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Habari gani? (What's the news?)

February 16, 2015, 9:48 PM
I was scrolling through the past and left off yet another entry from the archive where I delve more into my fractured memory of my youth. I'm doing the same thing I do here, I wing an entry and then I remember all this other stuff later (come on, brain!). I was also going through 2009 looking for any type of plot point that I may had inadvertently left here as I saw two bits of my story out in the real world lately (2009 was when I started to put together a giant outline of my book). I'm only going to change one of them. I didn't find any mentions so maybe it was just an unfortunate coincidence (I hate it when this happens, I work so hard and then it comes out before I have a chance to put it out there!).

But I did find this!!! and today I found it's sequel.

Finally I found this masterpiece: It's over now. Everything anyone has ever hoped to create pales in comparison to this genius. I should give up, shut it all down. We're done here! Also, this guy has too much time on his hands.

Brain, let's go. Please adjust, I might have to think through a thing that I have thought through with you many other times before, but we really can't spend much time on this as we have things to do. Okay? Okay. Good night

February 14, 2015, 4:08PM
I had an idea of stuff to put on here, but I don't think it will work. I was going to build an archive page, this archive page would have 16 pictures of me (because I tend to think of the past Erins as 16 different people) from each year that I've had this site, which would take you to the respective page for each year, where I might post some, if not all the entries and maybe a bit of a profile of that respective Erin. I even started with the Beta Archive 2012. However, despite deleting a whole bunch of pictures and javascript (which now that I think about it, possibly was working, it's just that my computer was having a fit with adobe), and the site telling me I'm using 1 meg out of 50 I still may not have enough room. There's also the fact that to build it took a lot of effort and it still isn't quite right (I have to go write a books to justify this nonsense, you guys come here I should at least have something to show for it! I realize after reading my archive that I am no farther on than 3 years ago, sure I was doped out of my mind back then but that's not a real good excuse). I also had to go find and hook up all the links that I kind of kept but some of them were deleted off the internet.

I was trying to upload 3 pictures because I was having a hard time deciding which one represented me the best at 28. It was a big year, particularly for taking good pictures.

I tried to shrink them some more, deleted more stuff, but it wouldn't get the third one of a picture I took of my shadow in Arizona which I also couldn't find on the myface page (why do you upset me, myface? I wanted order, not chaos. I have plenty of chaos.). Backstory: The one in the black, I was pretending to be an emo kid--it was Emo Kid Friday. The purple one is a dress I got in Hawaii, I was showing off.

As for the entry--that was me putting myself through a teambuilding exercise, I thought about leaving it up here as some sort of explanation but then I figured it would become dated quickly and I wouldn't update it as much as I could. I took it down because I was going to update it two years from now. That's another thing I could do, some sort of explanation ("What is this?" "I'm Erin, what are you?" "Why is this here?" "Why are you here?" So on and so forth.)


In other news, I think my brain is getting back into old habits which may be problematic with trying to pretend to function as a normal person with jobs. I'm getting tired during the day and then I end up wanting to stay up way past what I should on week nights. Fatigue is not my friend, it triggers attacks, so I can't be having an anxiety attack (which still involves anger--that may be a symptom of getting off the Sertraline, personally I think it's just five years of anger and fear that just got stored in my brain) at work either. But I've been having dreams again (There was an impossibly large vulture that was stuck in a screen window so I helped it out), so I'm not sure if that's just apart of the territory and regardless what anyone else thinks, that there probably isn't anything I can do about it. It's a catch-22. The sertraline kept me on a consistent schedule but at the same time I didn't feel (but I was sure pleasant to be around), dream, remember things, and I somehow wrote half of a a book without any drama. Now I'm sort of getting back to my old self, freaking out about things (sometimes nothing as far as I could tell, that's fun), and not being able to focus on writing. I should go find a nice rock I can crawl under and live the rest of my days there.

This is a lightning bolt of a song. You go Florence.

February 12, 2015, 9:46 PM CST
My new favorite song. This guy is awesome.. I don't know why I didn't think there were many words that rhyme with my name. And that despair kind of does.
Since I'm here, here's a janitor joke: So I'm collecting the garbage and I have to double back on this one row, so I do one side first then the other. I briefly forget I do this and almost look like I'm going to start on both sides at the same time but then resume the normal route. The guy at this desk politely inquires "Aren't you going to get that?" and I rib him with "No, I like it just the way it is. It's art." (Yes, I actually explained what I end up doing).

Yes, I'm gone! Good night!

Saturday, February 7, 2015 9:49 PM CST
I am breaking things. I broke the opening page, I was able to save the gifs to Jpegs on Greg's half, I then deleted a lot of things. I might have broken it good. I want it where all my stuff or at least my second index comes up first. I would like to delete the file labeled FoxZelda and it just be one site. I tried moving this file and I couldn't really without breaking links or disrupting background images. I can't even organize my background images in a separate file. HTML code is weird. I don't like how it organizes things! Hang on...

10:26 PM: Okay, I am really confused now. When you type Opera brings up the busted Wanna Be a SpaceCases index of Greg's site (not even the main one), Firefox brings up the original index that had both our sites on it (that I may have deleted), AOL brings up my index without the background and without the new updates. What did I do, what has gone on? I should just step away for tonight and see what happened tomorrow. I think that might be best (the help is only here Mon-Fri and they might not help me because I don't pay for anything...). Now I've done it.

10:41 PM: Fine! It just might be straightening itself out--I think my index has taken over as the main index and now there's two separate ones, one under the main thing and one under the FoxZelda file. ....HTML code... Let me check to see if the links are okay.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015. 8:55 PM CST
I forgot something equally important. The Birthday Horoscopes for the year! Let's check last year's:
Post: Your birthday today: This year you have the opportunity to clear up a problem that affects your community and your professional image [Professional image? You are a laugh riot]. You will feel like a different person. Your efforts seem to draw excellent results at work. If you are single, you could be overwhelmed by your many choices of suitors. More than one person seems suitable, but only you can decide what kind of relationship you want. If you are attached, the two of you act like newlyweds from mid-July on. Consider going on a special vacation that you often have discussed. ARIES can be testy and irritable.

From the BND: Do something creative during the months ahead. Monotony is the enemy. Strike back by engaging in hobbies and picking up skills that interest you. Strive to be competitive in whatever you pursue.

Well, look at that. Feel like a different person, they weren't kidding. And I did try to clean up a professional image, I'm not sure if it worked (probably not). Results? I GET THEM. Hmmmm at work though, it's only recently that I've felt like I was doing something instead of following (but on a technicality, I do this because I can't do much because of my job category and the fact that I am a contractor. I'm low man on the totem pole). Many choices of suitor--they all came out of the woodwork and I was kind of mad at them (I always ask where they were six years ago when I was doped out of my mind? Although I did send one guy packing while drugged because I thought I was doing him a favor as he didn't know what lurked beneath the fog and it affected all feeling. Sorry, it was for your own good). I didn't go or discuss any special vacations. I don't think I know any Aries. The BND one was essentially useless.

Post: Happy Birthday Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2015: This year you evolve to a new level of understanding with others. You often feel as if you stumble into one obstacle after another, but you will have the resources to pull yourself out of any potential quicksand. If you are single, you attract an unusual amount of friends. You will discover that at least one of them has the potential to become more. If you are attached, the two of you open up to many different ideas. You could quarrel more than usual if you are not careful. Honor your differences. LEO always has good ideas that are different from yours.

BND: Sharing your creative and novel ideas will help you attract the kind of people who are looking for innovative investments. Don't be shy, promote your skills and pursuits in a confident manner.

I evolve with new understanding or they evolve to understand me? I find that hard to believe. Obstacles you say? How do I respond to that? Preemptive Strike? You know that doesn't do anyone any good. I'll be dealing with it when I get there. Friends? I don't think I know any Leos anymore. I do feel more confident, like I said earlier, I feel like I'm in control of things instead of feeling like I'm being pulled around by my foot like I usual.

I also forgot that Bruce sang the first part of this to me this morning. He's so sweet.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015. 12:09 PM CST
It's nine minutes past the hour and we are now into the 31st year. Huzzah! This year's birthday was not spent in the thrilling venues of Walmart or the DMV but first at the new organic grocery store buying goat milk and kombucha! Then I had breakfast with Bruce where we got into discussions on morality (this is why I like him so much, I can talk to him about anything and say anything to him, he does the same). I often think we should record these discussions and put them on the internet but technically speaking, I shouldn't (aside from the fact that I would have to sign up to the Great and Powerful Google to get a youtube account). Because of the job, I shouldn't really put myself out there, it is frowned upon (that's another rule, do not discuss the job in detail). But today's topic was a rumination over the reputation that I have gotten of being shady. Let's see if I can explain this without ending up being creepy (MREWHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA) there's actually a lot of veins that connect to societal woes that certain groups go through with this and that people are fighting to end (it's just that I don't have a group so it's easy to label as just plain wrong). One of the big issues that people have with me is why I hang out with Bruce a lot, they think it's weird (Why don't you hang out with guys your own age?), and frankly I guess I can see it, he's an odd duck and could drop dead at any second (even though he's middle aged and not like 90) and I am just as much of an odd duck but I have a pretty girl body covering it (for now?). So I guess, people must think I'm normal (whatever that is?)? So I often do what people have parroted for ages "Do what makes you happy/don't let anyone tell you what to think, etc, etc blah blah blah" But oddly enough when I do things like this, people don't like it (I know, I rebel when people say they want revolutions, I rise up as a depressed-anxious/blue collar worker when they say they want the oppressed to rise up and it's like they hate it, I just don't get it and then they get all indignant when I point it out). I know many people won't get him so I get protective of him and try not to be overt just to keep the peace. So does that make me shady or does that make me a product of society?

People always say that we're American and we're supposed to do what we want (F-yeah MURICA!) but there always is a line to be drawn. But then again, nobody knows where that line is. Because like what I think when I'm with Bruce, I think that it isn't as bad as say being a complete whore about everything (with everyone! But that's being too judgmental, you should be allowed to make mistakes, big ones like medically. Seriously, I don't care but I will not be participating, even if according to the old adage that this is the only way crazy people like myself would get any sort of human contact, you don't know who are the typhoid Marys are, they all look so normal and it is socially unacceptable for me to hose people down with Lysol). So it was ultimately like we were coming to the conclusion that most laws and rules are exceptionally vague and very fragile. People talk all the time about changing laws with the times but that means, that it must not have had any sort of gravitas in the first place if it can be changed so easily and if that's the case then why are other rules exempt? Particularly if people just can't admit they're wrong? But like I said many, many, many, many, many, many times before--most things are complicated, a wide variety of shades of gray, we often do ourselves a disservice if we see things in polarities (except when I get tired of doing it when few others do it and I just stop caring particularly when no one cares about what I go through) or that it's only acceptable if we do the action. But I digress, like religion, laws, rules, and anything else that can get corrupted by the power it wields, we still do need them. Because no one wants to find out what happens if all rules are inapplicable because some have changed with the times. I know, but that's an extremist view, it's only some inconsequential ones and we did it before and no one died, etc, etc. We're not going to go all Bear Apocalypse! But the thing is anything is possible, particularly in the sense we have proved through history that we are all capable of anything (you know, a lot of people don't like that thought). But I suppose when you get down to it, the main problem is that we all may not know the reasonings behind rules and like most things they are generalized. We all love our generalizations, it's simpler that way.

Well, that was uplifting. Have a nice day! The other big news is that I overturned the internet to find some free html code to spruce up the place (oh look at this, I've updated something for the first time in 16 years. I can be fancy. It's so snazzy!). It was kind of hard, being that everyone wants money nowadays (whiners). And Myface wasn't all being a jerk, so I am sorry, Myface. You have a right to try to change yourself for the better, it's just that often times, you're always looking down on me and judging me for not being interesting enough by uploading things for you to look at. It's just that their operating instructions are as clear as mud and I didn't have the right address. It's also kind of hard to get to the pictures from the outside (and inside). You have to go to Uploads and then to Photos. But you know, it works so I guess I'll leave it (sooo flashy). It really isn't kosher to put your face on your webpage anyway unless you are something. That leaves vulnerabilities, it was particularly that way when I was younger (you don't need to know my face, I could be anywhere, I could be nowhere, it's irrelevant).

Other than that, I have my way to the next part of this game now. I just have to commit it to the file. I'm eagerly awaiting the next move of Electric Parlor (look at their website, sooo fancy), they should be fulfilling their pledges soon. And even though we shouldn't be talking about it (Hi guys!), it's gonna be time to get on the dancing shoes at work because HERE COMES THE RUNAROUND! Last week, I helped the other janitors track down and submit resumes to the right contractor in a possible upcoming changeover for no other reason than I like suffering. In fact, both jobs are set to potentially changeover on the same day so there is a distinct possibility that I will end up with no jobs. Oddly enough, I am not worried. What is wrong with me? Have I freaked out and cared so much that I burned out? I'm still kind of all over the place but generally on an upswing or possibly apathetical (You just enjoy your life, you deserve to be happy at all cost! Self reflection is for losers, there is no viable reason that points to negativity being anything other than just life taking a dump on you! I've got the happy umbrella to deal with that!).

Well, something did happen lately. I think I was able to pull a depression off my back. I like to think that depression is like someone or something jamming a knife that has a ball and chain connected to it in your back. You can't pull it out yourself because you can't reach it, so you either cope by dragging it around or you just stop and lay there weighted down. People may help you, and might try to pull it out but they can get stuck in there (or if it can get pulled out you just might bleed to death) or a good therapist might be able to cut the chain but it can grow back if the right circumstances are met (similarly they can fade and reappear with similar circumstances). Any sort of mood enhancers legal or illegal don't really get rid of them either. They just turn them into balloons for a good couple hours. I only think it can be solved by either trying to fix the situation or trying to get the person who did it to you to deal with it. But if you're already wore out from dragging all the depression around then you're not going to be strong enough to deal with it either (and if that's the case, lay low until you are). So I guess I was finally strong enough to do something. It also just might have cost me about as much as a good therapy session so... Whatever works?

Perhaps I should stop counting the days when I'm feeling good or thinking that I might be healing (they say I have it for life, and brains are incredibly hard to cure due to the fact that everyone is different but I am studying it in order to find an individualized treatment, so I must be doing something). Perhaps I should measure it in percentages, like today I'm 85%-15% in positivity's favor? I'm neither nor, but existing on a temporal wavelength beyond the human concept of feeling (if I tell myself that enough, it might be true)? Balderdash.

As for waves (see January 14). I tend to think that they did something but being that I sometimes don't trust my own perception (it's doing it because I want it do something!) I tried to get Bruce to listen to it because we think similarly so he would be a good test subject. But then he did it wrong by not using headphones and playing them all at once. He did it at his apartment possibly with it turned way up, no now his neighbors probably think he's doing something weird (er than usual?).

But my conclusions were that when I first listened to them, they were all rather powerful in that I felt it in my sinuses except for the Alpha waves which I felt that it did little if anything. Delta just kind of pushed on my head, Theta I found overwhelming but it wasn't unpleasant and after a while it made me sleepy, Mu was pleasant (I like Mu), Beta just felt heavy and Gamma was strong. That really doesn't mean anything but Wikipedia has something to say on the subjects of Electroencephalography and Binaural beats in that they exist. There's a chart there that says like Gamma waves are associated with Higher mental activity, including perception, problem solving, fear, and consciousness--so does this mean that my brain is full of Gamma waves since I was full of fear as an anxious person? Or does it make me feel normal because it's pumping it back into my brain therefore making me think I'm back to being what I am used to? I'm not sure, but I think I'll keep it, particularly since the Theta wave kind of put me out. What could it hurt?

Alright then, I guess it's back to universe, and going out with the family for dinner. And we'll keep rolling on and do this thing all over again. And I will continue to try and format this thing a bit better, I have manipulated it from the original code so it will take some tinkering to get it right. So fancy.

February 3, 2015
It's learning, it's learning. Nooooooooooooooooooo
My face, did you just delete my page? Did you just do that? Seriously? Fine, whatever, I, like, totally put up your "reinventions" and all that time you spent "finding yourself" even though it made my life like more complicated because I had to learn all these new rules just to communicate with you or something. People were all like 'Why are you still with that platform?' to me and I was like 'No, it's fine, we have an understanding.' Or so I thought.

I have 49 megs of space now, I don't need you!!!!
12:23 AM CST

January 27, 2015
I imagine after the Bear Apocalypse (where either the stock market and currency tanks like the curmudgeons think or Bears become cognizant and build laser cannons to put on their heads and take over the world) my external hard drive will be the only thing left of society. The left over humans will find this and somehow make it transmit the contents with what little energy source they have. This will become their sacred text on how to live their lives!!!! Behold the wisdom revelation!

May 19, 2000
Not much is going on okay good. For some reason it’s very cold for this time of year dinner calls to me bye!

That, right there is profound. You're welcome (and yes, that is 86 characters).
But that's alright, 16 year old Erin, I still like you, I still got your back. You had a lot going for you, you just couldn't get to it and there was a lot going on that you couldn't deal with. It's actually kind of interesting to see how far I've come, but you do realize I can't do anything with pages of stuff like that (the next entry was longer where I lamented that the cartoon shows don't teach useless information anymore). Some of it has dated references, which I try to avoid now (general rules: no celebrity discussions, nothing about current events, don't discuss the family much, discuss ideas--try to see all sides). I'm not sure if I can put the best ones out here, they might not make any sense without some of the spaz ones around it but I guess I might have to look into that one day. But I still want to keep these entries around even if they are kind of pointless, it's a good illustration of what I used to be and I might need that reminder sometimes. For the record, I want to say I started to resemble this Erin you see now in 2009.

Okay, it's a work night, gotta go. Food prep, bathing (ugh you people and bathing! The things I go through just to appease yooooou--I could be kidding on that), sleeping (again, didn't I just do that?) I know, we still have to discuss the waves. And I figured that what I plan to do is kind of obvious but I have no other solutions as of now. So, I bid you good night.
10:19 PM CST

January 25, 2015
Fine, I cleaned up the place some and almost broke things. I deleted some script that housed a defunct webpage counter. I deleted all my original characters because the gif (gif, I remember you) links weren't working on the page (there are at least a few other characters that I can't get to show up or save in my hard drive so I can clean them off because I don't like deleting things I don't have a copy of. I deleted a java script wormhole that broke somehow--didn't show up when I tried accessing the site. I corrected all the spelling and grammar errors Greg had on his half and reconnected some links to basically empty pages because of the gifs. I reread his half. He had ideas and plans--he wanted to make some sort of online space invaders game. He was the brains of this operation, I was just the face, he set this up and got me into it. I think we only started this because there wasn't any blog sites of any sort, just these rinky-dink fan page platforms from like geocities or angelfire (RIP). Back in my day you had to start a website and had to learn something in order to act like you're relevant online! Get off my lawn! I haven't heard from him in at least five years. He majored in Spanish and Russian and the last I heard he was working for a government contractor somewhere on the east coast that had him traveling to Russia quite a bit (needless to say I was a bit concerned at the time).

So now I have some more space freed up. I could expand on this page more. I could even put in an archive, though I'm not sure why. This is why I delete entries here after a few months because of space constraints. I still have most entries on the hard drive except for a few in late 2002 because the computer ate them and I could only recover a few. Teenage Erin wasn't completely daft, she thought a lot but was rather spastic, bent on success in that it was coming any day now (some things never change!). Although my earliest entries are not available for online consumption right now because I stupidly printed a hard copy only and stuck them in a binder. Occasionally I retype them back into the computer. In fact, I'm not sure if they should, I am looking at them and a good lot of them are updated every two days and only a few sentences long mainly with a lot of action descriptions and screaming. What was I on (okay I can answer that sugar, chocolate, crap food)? How did I manage to get through life? How did I manage to hide this insanity from everyone if all of this was spinning around in my head? Maybe I should set up a twitter account for this Erin, she seems like the perfect user. I almost want to see if she would get a lot of followers.

I could even embed youtube videos, I guess (I shouldn't get ahead of myself--baby steps, please).

I'm just still not over the fact that people read this page, mostly I operate under the mindset that I'm talking to myself (How are you, self? Very good, thanks, self!). Then why do this? You ask too many questions. Something to do, something to be accounted for? To exist? To keep a record of the discord in my mind when it affects my ability to put together a sentence that makes sense and share it with the world (it's no fun to keep it to myself!)? Because I started it and out of force of habit, I keep it going? Because I don't trust the facebook or even myface (I tolerate you, myface) with my words and I also find those platforms confusing--they have so many terms and agreements that change often for nefarious reasons.

It's just that I thought I was in my own little secret corner of the internet that maybe a few people knew but they didn't go about spreading it (it's probably better this way, congratulations, you are exclusive) I thought I was kicked out of search engine proper at least 10 years ago, because I would search myself and this wouldn't come up. Not spacecases, not foxzelda (the email used to bring it right up, not so much anymore--just Nintendo stuff), not wannabaspacecase. Nothing. Any type of webrings that exited back then are now defunct as well, so there is no path to this website unless someone specifically told you to come here or you've been with me all this time (I'm your favorite train wreck you just can't stop looking at). And that number indicates that despite all this, people have still found me and stick around (like all 100 of you who look at this site 3,910 times a month!).

But I am happy that you are here.

Okay, alright, I do need to leave, seriously (I need to write this stupid part already!). I used to end entries because dinner was ready back in the day. So I must leave, dinner is ready.


January 23, 2015
This website, trafficestimate.comsays I have an estimated 319,000 views in the last 30 days.


Hi? Although I couldn't specifically measure this page just the opener ( and I can't imagine people are looking at Greg's half of the site since now I just looked at it and it's not there or the link is broken (7.50 megs is the original name of this host site--Greg found it). Perhaps I should fix it? Or take over the whole thing? Well it's just someone liked it and they worked on it so that's why I kept it up. I was also afraid of deleting the wrong things to the point that it would end up so screwed up that I wouldn't be able to fix it. After 16 years of owing this thing, I still don't know html code very well, just enough to do damage here and I don't know what to search for to jazz up the place and half the time I don't care or I'm busy. I'm cheap because I'm not going to pay anyone to design anything particularly since I don't bring in anything to justify paying for this site either. For the record I took half of a semester of web design offered by one of the physics teacher in 2002--my senior year of high school. Most of what I learned then is obsolete.

And yes, to get analytics on this site, I would have to pay for it or sign up to the great and powerful google, neither of which I will do. I found this site while trying to research the extent of these analytic marketing tools (I can never get a clear answer as to how intrusive it is, this is concerning mainly because it makes assumptions about me. I have a lot of it blocked with various and sundry blockers but I'm sure it still gets through and tracks me because this method is too easy. I probably don't even realize or see the half of what it's doing to me). So welcome all 10 of you who look at this approximately 31,900 times a month. I had my suspicions that you were out there because I would see things that I just mentioned here and after a while it just seemed too obscure to be a coincidence. I'm just stunned that I'm actually being listened to consistently. I'm actually more surprised you sit and read through my mental breaks when I'm sure if I ran my mouth every time my brain broke amongst the physical meatsacks, many would make a run for it or call someone on me. It has happened.

Anyway, I'm still contemplating this part. Who knew it was so hard to write a section without a discernible plot. I also planned to sneak in something that alludes to another part of the plot but now I'm wondering if it's too blatant. I have all these ideas and no real way to execute them, you don't understand! And just how is a man who works alone supposed to escape out of somewhere after completing a mission? You need something that is ready for a quick getaway and you're not going to leave a space car idling somewhere. Dur.


I want to keep moving faster but I guess I have to stop and plan this, particularly if I would like it suck less. My brain has shown signs of returning to it's original self. I had some dreams recently which has been a rare event as of late, but they were so mundane that I almost didn't realize I had been dreaming before it woke me up.

Speaking of which, I should go practice. Good night.

January 19, 2015
Building off old ideas

Now I know what the issue is here aside from being too vague. I'm working off preconceived notions, though a part of me wants to keep doing it for reasons. There are two influences that my brain keeps belching up at me in bits and pieces and now I finally remembered it. The Sing video from MCR and this scene from Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (a movie I didn't even see--oddly enough none of the Mission Impossibles appeal to me). Basically, I have now realized that in the only reason why they need to get into this place is to retrieve something but I don't know what that is (doesn't matter what it is, all that matters is that there are explosions and flashing lights!!! wooooooooooo!). Do you want to know something else? Of course you do. Most somethings nowadays are in computers. Why would you have to go into a place to steal something when you could just use hacking means? UUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH that's just some guy sitting on his butt pushing buttons that's sooooooo booooring. SNORE. No, I'm not going to write in a person rescue, then it would be exactly like the MCR video and I don't want to do that even though I said before here, I wouldn't have any character march in the front door either (but it looks cool when they do that...whiiiiine I want it to look cool.).

I know how this part ends, I just have to get there.

Thoughts? Anyone? Self?

January 17, 2015
Up the ante. Take it somewhere we haven't been before. I create complicated monsters. I create complicated monsters because many things have been done before and usually the first thing I think of is the same thing that everyone else has thought up before me as it is the easiest or the most simple. Then I go off the deep end because I don't want flaws and it only takes a few more years of thinking to work it out (was that so hard? I didn't think so). I'm on to you, internet. Shall I explain? Can I explain while being vague about this? Okay, they're breaking into something and it's at night. But, now that I think about it, that's wrong. They're the only ones there so that would draw attention to them (remember even in this day and age with surveillance it's hard to be covert). I've also considered a less traditional means of entering maybe without doors. I set the rules and I have to break the rules but I'm too good at setting the rules up. How did I even get this way? It can't be just my anxiety on overdrive (but then again, even without my job interfering many things in this world have changed perspectives about what people are capable of doing and it only takes one vulnerability to make it possible).

A part of me thinks that a lot of my ideas and plot lines were cutting edge or any good 10 years ago.

While I go off and continue to resume my role as referee in the fight between the polar opposites of my fractured brain, or plead with myself to let this defensive analytical domineering side stand down for a brief minute when I'm trying to create anything (fine horoscope, perhaps you were right, I'm just not overzealous on the outside just with myself) I will share things that I saw recently so that maybe you too can become as paranoid as I am (I love sharing).

Why Every Comedy on TV is Starting to Look Familiar
Why Modern Pop Culture Sucks
And because you never knew you needed this--Godzilla Haiku

Defend the ramparts, they can't get me, they CAN'T GET ME!!! Still feeling good though.

January 14, 2015
I've done it! I've reached the half way point, we are now over the 35,000 word limit and I don't think I'll go back below that even if I do delete more of it. Huzzah! It's so strange right now, I feel like I'm more in control of things. This does not happen. It's kind of weirding me out. I best not get brash about it, I must balance. But I am in such a ridiculous mood, I still have my moments of relapse but I don't feel like I'm going down the path of totalitarian Erin like the horoscope seemed to imply (oh, but the month is not over YET). I actually found something that may have helped as I was looking for this a few months ago as some sort of tuning fork for my brain--Beta Waves. There are others (Alpha, Delta, Gamma...) but for some reason, I found the Beta waves seem to make me feel something (there's a weird sound void when I turn it off and take off the head phones) In fact this is what I had on when I got over the half way mark (and if it's merely a placebo effect, I will take it anyway). I tried the Alpha ones, and right now I just turned on Gamma Waves. If anything, I would like to take this and download it, and have it playing as ambient noise while I sleep, just to see if it does anything.

I'm still contemplating the game and perceptions of the world. It's just that I seem to have noticed that lately, those my age seem to be taking what we have been taught as children from the boomers (pfffft... boomers) and turning it on its head. Things like 'Have a purpose in life, be passionate about what you do' 'Fight for what you believe in/Stand up for yourself against bullies' and 'Do something, change the world.' We glorify rebels in stories mainly because their reasons are pure and controlled by the author--the author makes sure the reasons never get sullied by the complications of life. It seems that that trope has become passé, but to tell you the truth without such definitive things in stories then there would not be any interesting plots (satire is mocking things, but mocking things can be abusive and bullying (no one likes a bully)--discuss). So a part of me feels a bit of loss when I'm not feeling absolutely giddy.

Oh well, back to whatever it was that I was doing. Good night.

January 15 addendum: Research! I've been listening to these various types of waves while sitting at work all day today. I stuck with the basic (pure) waves instead of the ones that claim that after listening to them I can shoot lasers out of my face. You listen to them, see what happens. We shall discuss later.

Delta Waves
Theta Waves
Alpha Waves
Mu Waves
Beta Waves
Gamma Waves

January 2, 2015
Revisiting the year 2014 via the astrological calendar part two.

Now that I think about it, it does seem rather flawed to assume that a prediction from the stars would be relegated to a span of a month. Like once the first hits then everything in your life is just supposed to change. It seems like these predictions kind of played out over the year and blurred together.

July 2014: Really, you don't have a problem with feelings. It's when people get needy and wallow that you look for the nearest exit. Expect your tolerance in this department to be severely tested this month, symbolizing a need to look within.
I don't have problems with feelings and I usually put up with the neediness. I wallow!
July happenings: Work was still bugging me, and my adrenals were malfunctioning as a result. I pretended to be normal on the Fourth of July and went out with the crowds then paid for it in a crap food attack, tried to prove my B12 deficiency by taking a normal doctor blood test (failed mainly because I was taking b12 supplements). Wrote emo kid haikus and got sick again. I tried to relax, and I at least completed a re-edit of the last half of my book (the other strong part of this book). I still continued my relentless research on my own body. There was a lot of things I just wasn't having particularly towards the end of the month.

August 2014: It's a two-step month, that time of the year when your calendar is full with the others in your world. You are quite okay with that reality because there is a definite feeling of appreciation and gratitude circulating in your relationships.
Happenings: .......
It started out with more research on dopamine that I didn't understand and feeling displaced with the writing because it read like someone completely different than me wrote it. Then it wall went to crap. It was right, it was about the outside world and I'm sure Bruce appreciates me

September 2014: A weird disinterest competes with an overactive imagination, leaving you irritated. Such a dichotomy is usually the normal state of affairs for you. It's how you are able to piece together a much bigger picture of reality. This month, it's just aggravating.

Multiple realities and aggravation seemed to be a big reoccurring theme last year.
Happenings: I was agitated, I questioned why I was writing, everything felt pointless and pedantic. I wrote Russian Literature because I couldn't find a way to be happy or to do normal everyday writing amongst characters. I was fatigued depressed, and I emotionally blew up my own brain, leveling the landscape. I couldn't relate to my normal-ish characters at all because they weren't at any end of an extreme or a caricature. I pushed on.

October 2014: You think what you know is obvious because you can't see that everyone isn't tuned in to the world the way you are. Then presto, it vanishes, and you are so socially tuned in you wonder who you are. Be ready for the shift and go with it.
Well, I do often think that what I know is common knowledge and that everyone already knows what I know.
Happenings: NEW YORK with anxiety! I contemplated the happenings in the area, continued to not have it. Made it to spaziversary of a year without Sertraline. Took half a pill because I couldn't take being angry and agitated anymore (no positive change resulted--just more problems, problems that I had to deal with). Then I flopped around in a yoga class while drugged out of my mind. Then during a good spell, I tried to research some jerks for public office positions. My brain changed somehow and I didn't relate to what I used to be--that was disturbing.

November 2014: Your focus is absolutely locked in, so it is simply fruitless to try and shift your attention, your thought patterns, or your energy away from the need to manifest a major transformation. You're just annoyed because you don't know exactly what kind of change is coming. Accept the uncertainty and go with it.
There's another reoccurrence: acceptance and just doing things.
Happenings: Got to another good streak, and created the outline for a bozo maze for Halloween. I contemplated why I wasn't having anything and seemed to come to the conclusion that it was a loss of faith, feeling clueless as to how to get it back. Contemplated being an investor in an interesting proposition concerning Electric Parlor (they got on it after their kickstarter closed and got the album mastered, by the way) The research, possibilities, and the distraction at least improved my mood as well as coming up with dumb things I could do as a potential producer if I decided to go balls to the wall with them (I didn't). Went to the premiere of A Very Retarded Alien Christmas movie and got to see myself speak on the website like a real human. Went to Jury Duty. Then the area all went to crap again.

December 2014: You are definitely ready for some mindless social interaction and some awesome brain candy in any form. Just hold the stupidity and thoughtlessness, please. Oh, and the seriousness, too. Otherwise as strong case of bah humbug might just set in
This thing thinks I'm social.
I took a break, I had to be quiet. I wrapped up a few issues that I left hanging on this journal. I figured out my new mindset as a survivalist who wasn't having the anxiety even though it still happened. I limped my way towards the new year and was happy for the time off. The End.

So I guess it wasn't all in my head, that I wasn't just thinking everything sucked because of depression. It started out good at the beginning of the year and then imploded. Good? Well, I'll see you later. Let's just go with that.

January 1, 2015
Good Evening 2015!

Book: I'm working out another section of this game that the characters are in. It's like I know where they are and the purpose of this game but I still am having a hard time imagining a complete world or a different world than the one we live in now. I feel limited (magic, it's all magic!). I understand my needs of limits, I don't want to make it too farfetched. But then again, some of the things we have now seemed farfetched to people 30 years ago. Truthfully, there is only so many ways you can take a building, for instance, architecturally speaking and I think any possible combination that structurally sound has been explored on this planet already. Also, considering the games we have now, I want to kind of take it in another direction and I'm trying to make adversaries in this game different than the usual. That's actually really difficult but when I write it like a normal game it just seems really stupid to me. I've never been a gamer, so this is rather foreign to me. I see something and have an idea but this is beyond the normal parameters of running and jumping.

I'm going to take it easy on myself, I'm giving up the ghost on this being an option for a means of escape out of my current life (I'll get a finance guy and try not to be concerned about it but I still can't give him all my money). Perhaps this will help my outlook and improve the function of my mind, particularly since this probably is just very long anxiety attack and I don't want to numb my brain out of existence in order to deal with it. I'm doing well, aside from that, thanks. I bought a two hour massage/facial (deal things are awesome!) that forced me to chill out a week ago. I can't exactly explain what might be happening to me, something may have clicked in my brain so maybe I'll just leave it at that.

Aside from that, my New Years was spent at the hip clubs WURC, and MutterKaüch located in Soulard and downtown Belleville respectively. I used to feel bad about not wanting to or not being able to go out on this holiday but I realized this year that these parties just aren't that interesting for teetotallers, in fact they're down right boring.

Anyway, I thought I would revisit the predictions of last year's Llewellyn's Astrological Calendar and see if it remotely matches up to entries or what I think happened to me because I can barely remember.

January: It may seem strange to say, but your brain and consciousness are having difficulty just keeping up with the shifts in your reality, much less absorbing or processing them. Don't bother chasing all those wisps; what's supposed to stick with you, will stick. The rest is entertainment.
January 2014 was dominated by I guess my first few visits with Dinkelmann. I want to say it was earlier than that. I guess it was, because the spaziversary is in October and I was able to get off happy pill during the government shutdown. But I was getting into researching the human body, particularly any part that could have been malfunctioning from the various brain chemicals and their connection to my digestive system. I want to say my brain wasn't shorting out yet, it was kind of easy to get off the pill but I guess you could say that my reality was shifting.

February: It's your annual turn to shine. Thrown out all that self-effacing stuff and enjoy being you. This will lead to some powerful, creative insights and the energy to put them to use. That way the light shines inwardly as well.
Well, that's good advice even for now, even though I know humility is something that goes a long way. But you know me (you do!), arrogance is a pet peeve of mine so I wouldn't want to be that--I've noticed that it has a tendency to backfire spectacularly on people when it finally catches up to them. So what was I doing? I turned 30, I got a head cold. I went to the DMV! I was still obsessed with my brain and making it work or wondering if I was okay--so I guess I wasn't being that I was questioning it and slowly starting to freak out again (well, it's hard to tell, seriously). So I guess this month was wrong or maybe I should have listened better. Oh, I'm being self-effacing again--I'M AWESOME! Woooooo!

March: This is a selfish month for you, in a good way. It's time to address the imbalance between valuing everyone else unconditionally and criticizing yourself conditionally. Strive to question others more and be kinder to yourself
It's not that I want to be overly critical, it's just that I don't want to look like a fool. It's nice to have some checks and balances in that area (I mean, are you sure, are you absolutely certain?). I have a long history of being told I'm wrong, so I'd rather hear from myself than from others who may not understand my reasons for doing whatever. But valuing people, I put up with people and their flaws, possibly past the event horizon of sanity but if I were to dump everyone that caused me any amount of stress I would be a complete hermit and unemployed instead of just aloof. So what was I doing? I was ripping apart the book. I was back in the realm of the living, feeling everything, possibly all at once (again?!?!). I wanted to divide and conquer even though I may not have been 100% (I felt better than what I had been so it could have been an easy mistake). A friend of Curmudgeon died on my old floor due to pancreatic cancer. I got into researching acupuncture because I didn't understand it's power over me and I came to no real conclusion because it's kind of a mystery. I was having food problems, I wanted to lay off my liver (if your liver isn't happy, you aren't happy!) particularly with meat because I didn't think it was up to the challenge of digesting something heavy like that. In fact I wanted to purge anything from my life that was a toxic stew of industrial chemicals for a more natural life (liver processes all that crap out of your body and it can't if you're constantly sucker punching it with alcohol, sugar, or just plain overloading it). I was working on the outline of the book, or cleaning it up. See, if I accepted it as awesome then I would have a lot of plot problems. I did think it was awesome and pretty strong for a plot while I was doped out of my mind so I was second guessing myself. Work was also acting up (still, forever) with threats of more paperwork and probing. I contemplated my own likability or whether or not I could be a public figure if I were to make it as a successful writer (soooo no?). I posted an entry about two episodes of Super Soul Sunday which I thought were interesting from Gary Zukov and Eckhart Tolle.

Overall, it always seems like I was just a mess and struggling to keep it together and keep on moving forward. I'm oddly resilient in that way or just in denial about my own attacks. It looks like it was a slow thaw back into what I used to be off the pills and I guess I didn't want that and still don't.

April: The world needs you to lighten up this month. Yes, you understand the big picture of life, but sometimes people just want you to be there. It's your presence that's comforting--words can wait.
MAKE ME LIGHTEN UP! Also, I am comforting? What was up? I was pleased with myself for having a seemingly productive March in writing and outline clearing. I completed the outline, I met my deadline of getting it done that month, I was stoked! But then work exiled me from the Curmudgeon realm and made me into a drifter (I STILL WANT MY FLOOR BACK!!!! IT'S UNACCEPTABLE and barely tolerated!). I realized I was probed all over between work and google (though to tell you the truth, I find work less invasive). I went to the Retarded Alien movie premiere, I plotted out the inevitable Hallmark movie based on my life and time spent with the curmudgeons. What happened to me? I was doing so well.

May: The mundane parts of life call to you and, to your surprise you listen. You start thinking about renovating or moving or clearing out the clutter or hosting family dinners or exploring your family genealogy. Go with it! You need a little normalcy.
I'm always cleaning clutter and trying to finish projects. My house is kind of full of half finished things. Also, the answer to family genealogy, regardless if it's true or not, is horse thieves. Events: I got done with editing my opening of the book--which I consider to be the strong point. I filmed the interview for A Very Retarded Alien Christmas movie where I tried to remember any Christmases and failed! I cleared out my brain because I was started to get into the middle part of the book and was hitting snags (but this is what I consider the everyday and normal part of my book so maybe it was about that instead of my life). I did not adjust to my new vagabond life at job 2 because I was out of shape because I kept my floor consistently clean and nobody else did so I was getting put through the ringer filling in on other floors. I decided to deal with it as I thought it would go back to the way it should be by September because of a changeover that didn't happen. I remembered things from my past including all the films that were filmed here. I learned about adrenal fatigue, one of the many problems I have. I lamented that my brain used to fart out awesome looking plot things that were pretty much impossible and that I couldn't take creative liberties with. I got concerned about how violent crazy people are making the rest of us crazy people look bad. I still am. But what can you do?

June: Spring is in full swing and so is your need to create, but you are having difficulty sitting still or being still. Everything is in overdrive and you are helpless to slow it down. My advice is to enjoy the ride--just don't expect anything to stick.
This calendar has been pretty grim. It doesn't pull any punches. Happenings: Big old depressive fit. Don't know why, everyday stressors it looks like but the natural Dinkelmann happy pills might have saved me and I was able to get out of it. I was still working out theories about the root of what was wrong with me health wise. More office death (former employee killed himself). Learned of a successful local writer, felt like a failure. Continued to spaz out with adrenal glands, researched B vitamins and pernicious anemia.

So how is it that I am still able to put together a complete sentence after all that? I'll finish the rest of the year tomorrow. I'm tired. It's 1 AM. I need to sleep.

December 25, 2014
Tell me if this is starting to sound familiar, like I've said this before, it seems vaguely familiar. Now I think we've reached the root. I'm sure. I'm sure, I'm sure. Sure.... Let's just try to keep this in mind and remember it later on.

It's been hard writing lately even though I have managed to drag it out of myself, as of right now I have 79 words until I reach the halfway point of this book (that would be roughly 70,000 words total). During these past weeks I noticed something was off in that writing that I would have to go back and correct. That I would just end up writing action sequences where no one would talk, where my lead would only live in her head and it was to the point where her observations weren't very descriptive. I thought that was just my style or it had to be this way due to what I wanted to portray and how I wanted to portray it. I wanted to ignore this feeling of it being off because another birthday is coming up and I would like to get it done so I can work on being rejected by publishers. I hated the fact that I did have time at job to work on this book yet nothing much was getting done and I was slipping back into not having the focus to read anything.

I wondered where I have gone, because frankly I haven't felt like myself much to the point where I didn't recognize my own thought process.

But now here I am again, with time off (I should have taken more time, I am going to be losing all that I've built up soon but due to the interference that sometimes happens to this job, I've been having a hard time wanting to let some of it go) and I've come to realize what exactly has been happening.

Presenting the all new 2015 model of anxiety! DEFENSIVE ANXIETY!

Younger Erin had her anxiety, it was the usual panic based, full of worry. I think I counteracted that with a lot of sugar so it wasn't that noticeable. But as I aged, particularly within the last five or ten years I thought I had learned to deal with it or at least work around it. I learned to read people and situations, ultimately getting pretty good at predicting the probable outcomes. Then, of course, there was the happy pill which let me see the worst and the chaos happen to me and not feel anything at all. As I aged, I realized it did me no good to panic, particularly when the worst did happen and then kept happening many times over. And after I started to work on myself the hard way (diet, etc), I thought maybe I wasn't all that genetically corrupted, that maybe this world and it's food practices turned me into this bundled of frayed nerves.

I was determined to move forward but the world decided to test my resolve in these last few months. Actually, it's been happening all year, as Slate pointed out. It's just kind of strange that this is happening all of a sudden. That everyone online realizes they have a voice and that everything they say is relevant for some strange reason. This seems to be a very teenage activity but I know it's not all teenagers doing it. I remember when the internet was quieter. I wonder what happened to that (Do not give me that look, as a writer, I am permitted to do things like this).

I had found survivalist Erin, the old soldier (suck it up, jerk). In this mode I had quite enough of breaking and I wasn't going to let it happen anymore. Technically speaking, due to all my changes, I figured it shouldn't happen at all, I was/am healing. I had been through this too many times before anyway, what was left to contemplate?

The thing of it is, I haven't learned to deal with it at all, I just learned to compartmentalize it and put it in the queue of things to deal with when I have the time and I don't have the time. I had jobs to do--two that pay, one that doesn't but is vital, and a house and a fragile body to maintain. Places to be, appointments to be made, things to get into. Essentially, I think my brain still remembers how to numb itself from anxiety from the happy pill days. But instead of dissipating into an oblivion, it took refuge in my shoulders, so instead of feeling panic, I felt pain. I also saw age in my face, in the lines around my mouth that signified that my adrenal glands were not having it. Then fatigue would set in occasionally, along with the lack of focus, and I would forget things.

But I have realized something about my defensiveness. It all comes down to fear and I'm constantly afraid of not being able to trust anyone to have my back when I need them the most (An opinion out there may be that God always has my back but being that I am down here amongst meatsacks, I kind of feel that I have to or should be able to depend on my fellow meatsacks as well. Is it not apart of the biological function of humans to be social and to rely on each other for survival? Oddly enough, I am not impervious to this fact no matter how many times either I or other people deny it.). I'm not really sure where this came from or where it all began. Ultimately, I'm not creating or doing anything out of passion but out of this fear even though I have had calm moments of inspiration. Anything I do is in hopes to give me leverage against the world and as of late, I was done trying to get leverage to be a viable part of the world but to have the leverage to tune out the world. That in turn affected my world, because it functions similarly to my physical plane, and I was done dealing with other people's problems when I had my own that no one had even tried to help me with effectively.

So now I will rest for a bit, have a bit of a reset. I still want to write, I still want to create. I don't know what else I should do with my life aside from it (there's a part of me that is insisting that being myself is a viable career move--but that's only half true for reality stars), I don't know what I would do with all that free time.

So I will be catching you later, next year. Good night.

12/27 addendum: Ever since I think my teenage years, I've gotten the Llewellyn's Astrological Calendar every year. The first few months of 2015 seem rather telling:
January: Your favorite things about yourself--objectivity, tolerance, and detachment--seem to be lost as you decide it's high time that you take charge of everything and everyone. Adjust your attitude while you still like what you see in the mirror.
February: Your mental energy is pushing itself into the red zone, and you just want to scream. Normally you're in heaven bouncing around in your head, but right now you feel the urge to focus and create something tangible
March: You like change, but only if you thought of it. Well, how's that working out for you lately? You're about to find out, as something truly unexpected leaves you gasping for breath. You discover a deeper, inner fortitude
April: Too many people are talking and you can't hear yourself think, which means your creative mind is going in circles and nothing is finding its way to the surface. Before the crushing boredom and crankiness set in, take a break from people
May: Your amplifiers are turned up as high as they can go, and you are on a roll. Things are coming together on every level, and you simply won't tolerate any interference. Just remember: you need to eat and sleep.

On top of that they say Mercury is in retrograde during this time for me as an Aquarius (you sure it hasn't been longer?) which I believe (I'm not completely into astrology so I couldn't tell you the technicalities of all this, back in the day it was one of my life lines in trying to make sense of the world) is connected to communication. So basically, this could be a reason why I'm having a hard time writing (I'll take it) and that I'm going to get pummeled right out of the gate but it might be okay by June, though July and August may not be so great. Good? Yay....