take it.
At any rate, I shouldnít think about such things, it really ruins the life experience. Shhhhh! Donít disturb the delusion.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015, 10:55 PM
Trouble is appearing on the horizon and I'm oddly calm about it (I'll deal with it when I get there but I'm not getting
caught up in the outrage).
I can usually tell when trouble comes when I start to see an abundance
of elephants and I find money, specifically 11 cents (it always is, and always has been--no idea why). But I am finding it hard to care. It's just so strange
to finally reach this plateau and not be on anything that could stop me from caring. I once cared, things used to matter, particularly when it was concerned with my source of income and maintenance of my way of life. Perhaps this means that I was right about my most recent research,
it seems to be pointing in that direction as it's been a week since Dinkelmann gave me more pills, I'll see in a month. Oh well. Here it comes.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Now I think I have the answer. Am I sure? You're right, I could very well be wrong but right now, it seems like the best explanation. I even emailed Dinkelmann to get his opinion before
doing anything else like throw myself at normal doctors and hope that whatever they give me won't mess me up even more.
But basically, I might be too overrun with Estrogen, but I also might not be producing enough progesterone or I'm fine in those departments but maybe my liver doesn't process anything
right including things that would be good for it overall like vitamins and minerals. And it's hard to heal it or tell something is up with it because it's always working with the
fluctuations in my body.
I only came to this conclusion after it crossed my mind that maybe it was the new Acetylcholine pill (yes, it's Acetyl-L-Carnitine not Acetyl-L-Choline. I bought a bottle and split it between Bruce and I, so he had
the bottle) that's throwing me for a loop as in increasing my estrogen and signs seem to be pointing that way. Things are balancing back out, skin is looking better, and my sinuses were getting compacted and now they're draining.
The only thing is, while my body seems to concur with this notion, the internet only could tell me that Acetylcholine and Estrogen
only have a vague connection. Which is bad because I
think it really helped my brain in feeling like it used to, remembering more, and functioning better, particularly with this whole research conquest (if it's good for my brain, it's bad for the body, I can't solve this!)
If it's not girl part cancer that might get me with an overrun of Estrogen, according to the last linked article above, a lack thereof might give me Alzheimer's and my liver is
just being a low-functioning jerk that only does it's job when it feels like it and wishes I were dead (go put on some black eyeliner and write me an emo poem, liver!). I tend to think
in it's present condition, I can shoot all the hormones I want at it, but if it's not working right then I still won't benefit.
I most likely won't end up hypothyroid like the sister because the sister and I do not have the same body type or figure like I pretty much figured.
And this figure that I have is a sickly genetic mutate that is only still around because it's just so appealing to the men folk, not because it's sustainable or strong for future generations.
Pig bladder stem cells it is then?
Though I will leave you with this question: If the conditions of this planet are good for intelligent life (stop laughing) to develop then how come other animals haven't successfully evolved
to create competing societies that manipulate the Earth like humans have as there are good contenders to do so like elephants, dolphins, and bonobos (the chimpanzee not the clothing store)
I'm tired, time to be quiet for a while.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015, 10:20 PM
A working theory (yes, I'm all over the place, but since I'm still kind of clueless I'll call it a theory. Or is it a hypothesis? I forget.).
If this man can be believed (buy my stuff now!) because I
know not everything is true on the internet, then the liver is the root source of hypothyroidism. The liver converts the proper hormone that the thyroid needs (T4 to T3, you sunk my battleship).
I want to say because of the anxiety, I ate sugar and over time, that wrecked my liver and that messed with the thyroid who told my brain that it sucked, hurt it's feelings, and gave it depression when I hit 14 (depression is also a fun symptom of hypothyroidism).
And I'm still strong enough, even though I'm a carrier for this genetic nonsense or because of my earlier health efforts from 10 years ago (even though it was still processed junk), I was
able to slow it down to the point where it didn't manifest completely and makes tests negative. I'm not sure how the progesterone
/estrogen issue fits in with the liver (still reading--but look at the progesterone page apparently low levels of it screws with serotonin or makes it not function like it should
which causes addiction.). I think something was off about me in my teenage years but it was convenient for me
so I don't know if that was normal or not (Who am I kidding? Of course it wasn't) as in it wasn't like all an insane PMS rage monster (in fact I don't get PMS, never have). Perhaps it was too convenient.
The brevail probably doesn't fix my liver, it just makes the estrogen manageable, and it's probably malfunctioning because there is a time limit on girl parts (We're 31. We don't need to do
this now or even start it, quit I don't want to deal with you!). I'm a bit concerned that all this nonsense may lead to some form of girl part cancer as I've been seeing it quite a bit in
reading, so something has to be done (you know body, the brain is trying to write a book and it's super hard when you keep interrupting all the time). Pig stem cells it is then?
Tuesday, March 17, 2015, 8:56 PM
I'm conflicted. I don't know who to trust or who to go to really for this, even though I told you Gastroenterologist.
I was reading up on it more and it seems like the only solution to a malfunctioning gallbladder is surgery. I heard about liver flushes and apparently that's a load of crap. Then there's
a part of my brain that seems to think a hormone specialist may have the solution to this but I'm sure they just inject things into women and not fix what has shut down and probably
don't deal with the liver itself. So what
exactly am I supposed to do, aside from a drastic move of stem cell stuff (I heard about it and they had a guy on the tv grow back a new finger that he chopped off, I don't know where
you would get such a thing unless you went to a butcher and got an actual pig bladder and scrapped the insides but that's kind of risky)?
It just seems like
both sides can be pretty bogus (but then again you get what you pay for at Walmart)
and I would say the Dinkelpills have worked for me since I am less sickly more often and I think I got rid of my developing nickel allergy.). But then again I have added more to the Dinkelregimine without consulting him (I am not a dangerous woman).
He gave me:
Neurocalm (promote activity of GABA and Serotonin, which may help support healthy mood, cravings, and feelings of calm, satiety, and satisfaction)
Adrenal Complex (supports adrenal glands and immune system)
Betafood (a beet based pill that supports the liver's natural detoxification process)
But like I said I wasn't feeling quite right. So I went to the organic store and tried to pick one that looked like it had something to it and added:
Acetyl-l-carnitine(improves the acetylcholine neurotransmitter in the brain which I thought I needed to feel less analytical. I'm still confused about depression, the happy pill was a Serotonin Inhibitor which in it's absence, would
give the dopamine room to exist but I guess that doesn't really mean that I have an overload of Serotonin or if the pill was just designed to jack with my brain more to make me seem happy)
Turmeric pill (the liver loves Turmeric)
A B Vitamin complex (brain support)
Aloe Vera pill (aloe is known to repair damage, you can eat certain species of it but it's hard to get a hold of that specific plant)
And for the problem you don't want to know about--Oil of Oregano.
And today I started an experiment with a pill he once gave me that I bought again to see if that improves anything called Brevail (a hormone stabilizer)
I'm on a strict schedule with myself during the week concerning food.
One yogurt--Chobani (best of the cheapest, may not be the best in terms of health), or Siggi (expensive but great). Usually mixed with chia seeds and one of the following: walnuts, almonds, or pecans
Two eggs, soft boiled or fried with coconut oil
Liquid vitamins--shot glass full
and a small glass of goat milk (I really don't like cow milk anymore and I can't get the cheap stuff anyway with hormones, etc in it)
Then I go to work
I have a cup of tea, with filtered water from my own house (it varies: black, chamomile, green, or this funky bamboo that I found)
2 pieces of ezekiel bread to keep weight on my body, it has little if any gluten. Sometimes I have one piece of spelt instead and one ezekiel. Both with butter or walnut butter.
Lunch is some kind of slop I cooked for a dinner--a meat but no pig products and vegetables, rarely having a starch with it and if I do, it's potatoes with one cup of tea (again one of the four, never duplicated)
I try to eat my salad product over the course of the day, this week it consists of: carrots, radishes, tomatoes, one whole avocado, real black olives, a bit of the following (distributed over five days): black radish, one small turnip, one
small beet, artichoke hearts, celery, a bit of horseradish, and bell peppers. Mostly anything raw, I've also had rutabaga, broccoli, cauliflower, bean sprouts, cabbage, kale, and brussels sprouts--
some of which I've stopped eating because it's bad on the thyroid apparently.
That's followed by a small salad usually consisting of spinach or one of those prepackaged spring mix salads (no dressing, just celtic salt).
and lately I've added a small cup of ground organic meat: beef, buffalo, salmon sometimes, and I have kobe beef from the organic store but I probably shouldn't eat it because it's so fatty (hard to cook too). But I bought the kobe
to put weight back on me because I went from 110 pounds to 107 pounds--which I don't like (I don't want to buy new pants!).
And a watered down cup of fancy juice from a glass jar with liquid mineral supplement shot. Or after I get rid of the juice, I'll go back to straight cranberry which also may be bad for me (but it also cures things! What do I do?)
Then I come home after 2nd job and usually suck down a Kombucha, with the exception of tonight.
Also, all pills are distributed over the course of the day at meal times.
This is exhausting and expensive. Liver, why did you make me have to take care of myself? Why couldn't you let me remain in the dark about what exactly causes my bloat? I need someone else
who should know something to juggle all this but no I have to guess at it and do it myself.
Anyway, last bit of useless information that you were interested in (I know you were, it's okay, I won't tell anyone).
Cracked told me about the Goddess Erin! She's the Goddess of awesome people and she do what she want (I'm in charge, I'm in charge!)! She lead armies! So basically my name is all fight! YES! For the record, I believe my
left pinki toe is Irish as we have only one distant blood relative--I'm mostly central European.
And in my archive, I was pondering Armenian names--I finally researched Dzaghganoush and I think I found the meaning and pronunciation. I was scrolling through another listing when I noticed
other names with the ending with anoush. Google knew what that meant--which is Sweet. The Dzaghg part is still a bit of a mystery but the name before it in any listing is Dzaghig (Flower), so
I'm guessing it has to do with Flower even if it isn't spelled exactly the same. So it's something along the lines of Sweet Flower or sweet smelling flower. It's pronounced Zah-gah-noosh.
I probably won't name my daughter this now. There is a part of me now that wants to name any daughter I might have after any legendary warrior woman but we'll see if we even get that far (as I'm
pretty sure this body is in no shape to be growing any humans properly).
It's always a battle. Good night!
Monday, March 16, 2015, 10:07 PM
That is IT! Someone get me Keith Richard's liver. He isn't using it for anything substantial. I need it. I'm done dealing with my
own faulty one, that wasn't even scarred by alcohol or drugs, just sugar and being weak (grand total of Erin lifetime drinks: 3, not on the same night). I don't care if he essentially put it through a meat grinder. He won't miss it, I'm fairly certain that he'd keep on living without it. Or can we at least sell him to science
right now? He'll be fine going through lab tests while he's still alive, I'm sure he's done worse. No, I will not take into account that I've heard that drugs were probably way different/less potent in
the 60s than what is available now.
Seriously though, if I could have anything done in this world, I think getting Keith Richards genetically mapped for the advancement of medical science would be top priority. But for now
I am honestly considering finding that pig bladder stem cell stuff so I can start jabbing it into various areas of my abdomen. Screw the side effects. I don't care anymore. I just want my
body to work right.
So what's up? Once I hit 30 I noticed that my hair wasn't growing as fast. While that initially didn't bother me even though I no longer accept any changes my body goes through as "just
normal, age related/you're old," I also found that my hair just seemed thinner (my braids are way skinner
than I remember, no I don't think I am misremembering this). It isn't noticeable because I have a lot of hair for it being so incredibly fine (and I think a lot of it is in the back too).
I kept thinking it might be hypothyroidism or a low level of it since we have that running around in the family (but I argue with myself that I swear it can't be possible for me to develop it
because I don't have the mutant giantess gene that I think goes with it or is a side effect due to it). But it was only just that problem and not the other symptoms .
I think I was tested for it once around the age when it manifests in other family members and it turned out false and I don't exactly want to go in without a clue again to have them test it and them telling me
that it is the problem because once you start screwing
around with it, you're stuck maintaining it with pills forever. Then lately, my face decided to breakout again like old times (lesser but still there and messed up), and a non-fat related
extension of my lower abdomen decided to show up again (it's non-fat related because I am not eating any processed junk anymore to cause such a development), and I still have this
persistent problem that you don't want to know about (oh, trust me). So I went to google, and I was like 'Google, tell me something I don't know, tell me about the hormone that controls
hair growth.' And google was all like yo, estrogen dominance, because you one uber female (because if it's worth doing then it should be overkilled!). Do you want to know, what regulates
hormones, specifically estrogen?
My Liver, and the gallbladder. I swear to God, gallbladder, I am trying to save you, if you crap out on me despite my efforts I will end you. I have been trying to make it up to you.
be no quitting, you're staying with the rest of us! Yes, my aunt
that I resemble, has had her gallbladder removed and off and on lately I have had slight pains in the area where it resides. I do not accept you, genetics. I do not accept your plans for me and future Erin
and if known medical science cannot help me then I will find a way to stop what you have started.
So I think I need to find a liver doctor, despite my dealings with Dinkelmann (my problems may be too out of control, that is an understatement), which I think there is such a thing (Gastroenterologist?). Now, this is why I get mad at health insurances. I'm not sure what my policy is about
specialists or if I'm limited to one that may not be as good as I need him to be (cost cannot be a hindrance even though I hate doing it but it's either pay for it now or pay for it later with more). Mainly because I am having such a hard time trying to figure out what's good for me to eat (no gluten,
no broccoli/cauliflower/brussels sprouts, no processed junk, absolutely no sugar/alcohol/caffeine, perhaps no chamomile. I know I'll eat rocks and air. Suck on that, body.) and everything is conflicting with what's supposed to stop specific
ailments and nothing is working anymore so I haven't found the root source. I'm thinking I might have to lay off the Kombucha. It's slightly fermented so that's something the liver deals with but at the
same time it's big on b vitamins which are good for my brain and I like it. Liver! Why must you take away one of the few things I can get pleasure out of anymore? RAAAAAAAAA!
I swear my ancestors must have been people who just mated early and often (my last name is oddly common), fought vikings, and dropped dead by 30, I don't know how we survived with all these problems.
But for some reason I was spared because to tell you the truth, due to my health, specifically my brain, I could have ended up medicating in a completely different fashion and I would have
ended up dead by now because I don't have the super liver. I'm sure someone was looking out for me.
Some people do not know how great they have it with their livers and then they just sucker punch it because society tells them it's normal (there is that word again). And we're all completely
ignorant about the liver and how important it is to living for some dumb reason (just culling the heard? eh.).
Quit trying to kill me, society! This is why I don't like you! I'm not going to be your tragic gone too soon story that makes everyone else in my life look all noble or something for putting up with me.
I'm not going to let them tell stories about me and my shenanigans like I was some mythical unicorn. You can just forget it.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015, 8:34 PM
Remembering things is overrated. It was a nice five year reprieve.
Tread lightly if you are like me. The Brain would like to pull no punches, you have been warned. I thought I should say something since I know you're out there. I do this not to harm but
to work through it, it can get rough, I know. But despite all this, you like I, can get through this. You have to, there is no other option.
I believe I have broken free of the bonds of Sertraline, that it is no longer lurking in my brain or my brain is no longer thinking that it controls me. However, through today's attack
instead of wallowing in misery, my brain finally told me what was bothering it, what had been harbored in there all this time but couldn't come out (Believe me I wanted to take another Sertraline
but I figured I should probably ride it out or see this through no matter how much it hurt. I also did it because something must be working for it, so I shouldn't disrupt the progress.). As far back as I could remember, my needs
have been disregarded--not so much in the terms of physical needs, mind you. I was fed, clothed, taken to a doctor (what good that did, I don't know because they sure didn't treat what
was actually wrong with my other health problems), taken places, given things, generally
regarded as a human meatsack. But for the most part when I do try to rectify with my past, I'm sure it wasn't entirely ideal by how neurotic I've turned out. Something must have happened, I couldn't tell you specifics of most incidences, I can't
remember but if I have to sum it up I would say that I was terribly mismanaged by everyone, everywhere. And every time an incident would happen, it would just stay
with me then most likely cause other incidents to the point where it would confirm my depressive observations of the world. It's hard not to be angry at that sometimes, because some days
I feel like I was robbed.
But the point my brain made was this: because my needs are usually disregarded, because I can't ask people for help or get answers to my questions, because I'm left to my own devices (effectively ignored) by authority (who
on a technicality should have been able to help me but really didn't) then the needs of everyone or everyone in general should be just as irrelevant as me or my problems. I was lead to believe growing up, that no one is any better or worse than me--that we are all the same.
That was one of the life lessons that they liked to drill into our heads. Keep in mind, this is focused on those around me, specifically in the developed societies. The brain understands that overall, she doesn't have it so bad
(and maybe that makes it worse, because that makes me even more irrelevant even though I do have health problems in the rest of the body. But what is worse, starving or being irrelevant or being irrelevant and starving?). But when I'm in a mood
and people have the audacity to ask for things, ask for help with anything, act like they deserve some sort of attention just for existing, or want anything then I feel annoyance or downright anger.
This is mainly because they weren't forced to figure it out themselves first, work at anything, or even try (you have half a brain that is sometimes used and are generally regarded as normal, what is stopping
It may also be that I get annoyed at the nature of all the service jobs I've been working for the past 12 years. While I have no qualms helping those I think who are like me (all of us
at the bottom of the heap and I have but to tell you the truth, I don't really care to bring that much attention to it), I get annoyed when those who might look down on me or think of me
as this lesser comes to me for help. And if those who are asking or seeking do not live up to their own principles or display hypocritical tendencies then this pulls the trigger faster.
The brain contends that if they're just so much better than I am then they should be able to get by without me or that I give so much to them but they don't have a half of second to give to me
when I know that they could theoretically handle anything (you, you, you!). It's just that they don't want to and if the problem gets too tragic then they help but not because they care but because
they do it to make themselves feel better or to look good amongst the rest of the normals because if they actually cared, then they would know about it already. The brain recognizes that
this is blunt, a general condemnation that shouldn't be placed on everyone, and is perceived as irrational. They have their own problems, mine are too much. They do not know what to do, so this is why I am the most qualified
to sort this mess out even though it really was of no fault of mine. Even though it should be the responsibility of those who created it but they didn't know they created it or they didn't
create it all. If there is anything at all that I have learned is that it's not just simply cause and effect. Events are woven together from many threads, what is seen as a direct source
of one thread came from many other threads woven from other directions.
It's a similar reason why I hate small talk. My brain is going off the deep end and people are trying to talk to me about some flippant distraction they fill their lives with (one of which is a medium
I one day hope to be a part of one day--the brain was aware of this and was conflicted). It's generally perceived as rude to interrupt and let people know my brain is having a problem when
they want to be friendly but I have a hard time feigning interest back or have a light conversation. Although, I have done this to a guy who seems interested and is more interested in the
body than the mind (the mind comes with it, sorry I can't remove it). He makes the mistake of asking me how I am and I tell him straight up what's going in the most casual way possible (and it's easy because
I email him) on instead of replying with the generic "good." He usually makes a leave of absence (it must be nice to walk away from it, I wish I knew what that was like).
But like I said, I don't have it the worst off. So why does it matter if I matter at all? I mean, I have come to like being ignored by authority (have I really?). I think it all boils down
to the innate need for survival. Humans depend on the group to survive so this means I've been rejected by the group and if I've been rejected then this means death. And if my brain is bent
on survival then it will not let go of this fact, despite our current conditions of ease in this world. It would be nice if things were better amongst humans where we did care about everyone but also I think we contend
with making sure that our genetics survive first before the group, so technically speaking it will never be this way. For all of our systems we set up to stop such tragedies, it will still
fail because they were created by fallible humans. Besides, if perfection existed in our society, I don't think there would be any poignant works of art. There would be no need for it and
nobody would relate to it.
But I will forge on the hard way, I have to because I at least matter to myself. I will keep working with myself, I will do what I can while I can. The world doesnít stop when I have a bad day, itíll just keep turning without me (I might
have to catch up with it later, that's alright--it has to be--I can't handle much else right now).
Don't for a second think I don't get it (and I mean that in the nicest way possible). Good night.
Monday, March 2, 2015, 10:59 PM
War and Peace
Here, for added ambiance I will let you pick between two more albums that I added to my list of albums I listen to completely that I found after I did that questionnaireó
Ellie Goulding Halcyon and
Florence and the Machine Ceremonials.
I would start this entry and then Iíd lose my train of thought and every and any point I had just seemed lost. I would try to write something and it didnít seem complete at all. I would
think things but I couldnít get them out on paper completely because when I tried, I would blank. I found it hard to even speak, and find the right words when talking it out with Bruce
which kind of was throwing me for a loop (as well as the fact that that he was actually there for me when I needed him). Talking out my issues to anyone is a completely foreign concept to
me. Iíve gathered over the years that a lot of people just donít want to hear my problems because they have their own/donít know what to do with me or I think mine arenít important enough
to warrant their help or they might think Iím over reacting or something external stops them from actually being there with me. Thereís also the added bonus that whenever I would get close
to people, they would end up leaving either by exiling me for being too difficult or they would just end up moving (So yes, it does freak me out to know I can rely on Bruce like this, he
isnít going anywhere unless I tell him to shove offówhich in short, is like kicking a puppy--so I have come to the conclusion that he could be forced to leave by an untimely death). I
donít particularly care for the thought of therapy (this is/was my therapy) with a human because to me itís like I would have to pay someone to care enough about me to listen, it might
work for other people but I see it as disingenuous (aside from that a lot of insurances do not cover it or cover it poorly).
I was restless, life felt wasted at work and all I wanted was to get home and promptly complete nothing. Then I started to get back into my old habit of avoiding people, not wanting to
make eye contact, and the phone was bothering me at work (it makes so much noise and then itís like what could they possibly want?)ówhich is bad since I am getting paid to deal with such
things. But now I get whatís going on (Am I sure? Sure? Brain check, one, two, check, check) and Iím sure Iíve been over this before.
Side note: Iíve reached 2006 of this journal for the task of combining it in one file and Iím up to 250 pages of Aral in 10 font size. From what I skimmed through it (I havenít even
started to read it) it almost appeared like I was repeating myself in a 10 year cycle. In 2004 I had started to research mental illness, specifically my areas of depression and
anxiety (figuring out what I was and wasnít) and what to do about it through articles that I found in the Post Dispatch and the internet. I was posting all the articles that I found on it
here much like I do now with my various obsessions with my liver function and healthy food eating (a lot of it was like that as well--it was like things researchers say to eat in order to
not feel so depressed but oddly enough it didnít say quit eating crap food or quit jacking your own brain with sugar). Last year I was also called something akin to a vile temptress (even
though I had no intention of being a temptress but the vile part is up to them as I have no plans to be vile but if they insist, I guess I can fit it into my schedule even though I really
donít have the time for it). In 2004 the first boyfriend told me that his mom (who was pretty much absentee in his life up until that pointóshe was a high strung Korean lady) thought I was
an evil whore despite there being nothing evil or whorish about me (much to the disappointment of the first boyfriend, though if I were whorish he would have to pay for it with the rest of
the guys because whores get paid unlike your generic slut). But who knows, now that I think back on it, Iím not sure if I should have taken his word for it.
Essentially, a bit of anxiety was getting to the best of me, again (Come on brain, we have two official jobs, a writing job, and the job of taking care of you plus a few hobbies to keep
you busy, yet you still want to do this?). But now I think I understand what it is, and why it happens aside from my brain doing what it wants (Awww SUCK IT!).
In order to get through life, when I was younger, I would eat copious amounts of chocolate and sugar. I think this gave me leverage with my brain. It kept the anxiety to a dull roar to the
point where I could function with people, albeit strangely and look relatively normal. I think it upped my dopamine and that in turn triggered the flight response in my brainówhere I would
hide in books and flights of my own fantasy. Now that my pancreas, liver, and spleen decided not to have sugar anymore, then that left my brain struggling and I didnít feel like myself
even though this might be the natural state (dopamine junkie, you are a lie). And because I was mentally stronger to the point where I was no longer intimidated by the external or I had at
least gotten to the point where I just wasnít having anything anymore (If I run forever, will they still keep coming for me?), then my brain decided to shut down and trigger the fight
response (So I am no cunning strategist in battle--just brutal?).
Itís just something I have to somehow control because Iím sure all this madness was the reason why Iím even here typing this. This must be the gene that allowed my ancestors to survive on
the European continent (Well, I might be useful later, someone will have to take care of those Bears in the Bearpocalypse and I know you wonít. Youíll try to reason with them, tell them
you wonít fight them and then theyíll eat you and the world will have no more battles because youíll be too dead to fight them. Good.). I only know this because I looked up the meaning of
all four of my immediate familyís last names. Three of them had rough meaningsóRock (and this ends in er so Rock-er?), Wolf, and Famous Warrioróthe last one is mayor of something, Iím not
sure what. The rock might denote masonry or a miner, the wolf is more vagueódenoting anything from being a wolf hunter, being cunning like a wolf, or just liking it (or we were all
WEREWOLVES!). And my actual last name means famous warrior that came from the coast of Pomerania in Poland/Germany where Iím sure they fought Vikings with a herd of yappy dogs (I somehow
did an image search without pulling up numerous pictures of yappy dogs and it was so weird seeing all these people who vaguely looked like meówe all have similar noses).
But a meaning of my first name that Iíve heard countless of times (despite my opinion that it probably means nothing of the sort) is Peace. So a very lose translation of my name is War and
Peace. I appreciate the juxtaposition, it fits me perfectly. Erin is actually a poetic term for Ireland usually spelled …ireann, a name derived from the ancient goddess …iru that has
since been Anglicized. Iím not sure what …iru is supposed to be a goddess of, from what I gathered sheís just the personification of Ireland and just is one of a triumvirate with her
sisters Banba and Fůdla (though usually when that happens they all take on the role of various stages of a womanómaiden, matron, crone but it doesnít say).
Celtic/Irish names frustrate me to no end. It can be hard tracking down pronunciations and meanings for these because I guess a lot of it was lost and they are the most creative spellers
out of all the nations. A good example of this is Caoimhe, pronounced Keeva or SiobhŠn pronounced Shivaun. Itís like if I were to tell people that my name is spelled Erin but pronounced
Steve. I mean, look at this nonsense.
Letís put accents on every letter and stick a few silent bs and hs in this name, that looks awesome.
Anyway, knowing this thought alone has calmed me down a bit as evident but Iím still a bit at odds with people (the understatement of the year), even through Bruce has been bringing me
back from the brink. I just donít know what to do with them. Some of them had noticed my mental state and probably have identified what I am by the pitying looks theyíve given me (but like
I said, I have nothing here to prop me up or cover me so I guess this is normal?). I also think they might be making an effort as well, which is dumbfounding. People in the office spent
money on me to get me a card for my birthdayóa real fancy one that plays the OG hamsterdance song. I appreciated
the effort but Iím not really sure if it was done because they like me or because they just pity me (I donít think Iíve given them much to like, Iím very neutral where I just fill in
missing roles and am bad at small talk). Iíve been dealing with the anxiety for probably all of my life and the depression hit in 1998 when I was 14 (1997 was this great year and it all
fell apart the year after), Iím used to people not noticing. Iím used to people not knowing what to do because of lack of information, Iím used to people treating me poorly or exiling me.
Yet I donít feel like I can be close to them, work relationships with the normals tend to be the most difficult, they move on fast. To me theyíre just ships passing through in the night.
So how are you tonight? Yeah. Me too.
Sigh. Anyway, Iím crawling back to my writing. Ití just hard now I guess dealing with what I actually am (dopamine makes it easy to create). The big feeling Iíve had is that Iím tired of
reading and studying and I just want to do stuff. It doesnít matter if the of lack of study might screw up whatever I plan on doing, I want to do it. I want to go out and be useless!
Brain, settle. I know we always do wait but you must (I do understand that we are now 31 but time and space are irrelevant).
Job two is taken care of, or less up in the air (I will not believe it until it happens). I will be getting a pay increase! Job one is extended yet again to perhaps June if not earlier,
if not later, nobody knows. This is cramping my style, it makes it hard to take leave. If it does finally change to a new company then that is effectively starting over with leave so any
type of trip in the latter half of the year would be hard to plan. But if I take all my leave now and Iím still with this company then Iím still out of luck later. But Iíll deal with it.
I am here because I get a consistent paycheck, and itís not very stressful now. I get good health insurance. I made all the quarters for social security that probably wonít exist when Iím
ready for it. I have half of a 401K. I am working my way towards rich eccentric hermit. I can deal with this, I will deal with it.
I also found some good code to copy and paste in this fancy side menu (soooooooooooo fancy) but for some reason it still does not do what I want. That would be to remain up at the top and
to get rid of that extra blue part. Iíll keep working on it. I looked at the HTML code for dummies at Barnes and Nobel recently and I still couldnít focus on reading it
(boooooooooooooring, needs more explosions, too many boxes and I just don't have the time).
I need to leave again. But before I go, I need to point out that today is the most important holiday today.
Itís Casimir Pulaski Day! So get out your party hats and your noise makers and decorate the Pulaski tree,
this man got shot in the crotch and died for YOU! Good NIGHT!
February 16, 2015, 9:48 PM
I was scrolling through the past and left off yet another entry from the archive where I delve more into my fractured memory of my youth. I'm doing the same thing I do here, I wing an entry and then I remember all this other
stuff later (come on, brain!). I was also going through 2009 looking for any type of plot point that I may had inadvertently left here as I saw two bits of my story out in the real world lately (2009 was when
I started to put together a giant outline of my book). I'm only going to change
one of them. I didn't find any mentions so maybe it was just an unfortunate coincidence (I hate it when this happens, I work so hard and then it comes out before I have a chance to put it out there!).
But I did find this!!! and today I found it's sequel.
Finally I found this masterpiece:
It's over now. Everything anyone has ever hoped to create pales in comparison to this genius. I should give up, shut it all down. We're done here! Also, this
guy has too much time on his hands.
Brain, let's go. Please adjust, I might have to think through a thing that I have thought through with you many other times before, but we really can't spend much time on this as we have things to do. Okay? Okay. Good night
February 14, 2015, 4:08PM
I had an idea of stuff to put on here, but I don't think it will work. I was going to build an archive page, this archive page would have 16 pictures of me (because I tend to think of the past Erins as 16 different people) from each year that I've had this site,
which would take you
think about it, possibly was working, it's just that my computer was having a fit with adobe), and the site telling me I'm using 1 meg out of 50 I still may not have enough room. There's also the fact that
to build it took a lot of effort and it still isn't quite right (I have to go write a books to justify this nonsense, you guys come here I should at least have something to show for it! I realize after reading my archive that I am no farther on than 3 years ago, sure I was doped out of my mind back then but that's not a real
good excuse). I also had to go find and hook up all the links that I kind of kept but some of them were deleted off the internet.
I was trying to upload 3 pictures because I was having a hard time deciding which one represented me the best at 28. It was a big year, particularly for taking good pictures.
I tried to shrink them some more, deleted more stuff, but it wouldn't get the third one of a picture I took of my shadow in Arizona which I also couldn't find on the myface page (why do you upset me, myface? I
wanted order, not chaos. I have plenty of chaos.). Backstory: The one in the black, I was pretending to be an emo kid--it was Emo Kid Friday. The purple one is a dress I got in Hawaii, I was showing off.
As for the entry--that was me putting myself through a teambuilding exercise, I thought about leaving it up here as some sort of explanation but then I figured it would become dated quickly and I wouldn't update
it as much as I could. I took it down because I was going to update it two years from now. That's another thing I could do, some sort of explanation ("What is this?" "I'm Erin, what are you?" "Why is this
here?" "Why are you here?" So on and so forth.)
In other news, I think my brain is getting back into old habits which may be problematic with trying to pretend to function as a normal person with jobs. I'm getting tired during the day and then I end up wanting to stay
up way past
what I should on week nights. Fatigue is not my friend, it triggers attacks, so I can't be having an anxiety attack (which still involves anger--that may be a symptom of getting off the Sertraline, personally
I think it's just five years of anger and fear that just got stored in my brain) at work either. But I've been having dreams again (There was an impossibly large vulture that was stuck in a screen window so I helped it out), so I'm not sure if that's just apart of the territory and regardless what
anyone else thinks, that there probably isn't anything I can do about it. It's a catch-22. The sertraline kept me on a consistent schedule but at the same time I didn't feel (but I was sure pleasant to be around), dream, remember things, and I somehow wrote half of a
a book without any drama. Now I'm sort of getting back to my old self, freaking out about things (sometimes nothing as far as I could tell, that's fun), and not being able to focus on writing. I should go find a nice rock I can crawl under
and live the rest of my days there.
This is a lightning bolt of a song. You go Florence.
February 12, 2015, 9:46 PM CST
My new favorite song. This guy is awesome.. I don't know why I didn't think there were many words that rhyme with my name. And that
despair kind of does.
Since I'm here, here's a janitor joke: So I'm collecting the garbage and I have to double back on this one row, so I do one side first then the other. I briefly forget I do this and almost look like I'm going to
start on both sides at the same time but then resume the normal route. The guy at this desk politely inquires "Aren't you going to get that?" and I rib him with "No, I like it just the way it is. It's art."
(Yes, I actually explained what I end up doing).
Yes, I'm gone! Good night!
Saturday, February 7, 2015 9:49 PM CST
I am breaking things. I broke the opening page, www.spacecases.50megs.com. I was able to save the gifs to Jpegs on Greg's half, I then deleted a lot of things. I might
have broken it good. I want it where all my stuff or at least my second index comes up first. I would like to delete the file labeled FoxZelda and it just be one site. I tried moving this file and I couldn't really without breaking links or disrupting background images.
I can't even organize my background images in a separate file. HTML code is weird. I don't like how it organizes things! Hang on...
10:26 PM: Okay, I am really confused now. When you type www.spacecases.50megs.com Opera brings up the busted Wanna Be a SpaceCases index of Greg's site (not even the main one), Firefox brings up the original index that had both our sites on it (that I may have deleted), AOL brings up my index without the background and without the new updates. What did I do, what has gone on?
I should just step away for tonight and see what happened tomorrow. I think that might be best (the help is only here Mon-Fri and they might not help me because I don't pay for anything...). Now I've done it.
10:41 PM: Fine! It just might be straightening itself out--I think my index has taken over as the main index and now there's two separate ones, one under the main thing and one under the FoxZelda file. ....HTML code... Let me check to see if the links are okay.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015. 8:55 PM CST
I forgot something equally important. The Birthday Horoscopes for the year! Let's check last year's:
Post: Your birthday today: This year you have the opportunity to clear up a problem that affects your community and your professional image [Professional image? You are a laugh riot]. You will feel
like a different person. Your efforts seem to draw excellent results at work. If you are single, you could be overwhelmed by your many choices of suitors. More than one person seems suitable, but only you
can decide what kind of relationship you want. If you are attached, the two of you act like newlyweds from mid-July on. Consider going on a special vacation that you often have discussed. ARIES can be testy
From the BND: Do something creative during the months ahead. Monotony is the enemy. Strike back by engaging in hobbies and picking up skills that interest you. Strive to be competitive in whatever you
Well, look at that. Feel like a different person, they weren't kidding. And I did try to clean up a professional image, I'm not sure if it worked (probably not). Results? I GET THEM. Hmmmm at work though,
it's only recently that I've felt like I was doing something instead of following (but on a technicality, I do this because I can't do much because of my job category and the fact that I am a contractor. I'm
low man on the totem pole). Many choices of suitor--they all came out of the woodwork and I was kind of mad at them (I always ask where they were six years ago when I was doped out of my mind? Although I did send one
guy packing while drugged because I thought I was doing him a favor as he didn't know what lurked beneath the fog and it affected all feeling. Sorry, it was for your own good). I didn't go or discuss any special vacations. I don't think I know
any Aries. The BND one was essentially useless.
Post: Happy Birthday Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2015: This year you evolve to a new level of understanding with others. You often feel as if you stumble into one obstacle after another, but you will have the
resources to pull yourself out of any potential quicksand. If you are single, you attract an unusual amount of friends. You will discover that at least one of them has the potential to become more. If you
are attached, the two of you open up to many different ideas. You could quarrel more than usual if you are not careful. Honor your differences. LEO always has good ideas that are different from yours.
BND: Sharing your creative and novel ideas will help you attract the kind of people who are looking for innovative investments. Don't be shy, promote your skills and pursuits in a confident manner.
I evolve with new understanding or they evolve to understand me? I find that hard to believe. Obstacles you say? How do I respond to that? Preemptive Strike? You know that doesn't do anyone any good. I'll
be dealing with it when I get there. Friends? I don't think I know any Leos anymore. I do feel more confident, like I said earlier, I feel like I'm in control of things instead of feeling like I'm being pulled around by my
foot like I usual.
I also forgot that Bruce sang the first part of this to me this morning. He's so sweet.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015. 12:09 PM CST
It's nine minutes past the hour and we are now into the 31st year. Huzzah! This year's birthday was not spent in the thrilling venues of Walmart or the DMV but first at the new organic grocery store buying
goat milk and kombucha! Then I had breakfast with Bruce where we got into discussions on morality (this is why I like him so much, I can talk to him about anything and say anything to him, he does the same). I
often think we should record these discussions and put them on the internet but technically speaking, I shouldn't (aside from the fact that I would have to sign up to the Great and Powerful Google to get a
youtube account). Because of the job, I shouldn't really put myself out there, it is frowned upon (that's another rule, do not discuss the job in detail). But today's topic was a rumination over the reputation
that I have gotten of being shady. Let's see if I can explain this without ending up being creepy (MREWHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA) there's actually a lot of veins that connect to societal woes that certain groups
go through with this and that people are fighting to end (it's just that I don't have a group so it's easy to label as just plain wrong). One of the big issues that people have with me is why I hang out
with Bruce a lot, they think it's weird (Why don't you hang out with guys your own age?), and frankly I guess I can see it, he's an odd duck and could drop dead at any second (even though he's middle aged
and not like 90) and I am just as much of an odd duck but I have a pretty girl body
covering it (for now?). So I guess, people must think I'm normal (whatever that is?)? So I often do what people have parroted for ages "Do what makes you happy/don't let anyone tell you what to think, etc, etc
blah blah blah" But
oddly enough when I do things like this, people don't like it (I know, I rebel when people say they want revolutions, I rise up as a depressed-anxious/blue collar worker when they say they want the oppressed
to rise up and it's like they hate it, I just don't get it and then they get all indignant when I point it out).
I know many people won't get him so I get protective of him and try not to be overt just to keep the peace. So does that make me shady or does that make me a product of society?
People always say that we're American and we're supposed to do what we want (F-yeah MURICA!) but there always is a line to be drawn. But then again, nobody knows where that line is. Because like what I think
when I'm with Bruce, I think that it isn't as bad as say being a complete whore about everything (with everyone! But that's being too judgmental, you should be allowed to make mistakes, big ones like medically.
Seriously, I don't care but I will not be participating, even if according to the old adage that this is the only way crazy people like myself would get any sort of human contact, you don't know who are the
typhoid Marys are, they all look so normal and it is socially unacceptable for me to hose people down with Lysol). So it was ultimately like we were coming to the conclusion that most laws and rules are exceptionally vague and very fragile. People talk all the time about changing laws
with the times but that means, that it must not have had any sort of gravitas in the first place if it can be changed so easily and if that's the case then why are other rules exempt? Particularly if people
just can't admit they're wrong? But like I said many, many, many, many, many, many times before--most things are complicated, a wide variety of shades of gray, we often do ourselves a disservice if we see
things in polarities (except when I get tired of doing it when few others do it and I just stop caring particularly when no one cares about what I go through) or that it's only acceptable if we do the action.
But I digress, like religion, laws, rules, and anything else that can get corrupted by the power it wields, we still do need them. Because no one wants to find out what happens if all rules are inapplicable
because some have changed with the times. I know, but that's an extremist view, it's only some inconsequential ones and we did it before and no one died, etc, etc. We're not going to go all Bear Apocalypse! But the thing is anything is possible,
particularly in the sense we have proved through history that we are all capable of anything (you know, a lot of people don't like that thought). But I suppose when you get down to it, the main problem is that
we all may not know the reasonings behind rules and like most things they are generalized. We all love our generalizations, it's simpler that way.
Well, that was uplifting. Have a nice day! The other big news is that I overturned the internet to find some free html code to spruce up the place (oh look at this, I've updated something for the first time
in 16 years. I can be fancy. It's so snazzy!). It was kind
of hard, being that everyone wants money nowadays (whiners). And Myface wasn't all being a jerk, so I am sorry, Myface. You have a right to try to change yourself for the better, it's just that often times, you're
always looking down on me and judging me for not being interesting enough by uploading things for you to look at. It's just that their operating instructions are as clear as mud and I didn't have the
right address. It's also kind of hard to get to the pictures from the outside (and inside). You have to go to Uploads and then to Photos. But you know, it works so I guess I'll leave it (sooo flashy). It really
isn't kosher to put your face on your webpage anyway unless you are something. That leaves vulnerabilities, it was particularly that way when I was younger (you don't need to know my face, I could be anywhere, I could be nowhere, it's
Other than that, I have my way to the next part of this game now. I just have to commit it to the file. I'm eagerly awaiting the next move of Electric Parlor (look at their website, sooo fancy), they should be
fulfilling their pledges soon. And even though we shouldn't be talking about it (Hi guys!), it's gonna be time to get on the dancing shoes at work because HERE COMES THE RUNAROUND!
Last week, I helped the other janitors track down and submit resumes to the right contractor in a possible upcoming changeover for no other reason than I like suffering. In fact, both jobs are set to potentially
changeover on the same day so there is a distinct possibility that I will end up with no jobs. Oddly enough, I am not worried. What is wrong with me? Have I freaked out and cared so much that I burned out?
I'm still kind of all over the place but generally on an upswing or possibly apathetical (You just enjoy your life, you deserve to be happy at all cost! Self reflection is for losers, there is no viable reason
that points to negativity being anything other than just life taking a dump on you! I've got the happy umbrella to deal with that!).
Well, something did happen lately. I think I was able to pull a depression off my back. I like to think that depression is like someone or something jamming a knife that has a ball and chain connected to it in your back.
You can't pull it out yourself because you can't reach it, so you either cope by dragging it around or you just stop and lay there weighted down. People may help you, and might try to pull it out but they can get stuck in there (or if
it can get pulled out you just might bleed to death) or a good therapist might be able to cut the chain but it can grow back if the right circumstances are met (similarly they can fade and reappear with similar circumstances).
Any sort of mood enhancers legal or illegal don't really get rid of them either. They just turn
them into balloons for a good couple hours. I only think it can be solved by either trying to fix the situation or trying to get the person who did it to you to deal with it. But if you're already wore
out from dragging all the depression around then you're not going to be strong enough to deal with it either (and if that's the case, lay low until you are). So I guess I was finally strong enough to do something. It also just might have cost me about as much
as a good therapy session so... Whatever works?
Perhaps I should stop counting the days when I'm feeling good or thinking that I might be healing (they say I have it for life, and brains are incredibly
hard to cure due to the fact that everyone is different but I am studying it in order to find an individualized treatment, so I must be doing something). Perhaps I should measure it in percentages, like today
I'm 85%-15% in positivity's favor? I'm neither nor, but existing on a temporal wavelength beyond the human concept of feeling (if I tell myself that enough, it might be true)? Balderdash.
As for waves (see January 14). I tend to think that they did something but being that I sometimes don't trust my own perception (it's doing it because I want it do something!) I tried to get Bruce to listen to it because
we think similarly so he would be a good test subject. But then he did it wrong by not using headphones and playing them all at once. He did it at his apartment possibly with it turned way up, no now his neighbors probably
think he's doing something weird (er than usual?).
But my conclusions were that when I first listened to them, they were all rather powerful in that I felt it in my sinuses except for the Alpha waves which I felt that it did little if anything. Delta just kind of pushed on my head,
Theta I found overwhelming but it wasn't unpleasant and after a while it made me sleepy, Mu was pleasant (I like Mu), Beta just felt heavy and Gamma was strong. That really doesn't mean anything but
Wikipedia has something to say on the subjects of Electroencephalography and Binaural beats in that
they exist. There's a chart there that says like Gamma waves are associated with Higher mental activity, including perception, problem solving, fear, and consciousness--so does this mean that my brain is full
of Gamma waves since I was full of fear as an anxious person? Or does it make me feel normal because it's pumping it back into my brain therefore making me think I'm back to being what I am used to? I'm not sure, but
I think I'll keep it, particularly since the Theta wave kind of put me out. What could it hurt?
Alright then, I guess it's back to universe, and going out with the family for dinner. And we'll keep rolling on and do this thing all over again. And I will continue to try and format this thing a bit better,
I have manipulated it from the original code so it will take some tinkering to get it right. So fancy.
February 3, 2015
It's learning, it's learning. Nooooooooooooooooooo
My face, did you just delete my page? Did you just do that? Seriously? Fine, whatever, I, like, totally put up your "reinventions" and all that time you spent "finding yourself" even though it made my life
like more complicated because I had to learn all these new rules just to communicate with you or something. People were all like 'Why are you still with that platform?' to me and I was like 'No, it's fine,
we have an understanding.' Or so I thought.
I have 49 megs of space now, I don't need you!!!!
12:23 AM CST
January 27, 2015
I imagine after the Bear Apocalypse (where either the stock market and currency tanks like the curmudgeons think or Bears become cognizant and build laser cannons to put on their heads and take over the world)
my external hard drive will be the only thing left of society. The left over humans will find this and somehow make it transmit the contents with what little energy source they have. This will become their sacred text on how to live their lives!!!!
Behold the wisdom revelation!
May 19, 2000
Not much is going on okay good. For some reason itís very cold for this time of year dinner calls to me bye!
That, right there is profound. You're welcome (and yes, that is 86 characters).
But that's alright, 16 year old Erin, I still like you, I still got your back. You had a lot going for you, you just couldn't get to it and there was a lot going on that you couldn't deal with. It's actually kind of interesting to see how far I've come, but you do realize I can't do anything with pages of stuff like that
(the next entry was longer where I lamented that the cartoon shows don't teach useless information anymore). Some of it has dated references, which I try to avoid now (general rules: no celebrity discussions, nothing about
current events, don't discuss the family much, discuss ideas--try to see all sides). I'm not sure if I can put the best ones out here, they might not make any sense without some of the spaz ones around it but I guess I might have
to look into that one day. But I still want to keep these entries around even if they are kind of pointless, it's a good illustration of
what I used to be and I might need that reminder sometimes. For the record, I want to say I started to resemble this Erin you see now in 2009.
Okay, it's a work night, gotta go. Food prep, bathing (ugh you people and bathing! The things I go through just to appease yooooou--I could be kidding on that), sleeping (again, didn't I just do that?)
I know, we still have to discuss the waves. And I figured that what I plan to do is kind of obvious but I have no other solutions as of now. So, I bid you good night.
10:19 PM CST
January 25, 2015
Fine, I cleaned up the place some and almost broke things. I deleted some script that housed a defunct webpage counter. I deleted all my original characters because the gif (gif, I remember you) links weren't working on the page (there
are at least a few other characters that I can't get to show up or save in my hard drive so I can clean them off because I don't like deleting things I don't have a copy of. I deleted a java script wormhole that broke somehow--didn't
show up when I tried accessing the site. I corrected all the spelling and grammar errors Greg had on his half and reconnected some links to basically empty pages because of the gifs. I reread his half. He
had ideas and plans--he wanted to make some sort of online space invaders game. He was the brains of this operation, I was just the face, he set this up and got me into it. I think we only started this
because there wasn't any blog sites of any sort, just these rinky-dink fan page platforms from like geocities or angelfire (RIP). Back in my day you had to start a website and had to learn something in order to act
like you're relevant online! Get off my lawn! I haven't heard from him in at least five years. He majored in Spanish and Russian and the last I heard he was working for a government contractor somewhere
on the east coast that had him traveling to Russia quite a bit (needless to say I was a bit concerned at the time).
So now I have some more space freed up. I could expand on this page more. I could even put in an archive, though I'm not sure why. This is why I delete entries here after a few months because of space
constraints. I still have most entries on the hard drive except for a few in late 2002 because the computer ate them and I could only recover a few. Teenage Erin wasn't completely daft, she thought a lot
but was rather spastic, bent on success in that it was coming any day now (some things never change!). Although my earliest entries are not available for online consumption right now because I stupidly
printed a hard copy only and stuck them in a binder. Occasionally I retype them back into the computer. In fact, I'm not sure if they should, I am looking at them and a good lot of them are updated every two
days and only a few sentences long mainly with a lot of action descriptions and screaming. What was I on (okay I can answer that sugar, chocolate, crap food)? How did I manage to get through life? How did I manage to hide this insanity from everyone if all
of this was spinning around in my head? Maybe I should set up a twitter account for this Erin, she seems like the perfect user. I almost want to see if she would get a lot of followers.
I could even embed youtube videos, I guess (I shouldn't get ahead of myself--baby steps, please).
I'm just still not over the fact that people read this page, mostly I operate under the mindset that I'm talking to myself (How are you, self? Very good, thanks, self!). Then why do this? You ask too many questions.
Something to do, something to be accounted for? To exist? To keep a record of the discord in my mind when it affects my ability to put together a sentence that makes sense and share it with the world (it's no
fun to keep it to myself!)? Because I started it and out of
force of habit, I keep it going? Because I don't trust the facebook or even myface (I tolerate you, myface) with my words and I also find those platforms confusing--they have so many terms and agreements that
change often for nefarious reasons.
It's just that I thought I was in my own little secret corner of the internet that maybe a few people knew but they didn't go about spreading it (it's probably better this way, congratulations, you are exclusive)
I thought I was kicked out of search engine proper at least 10 years ago, because I would search myself and this wouldn't come up. Not spacecases, not foxzelda (the email
used to bring it right up, not so much anymore--just Nintendo stuff), not wannabaspacecase. Nothing. Any type of webrings that exited back then are now defunct as well, so there is no path to this website
unless someone specifically told you to come here or you've been with me all this time (I'm your favorite train wreck you just can't stop looking at). And that number indicates that despite all this, people
have still found me and stick around (like all 100 of you who look at this site 3,910 times a month!).
But I am happy that you are here.
Okay, alright, I do need to leave, seriously (I need to write this stupid part already!). I used to end entries because dinner was ready back in the day. So I must leave, dinner is ready.
January 23, 2015
This website, trafficestimate.comsays I have an estimated 319,000 views in the last 30 days.
Hi? Although I couldn't specifically measure this page just the opener (spacecases.50megs.com) and I can't imagine people are looking at Greg's half of the site since now I just looked at it and it's not
there or the link is broken (7.50 megs is the original name of this host site--Greg found it). Perhaps I should fix it? Or take over the whole thing? Well it's just someone liked it and they worked on it so that's why I kept it up. I was also afraid of deleting the wrong things to the point that it would
end up so screwed up that I wouldn't be able to fix it. After 16 years of owing this thing, I still don't know html code very well, just enough to do damage here and I don't know what to search for to jazz up
the place and half the time I don't care or I'm busy. I'm cheap because I'm not going to pay anyone to design anything particularly since I don't bring in anything to justify paying for this site either.
For the record I took half of a semester of web design offered by one of the physics teacher in 2002--my senior year of high school. Most of what I learned then is obsolete.
And yes, to get analytics on this site, I would have to pay for it or sign up to the great and powerful google, neither of which I will do. I found this site while trying to research the extent of these analytic
marketing tools (I can never get a clear answer as to how intrusive it is, this is concerning mainly because it makes assumptions about me. I have a lot of it blocked with various and sundry blockers but
I'm sure it still gets through and tracks me because this method is too easy. I probably don't even realize or see the half of what it's doing to me). So welcome all 10 of you who look at this approximately 31,900 times
a month. I had my suspicions that you were out there because I would see things that I just mentioned here and after a while it just seemed too obscure to be a coincidence. I'm just stunned that I'm actually
being listened to consistently. I'm actually more surprised you sit and read through my mental breaks when I'm sure if I ran my mouth every time my brain broke amongst the physical meatsacks, many would make a run
for it or call someone on me. It has happened.
Anyway, I'm still contemplating this part. Who knew it was so hard to write a section without a discernible plot. I also planned to sneak in something that alludes to another part of the plot but now I'm
wondering if it's too blatant. I have all these ideas and no real way to execute them, you don't understand! And just how is a man who works alone supposed to escape out of somewhere after completing a mission?
You need something that is ready for a quick getaway and you're not going to leave a space car idling somewhere. Dur.
I want to keep moving faster but I guess I have to stop and plan this, particularly if I would like it suck less. My brain has shown signs of returning to it's original self. I had some dreams recently
which has been a rare event as of late, but they were so mundane that I almost didn't realize I had been dreaming before it woke me up.
Speaking of which, I should go practice. Good night.
January 19, 2015
Building off old ideas
Now I know what the issue is here aside from being too vague. I'm working off preconceived notions, though a part of me wants to keep doing it for reasons. There are two influences that my brain keeps
belching up at me in bits and pieces and now I finally remembered it. The Sing video from MCR and this scene
from Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (a movie I didn't even see--oddly enough none of the Mission Impossibles appeal to me). Basically, I have now realized that in the only reason why they need to get
into this place is to retrieve something but I don't know what that is (doesn't matter what it is, all that matters is that there are explosions and flashing lights!!! wooooooooooo!). Do you want to know
something else? Of course you do. Most somethings nowadays are in computers. Why would you have to go into a place to steal something when you could just use hacking means? UUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH that's just
some guy sitting on his butt pushing buttons that's sooooooo
booooring. SNORE. No, I'm not going to write in a person rescue, then it would be exactly like the MCR video and I don't want to do that even though I said before here, I wouldn't have any character march in
the front door either (but it looks cool when they do that...whiiiiine I want it to look cool.).
I know how this part ends, I just have to get there.
Thoughts? Anyone? Self?
January 17, 2015
Up the ante. Take it somewhere we haven't been before. I create complicated monsters. I create complicated monsters because many things have been done before and usually the first thing I think of is the same thing that everyone else has
thought up before me as it is the easiest or the most simple. Then I go off the deep end because I don't want flaws and it only takes a few more years of thinking to work it out (was that so hard? I didn't think so). I'm on to you, internet.
Shall I explain? Can I explain while being vague about this? Okay, they're breaking into something and it's at night. But, now that I think about it, that's wrong. They're the only ones there so that would draw attention to them (remember even in this day and age
with surveillance it's hard to be covert). I've also considered
a less traditional means of entering maybe without doors. I set the rules and I have to break the rules but I'm too good at setting the rules up. How did I even get this way? It can't be just my anxiety on
overdrive (but then again, even without my job interfering many things in this world have changed perspectives about what people are capable of doing and it only takes one vulnerability to make it possible).
A part of me thinks that a lot of my ideas and plot lines were cutting edge or any good 10 years ago.
While I go off and continue to resume my role as referee in the fight between the polar opposites of my fractured brain, or plead with myself to let this defensive analytical domineering side stand down for a brief minute when I'm trying to create anything (fine horoscope, perhaps you were right, I'm just
not overzealous on the outside just with myself) I will share things that I saw recently so that maybe you too can become as paranoid as I am (I love sharing).
Why Every Comedy on TV is Starting to Look Familiar
Why Modern Pop Culture Sucks
And because you never knew you needed this--Godzilla Haiku
Defend the ramparts, they can't get me, they CAN'T GET ME!!! Still feeling good though.
January 14, 2015
I've done it! I've reached the half way point, we are now over the 35,000 word limit and I don't think I'll go back below that even if I do delete more of it. Huzzah! It's so strange right now, I feel like I'm
more in control of things. This does not happen. It's kind of weirding me out. I best not get brash about it, I must balance. But I am in such a ridiculous mood, I still have my moments of relapse but I don't feel like I'm going down
the path of totalitarian Erin like the horoscope seemed to imply (oh, but the month is not over YET). I actually found something that may have helped as I was looking for this a few months ago as some sort
of tuning fork for my brain--Beta Waves. There are others (Alpha, Delta, Gamma...) but for some reason, I found the Beta waves seem to make me feel something (there's a weird sound void when I turn it off and take off the head phones)
this is what I had on when I got over the half way mark (and if it's merely a placebo effect, I will take it anyway). I tried the Alpha ones, and right now I just turned on Gamma Waves. If anything, I would like to take this
and download it, and have it playing as ambient noise while I sleep, just to see if it does anything.
I'm still contemplating the game and perceptions of the world. It's just that I seem to have noticed that lately, those my age seem to be taking what we have been taught as children from the boomers (pfffft... boomers) and turning it on its head.
Things like 'Have a purpose in life, be passionate about what you do' 'Fight for what you believe in/Stand up for yourself against bullies' and 'Do something, change the world.' We glorify rebels in stories mainly because
their reasons are pure and controlled by the author--the author makes sure the reasons never get sullied by the complications of life. It seems that that trope has become passť, but to tell you the truth without
such definitive things in stories then there would not be any interesting plots (satire is mocking things, but mocking things can be abusive and bullying (no one likes a bully)--discuss). So a part of me feels a bit of loss when I'm not feeling
Oh well, back to whatever it was that I was doing. Good night.
January 15 addendum: Research! I've been listening to these various types of waves while sitting at work all day today. I stuck with the basic (pure) waves instead of the ones that claim that
after listening to them I can shoot lasers out of my face. You listen to them, see what happens. We shall discuss later.
January 2, 2015
Revisiting the year 2014 via the astrological calendar part two.
Now that I think about it, it does seem rather flawed to assume that a prediction from the stars would be relegated to a span of a month. Like once the first hits then everything in your life is just supposed
to change. It seems like these predictions kind of played out over the year and blurred together.
July 2014: Really, you don't have a problem with feelings. It's when people get needy and wallow that you look for the nearest exit. Expect your tolerance in this department to be severely tested this month, symbolizing a need to look within.
I don't have problems with feelings and I usually put up with the neediness. I wallow!
July happenings: Work was still bugging me, and my adrenals were malfunctioning as a result. I pretended to be normal on the Fourth of July and went out with the crowds then paid for it in a crap food attack, tried
to prove my B12 deficiency by taking a normal doctor blood test (failed mainly because I was taking b12 supplements). Wrote emo kid haikus and got sick again. I tried to relax, and I at least completed a re-edit
of the last half of my book (the other strong part of this book). I still continued my relentless research on my own body. There was a lot of things I just wasn't having particularly towards the end of the month.
August 2014: It's a two-step month, that time of the year when your calendar is full with the others in your world. You are quite okay with that reality because there is a definite feeling of appreciation and gratitude circulating in your relationships.
It started out with more research on dopamine that I didn't understand and feeling displaced with the writing because it read like someone completely different than me wrote it. Then it wall went to crap.
It was right, it was about the outside world and I'm sure Bruce appreciates me
September 2014: A weird disinterest competes with an overactive imagination, leaving you irritated. Such a dichotomy is usually the normal state of affairs for you. It's how you are able to piece together a much bigger picture of reality. This month, it's just aggravating.
Multiple realities and aggravation seemed to be a big reoccurring theme last year.
Happenings: I was agitated, I questioned why I was writing, everything felt pointless and pedantic. I wrote Russian Literature because I couldn't find a way to be happy or to do normal everyday writing amongst characters.
I was fatigued depressed, and I emotionally blew up my own brain, leveling the landscape. I couldn't relate to my normal-ish characters at all because they weren't at any end of an extreme or a caricature. I pushed on.
October 2014: You think what you know is obvious because you can't see that everyone isn't tuned in to the world the way you are. Then presto, it vanishes, and you are so socially tuned in you wonder who you are. Be ready for the shift and go with it.
Well, I do often think that what I know is common knowledge and that everyone already knows what I know.
Happenings: NEW YORK with anxiety! I contemplated the happenings in the area, continued to not have it. Made it to spaziversary of a year without Sertraline. Took half a pill because I couldn't take being
angry and agitated anymore (no positive change resulted--just more problems, problems that I had to deal with). Then I flopped around in a yoga class while drugged out of my mind. Then during a good spell,
I tried to research some jerks for public office positions. My brain changed somehow and I didn't relate to what I used to be--that was disturbing.
November 2014: Your focus is absolutely locked in, so it is simply fruitless to try and shift your attention, your thought patterns, or your energy away from the need to manifest a major transformation. You're just annoyed
because you don't know exactly what kind of change is coming. Accept the uncertainty and go with it.
There's another reoccurrence: acceptance and just doing things.
Happenings: Got to another good streak, and created the outline for a bozo maze for Halloween. I contemplated why I wasn't having anything and seemed to come to the conclusion that it was a loss of faith, feeling
clueless as to how to get it back. Contemplated being an investor in an interesting proposition concerning Electric Parlor (they got on it after their kickstarter closed and got the album mastered, by the way)
The research, possibilities, and the distraction at least improved my mood as well as coming up with dumb things I could do as a potential producer if I decided to go balls to the wall with them (I didn't).
Went to the premiere of A Very Retarded Alien Christmas movie and got to see myself speak on the website like a real human. Went to Jury Duty. Then the area all went to crap again.
December 2014: You are definitely ready for some mindless social interaction and some awesome brain candy in any form. Just hold the stupidity and thoughtlessness, please. Oh, and the seriousness, too. Otherwise as strong case of bah humbug might just set in
This thing thinks I'm social.
I took a break, I had to be quiet. I wrapped up a few issues that I left hanging on this journal. I figured out my new mindset as a survivalist who wasn't having the anxiety even though it still happened. I limped my way towards the new year and was happy for the
time off. The End.
So I guess it wasn't all in my head, that I wasn't just thinking everything sucked because of depression. It started out good at the beginning of the year and then imploded. Good? Well, I'll see you later. Let's just go with that.
January 1, 2015
Good Evening 2015!
Book: I'm working out another section of this game that the characters are in. It's like I know where they are and the purpose of this game but I still am having a hard time imagining a complete world or a different world than the one we live in now.
I feel limited (magic, it's all magic!). I understand my needs of limits, I don't want to make it too farfetched. But then again, some of the things we have now seemed farfetched to people 30 years ago.
Truthfully, there is only so many ways you can take a building, for instance, architecturally speaking and I think any possible combination that structurally sound has been explored on this planet already.
Also, considering the games we have now, I want to kind of take it in another direction and I'm trying to make adversaries in this game different than the usual. That's actually really difficult but when
I write it like a normal game it just seems really stupid to me. I've never been a gamer, so this is rather foreign to me. I see something and have an idea but this is beyond the normal parameters of running
I'm going to take it easy on myself, I'm giving up the ghost on this being an option for a means of escape out of my current life (I'll get a finance guy and try not to be concerned about it but I still can't
give him all my money). Perhaps this will help my outlook and improve the function of my mind, particularly
since this probably is just very long anxiety attack and I don't want to numb my brain out of existence in order to deal with it. I'm doing well, aside from that, thanks. I bought a two hour massage/facial (deal things are awesome!) that forced me to chill out a week ago.
I can't exactly explain what might be happening to me, something may have clicked in my brain so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
Aside from that, my New Years was spent at the hip clubs WURC, and MutterKaŁch located in Soulard and downtown Belleville respectively. I used to feel bad about not wanting to or not being able to go out
on this holiday but I realized this year that these parties just aren't that interesting for teetotallers, in fact they're downright boring.
Anyway, I thought I would revisit the predictions of last year's Llewellyn's Astrological Calendar and see if it remotely matches up to entries or what I think happened to me because I can barely remember.
January: It may seem strange to say, but your brain and consciousness are having difficulty just keeping up with the shifts in your reality, much less absorbing or processing them. Don't bother chasing all
those wisps; what's supposed to stick with you, will stick. The rest is entertainment.
January 2014 was dominated by I guess my first few visits with Dinkelmann. I want to say it was earlier than that. I guess it was, because the spaziversary is in
October and I was able to get off happy pill during the government shutdown. But I was getting into researching the human body, particularly any part that could have been malfunctioning from the various
brain chemicals and their connection to my digestive system. I want to say my brain wasn't shorting out yet, it was kind of easy to get off the pill but I guess you could say that my reality was shifting.
February: It's your annual turn to shine. Thrown out all that self-effacing stuff and enjoy being you. This will lead to some powerful, creative insights and the energy to put them to use. That way the light shines inwardly as well.
Well, that's good advice even for now, even though I know humility is something that goes a long way. But you know me (you do!), arrogance is a pet peeve of mine so I wouldn't want to be that--I've noticed
that it has a tendency to backfire spectacularly on people when it finally catches up to them. So what was I doing? I turned 30, I got a head cold. I went to the DMV! I was still obsessed with my brain and making it work
or wondering if I was okay--so I guess I wasn't being that I was questioning it and slowly starting to freak out again (well, it's hard to tell, seriously). So I guess this month was wrong or maybe I should have listened better. Oh, I'm being
self-effacing again--I'M AWESOME! Woooooo!
March: This is a selfish month for you, in a good way. It's time to address the imbalance between valuing everyone else unconditionally and criticizing yourself conditionally. Strive to question others more and be kinder to yourself
It's not that I want to be overly critical, it's just that I don't want to look like a fool. It's nice to have some checks and balances in that area (I mean, are you sure, are you absolutely certain?). I have a long
history of being told I'm wrong, so I'd rather hear from myself than from others who may not understand my reasons for doing whatever. But valuing people, I put up with people and their flaws, possibly past
the event horizon of sanity but if I were to dump everyone that caused me any amount of stress I would be a complete hermit and unemployed instead of just aloof. So what was I doing? I was ripping apart the book.
I was back in the realm of the living, feeling everything, possibly all at once (again?!?!). I wanted to divide and conquer even though I may not have been 100% (I felt better than what I had been so it could have
been an easy mistake). A friend of Curmudgeon died on my old floor due to pancreatic cancer. I got into researching acupuncture because I didn't understand it's power over me and
I came to no real conclusion because it's kind of a mystery. I was having food problems, I wanted to lay off my liver (if your liver isn't happy, you aren't happy!) particularly with meat because I didn't
think it was up to the challenge of digesting something heavy like that. In fact I wanted to purge anything from my life that was a toxic stew of industrial chemicals for a more natural life (liver processes
all that crap out of your body and it can't if you're constantly sucker punching it with alcohol, sugar, or just plain overloading it). I was working on the outline of the book, or cleaning it up. See, if
I accepted it as awesome then I would have a lot of plot problems. I did think it was awesome and pretty strong for a plot while I was doped out of my mind so I was second guessing myself. Work was also
acting up (still, forever) with threats of more paperwork and probing. I contemplated my own likability or whether or not I could be a public figure if I were to make it as a successful writer (soooo no?).
I posted an entry about two episodes of Super Soul Sunday which I thought were interesting from Gary Zukov and Eckhart Tolle.
Overall, it always seems like I was just a mess and struggling to keep it together and keep on moving forward. I'm oddly resilient in that way or just in denial about my own attacks. It looks like it was
a slow thaw back into what I used to be off the pills and I guess I didn't want that and still don't.
April: The world needs you to lighten up this month. Yes, you understand the big picture of life, but sometimes people just want you to be there. It's your presence that's comforting--words can wait.
MAKE ME LIGHTEN UP! Also, I am comforting? What was up? I was pleased with myself for having a seemingly productive March in writing and outline clearing. I completed the outline, I met my deadline of getting
it done that month, I was stoked! But then work exiled me from the Curmudgeon realm and made me into a drifter (I STILL WANT MY FLOOR BACK!!!! IT'S UNACCEPTABLE and barely tolerated!). I realized I was probed
all over between work and google (though to tell you the truth, I find work less invasive). I went to the Retarded Alien movie premiere, I plotted out the inevitable Hallmark movie based on my life and time
spent with the curmudgeons. What happened to me? I was doing so well.
May: The mundane parts of life call to you and, to your surprise you listen. You start thinking about renovating or moving or clearing out the clutter or hosting family dinners or exploring your family genealogy.
Go with it! You need a little normalcy.
I'm always cleaning clutter and trying to finish projects. My house is kind of full of half finished things. Also, the answer to family genealogy, regardless if it's true or not, is horse thieves. Events:
I got done with editing my opening of the book--which I consider to be the strong point. I filmed the interview for A Very Retarded Alien Christmas movie where I tried to remember any Christmases and failed!
I cleared out my brain because I was started to get into the middle part of the book and was hitting snags (but this is what I consider the everyday and normal part of my book so maybe it was about that instead of my life).
I did not adjust to my new vagabond life at job 2 because I was out of shape because I kept my floor consistently clean and nobody else did so I was getting put through the ringer filling in on other floors. I decided
to deal with it as I thought it would go back to the way it should be by September because of a changeover that didn't happen. I remembered things from my past including all the films that were filmed here.
I learned about adrenal fatigue, one of the many problems I have. I lamented that my brain used to fart out awesome looking plot things that were pretty much impossible and that I couldn't take creative liberties with.
I got concerned about how violent crazy people are making the rest of us crazy people look bad. I still am. But what can you do?
June: Spring is in full swing and so is your need to create, but you are having difficulty sitting still or being still. Everything is in overdrive and you are helpless to slow it down. My advice is to enjoy
the ride--just don't expect anything to stick.
This calendar has been pretty grim. It doesn't pull any punches. Happenings: Big old depressive fit. Don't know why, everyday stressors it looks like but the natural Dinkelmann happy pills might have saved me and I was
able to get out of it.
I was still working out theories about the root of what was wrong with me health wise. More office death (former employee killed himself). Learned of a successful local writer, felt like a failure. Continued
to spaz out with adrenal glands, researched B vitamins and pernicious anemia.
So how is it that I am still able to put together a complete sentence after all that? I'll finish the rest of the year tomorrow. I'm tired. It's 1 AM. I need to sleep.
December 25, 2014
Tell me if this is starting to sound familiar, like I've said this before, it seems vaguely familiar. Now I think we've reached the root. I'm sure. I'm sure, I'm sure. Sure.... Let's just try to keep this in mind and remember it later on.
It's been hard writing lately even though I have managed to drag it out of myself, as of right now I have 79 words until I reach the halfway point of this book (that would be roughly 70,000 words total). During these past weeks
I noticed something was off in that writing that I would have to go back and correct. That I would just end up writing action sequences where no one would talk, where my lead would only live in her head
and it was to the point where her observations weren't very descriptive. I thought that was just my style or it had to be this way due to what I wanted to portray and how I wanted to portray it. I wanted to ignore this feeling of it being off because another birthday is coming up and I would
like to get it done so I can work on being rejected by publishers. I hated the fact that I did have time at job to work on this book yet nothing much was getting done and I was slipping back into not having the
focus to read anything.
I wondered where I have gone, because frankly I haven't felt like myself much to the point where I didn't recognize my own thought process.
But now here I am again, with time off (I should have taken more time, I am going to be losing all that I've built up soon but due to the interference that sometimes happens to this job, I've been having a hard time
wanting to let some of it go) and I've come to realize what exactly has been happening.
Presenting the all new 2015 model of anxiety! DEFENSIVE ANXIETY!
Younger Erin had her anxiety, it was the usual panic based, full of worry. I think I counteracted that with a lot of sugar so it wasn't that noticeable. But as I aged, particularly within the last five or ten years
I thought I had learned to deal with it or at least work around it. I learned to read people and situations, ultimately getting pretty good at predicting the probable outcomes. Then, of course, there was the
happy pill which let me see the worst and the chaos happen to me and not feel anything at all. As I aged, I realized it did
me no good to panic, particularly when the worst did happen and then kept happening many times over. And after I started to work on myself the hard way (diet, etc), I thought maybe I wasn't all that genetically
corrupted, that maybe this world and it's food practices turned me into this bundled of frayed nerves.
I was determined to move forward but the world decided to test my resolve in these last few months. Actually,
it's been happening all year, as Slate pointed out. It's just kind of strange that this is happening all of a sudden. That everyone online realizes they have a voice and that everything they say is relevant for some strange reason.
This seems to be a very teenage activity but I know it's not all teenagers doing it. I remember when the internet was quieter. I wonder what happened to that (Do not give me that look, as a writer, I am permitted to do things like this).
I had found survivalist Erin, the old soldier (suck it up, jerk). In this mode I had quite enough of breaking and I wasn't going to let it happen anymore. Technically speaking, due to all my changes, I figured it shouldn't
happen at all, I was/am healing. I had been through this too many times before anyway, what was left to contemplate?
The thing of it is, I haven't learned to deal with it at all, I just learned to compartmentalize it and put it in the queue of things to deal with when I have the time
and I don't have the time. I had jobs to do--two that pay, one that
doesn't but is vital, and a house and a fragile body to maintain. Places to be, appointments to be made, things to get into.
Essentially, I think my brain still remembers how to numb itself from anxiety from the happy pill days. But instead of dissipating into an oblivion, it took refuge in my shoulders, so instead of feeling
panic, I felt pain. I also saw age in my face, in the lines around my mouth that signified that my adrenal glands were not having it. Then fatigue would set in occasionally, along with the lack of focus, and I would forget things.
But I have realized something about my defensiveness. It all comes down to fear and I'm constantly afraid of not being able to trust anyone to have my back when I need them the most (An opinion out there
may be that God always has my back but being that I am down here amongst meatsacks, I kind of feel that I have to or should be able to depend on my fellow meatsacks as well. Is it not apart of the biological
function of humans to be social and to rely on each other for survival? Oddly enough, I am not impervious to this fact no matter how many times either I or other people deny it.). I'm not really sure
where this came from or where it all began. Ultimately, I'm not creating or doing anything out of passion but out of this fear even though I have had calm moments of
inspiration. Anything I do is in hopes to give me leverage against the world and as of late, I was done trying to get leverage to be a viable part of the world but to have the leverage to tune out the world.
That in turn affected my world, because it functions similarly to my physical plane, and I was done dealing with other people's problems when I had my own that no one had even tried to help me with effectively.
So now I will rest for a bit, have a bit of a reset. I still want to write, I still want to create. I don't know what else I should do with my life aside from it (there's a part of me that is insisting that being
myself is a viable career move--but that's only half true for reality stars), I don't know what I would do with all that free time.
So I will be catching you later, next year. Good night.
12/27 addendum: Ever since I think my teenage years, I've gotten the Llewellyn's Astrological Calendar every year. The first
few months of 2015 seem rather telling:
January: Your favorite things about yourself--objectivity, tolerance, and detachment--seem to be lost as you decide it's high time that you take charge of everything and everyone. Adjust your attitude while you still like what you see in the mirror.
February: Your mental energy is pushing itself into the red zone, and you just want to scream. Normally you're in heaven bouncing around in your head, but right now you feel the urge to focus and create something tangible
March: You like change, but only if you thought of it. Well, how's that working out for you lately? You're about to find out, as something truly unexpected leaves you gasping for breath. You discover a deeper, inner fortitude
April: Too many people are talking and you can't hear yourself think, which means your creative mind is going in circles and nothing is finding its way to the surface. Before the crushing boredom and crankiness set in, take a break from people
May: Your amplifiers are turned up as high as they can go, and you are on a roll. Things are coming together on every level, and you simply won't tolerate any interference. Just remember: you need to eat and sleep.
On top of that they say Mercury is in retrograde during this time for me as an Aquarius (you sure it hasn't been longer?) which I believe (I'm not completely into astrology so I couldn't tell you the technicalities of all this, back in the day
it was one of my life lines in trying to make sense of the world) is connected to communication. So basically, this could be a reason why I'm having a hard time writing (I'll take it) and that I'm going to get
pummeled right out of the gate but it might be okay by June, though July and August may not be so great. Good? Yay....