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Last updated: Friday, December 12, 2014 at 11:00 PM CST


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December 12, 2014

I debated with myself as to whether or not I should discuss this one last time or just let it go and be done with it. Instead, I decided that I just needed a break and I tried to get back into my writing--and when that didn't exactly work I just stepped back and observed. But now I feel up to it, and I have some errant thoughts and questions I know I can never get answered.

Things have calmed down around here, they've formed a committee (weíre saved, they've formed a committee) to I suppose start making recommendations for changes to the area (yes, I agree there are some that we could use). Whether or not that actually deals with the problems or solves anything remains to be seen. I believe a lot of these open to the public committee meetings end up devolving into the public screaming at the committee.

But still, in the city of St. Louis (independent of the county of St. Louis, mind you) there has been a grand total of 148 murders for 2014. Car break-ins are back up as well as smash and grabs (people steal trucks, ram them into the front door of stores then rob the place, drive off in another car). But to tell you the truth, car break-ins have been rather common place around here.

I'm not too sure about St. Louis county so I went looking for stats and found this homicide map. That's actually really interesting to know.

I believe the outrage when it comes to Eric Garner and Tamir Rice (and I don't understand why there isn't more coverage of Rice--he has the strongest case and if a non indictment comes from this then I'll completely back that outrage). But I have to wonder one thing (and this isn't written out of anger or some sort of conservative bent--please do not insult me by calling me either of those names, conservative or liberal): At what point does compliance with the law become an unreasonable request? I know this is something that could alarm some people--as this is usually what is said before we all descend into a police state of tyranny (by whom? Obama? That would be strange...). But isn't there a certain level of noncompliance that goes along with these things?

Also for all that it's worth, (still not written out of anger--but a general inquiry), I've searched for this answer but what has Al Sharpton accomplished? Aside from coming here, holding press conferences, standing with the family, marching a bit, and annoying some people--what else has he done? I don't see him here attempting to get laws changed or consolidating the municipalities in North County into real towns so that there's more stability for everyone in the region. I haven't seen any indication that he's contributed to the rebuilding--not even for those minority owned businesses. I gave to the STL Together fund, it was the first one I heard of and I'm not signed up to gofundme. I really didn't care where the money went.

It's been 22 years since Rodney King, shouldn't he have lobbied to get some sort of law change or anything really? Please someone correct me if I'm wrong. I would still like to believe the best of people--don't take that away yet. At any rate, if all those who show up to protest and get arrested actually organized like this in all elections, they could have already changed the world. If all those college students (Hi Harvard!) devoted their time or their career paths into this system, the system would be changed. But I won't completely criticize them even though protesting is easy, screaming at things is easy, and tearing things apart is easy. I know laws are convoluted and can be hard to interpret or understand, and it is hard to keep up years of devotion to a cause as you work quietly on from the inside (much like our 21st president, Chester Arthur?) with the challenges of everyday life that can distract you or get in the way. But in order to change something, you have to understand it and in order to understand it, you have to become a part of it or at least study it well. I know we are supposed to rely on our leaders but sometimes that doesn't happen (a lot of things are supposed to happen but the world doesn't work that way), I learned this a long time ago as a crazy person. Not everyone can save you or protect you. Why wait for a baby boomer to finally do their jobs right? They had at least 30 years of being in control and for all their self-aggrandizing there are still massive problems that seem to only get bigger.

I would like to add something else to add to this Chris Rock article about Hollywood. It's partially finances (or draw of audiences) that minorities don't get generic roles that may not require a specific race (random action star for instance) but it might also be the writing. Most writers are disproportionately white and male, sometimes we're white and female (yes, I am aware minority writers are out there and are probably not getting hired much). But the thing is if someone like me were to write a minority character in my own voice, I'm sure I could get accused of whitewashing them (write what you know!). Because white people either can't or shouldn't be able to understand the nuances of the cultures or if we do try then we're doing a misappropriation of the culture. Luckily though, I can get away with avoiding all that in scifi because all those nuances don't exist outside of this planet (Star Wars finally figured that out--darn it, I wanted to be first). But like George Lucas, I would have ended up writing what I knew had I not insisted on involving my 12 year old friends and modeling the characters after them then sticking to it all these years. I take great strides in development for these characters. Though now that I do think about it, I would like to see what would happen if someone reshot something like Gravity or Interstellar with a minority cast. Even though it is terrestrial scifi, those nuances don't matter to the plot.

But I'm not sure why he would want to subject minorities to star in mediocre, forgettable movies that are usually lead by white people like pedantic horror films or terrible rom-coms. Or why it's too late for Leslie Jones--she seems to be doing well (unless my definition of well is not the same). Sandra Bullock started past the prime age too, who knows what's going to happen for her. And she finds ways to get on the show (if you really want go for it, let her do any impression of anyone--man, woman, any race whatsoever just put a sign around her indicating what she's supposed to be). Sure minority lead films must be done outside the studio system but doesn't that give the artist complete control over their creation? That sounds like a better deal to me but then again, I'm a bit of a control freak (I know, books are different though, like I said: no indie cred, just crazy).

As for Electric Parlor. I read their summary more carefully and saw the part about having to hire that PR company instead of chase after A&R reps that may be becoming the way of the Dodo bird. I went back and forth with myself as to how much or if I should throw money at this thing (nope, didn't recklessly throw down or make it rain!). Then I finally broke down and decided to probe. Here is what was said:

Good Evening,
You have my curiosity but with that comes questions.
"We have been talks with a couple of distribution/publicity companies to help with this and the prices vary among them."
Okay, who are they and why do you trust them? Do any of them have any sort of proven/successful track records? I know things are different now from what it used to be for musicians with the advent of the internet, but why is this somehow better than going the traditional route of throwing demos into the wind? Have you tried to send anything on your own to small indie labels who would most likely not send you straight to the reject pile right off?

"All of these challenges once completed will lead to a broader reach for ELECTRIC PARLOR resulting in bigger and better gigs."
Is this a which comes first kind of situation where you don't get gigs unless you have some sort of clout but you don't get clout unless you have gigs? Does it count in LA if you go outside of the state where you would be accepted easier to do an extensive tour? I know money is most likely an issue in that matter and starving is not a challenge you would like to face but are you able to take a short sabbatical from your jobs? Is it also not possible at this moment to get ad revenue on your youtube channel?

Do you plan on expanding yourselves in terms of style as artists if you make it as the years go on?

This is a situation I have a vague understanding about--I want to say that's all the questions that I have.

Nov 22, 2014
Hi Erin,

First off, thanks for contacting us and your interest in what we're doing here. I'll address your questions below.

-Okay, who are they and why do you trust them? Do any of them have any sort of proven/successful track records? I know things are different now from what it used to be for musicians with the advent of the internet, but why is this somehow better than going the traditional route of throwing demos into the wind? Have you tried to send anything on your own to small indie labels who would most likely not send you straight to the reject pile right off?

*As you mentioned, things are very, very different than the music industry was even a decade ago. Labels at one point fostered new talent. They used to have A&R reps that went and found music with potential and invest in the acts hoping for a return on investment. Nowadays, with the lack of sales and disposable income to invest, it's much harder to get a label to back you in the early stages. They want to see you establish yourself, build a stable following, and show that youíre a safe investment. Now to answer your question- we have and will continue to submit to indie labels. However, we have no ambition to wait around hoping for a label to swoop down and whisk us off to success. Therefore, we need to become our own label and build our own team. They are basically a bank that invests in networks to help their clients (bands). Their strategy is effective and it's all about having the resources available such as a PR agent and a distribution channel. The two keys factors are basically access to networks that one, we don't have and two, are instrumental in developing a presence in the industry. As nice as it would be to have a label back the PR/Distribution, that's not the case at the moment. As such, we need to build it ourselves. It's a new DIY generation of musicians and we're embracing this reality.

As far as who they are, there a several independent companies that are hired by record labels and freelance bands/musicians alike. One of which, we've actually been "short-listed" thanks to us submitting our work to on of their contests. Out of 6,000 submissions, we were put on a list of 20 bands they have selected to receive a sizable discount for their services. We've talked to several places and I've contacted bands that have worked with those respective PR firms to see how their experience has been. We're all about quantifiable results and we've positive results with some and less with others. We understand the implications of contracts and we've taken the time to do our research and diligence here. Proven track records are crucial. Distribution companies are easier as their network is more tangible and the results are quantifiable.

-Is this a which comes first kind of situation where you don't get gigs unless you have some sort of clout but you don't get clout unless you have gigs?
*LA's a notoriously competitive environment for a band. We know this because 3 out of the 4 us are from other large cities in the USA and the situation has been massively different. LA is a place where you HAVE to pay your dues before you can have any expectations. In fact, the only thing you can expect is that you will have to pre-sale tickets to get a gig at most places. DIY again, the venues don't even promote anymore; it's up to you to draw people and make it happen for yourself or forget getting re-booked. However, what LA does offer is a "scene" in which most other cities lack aside from Nashville, Austin, Vancouver and NY. There's more potential for the small fish in the big pond then the big fish in the small pond. We've been part of this scene for a better part of two years playing various places all over town. We've established an effective group of promoters who book us at various places around on a regular basis. This has been great! But, we want bigger gigs, we want gigs opening for bands at the next stage in the industry, because that's a great way to build an audience, appeal to a larger mass, and grow as a business/band. If we had a label, they have the network established to get us the publicity that would build a "buzz" about us. But we don't, so we'll do it ourselves, a proper PR agent goes a long way in helping appeal to booking agents booking for bigger touring bands in town as well local venue just looking for a bands with a solid following and popularity.

-Does it count in LA if you go outside of the state where you would be accepted easier to do an extensive tour? I know money is most likely an issue in that matter and starving is not a challenge you would like to face but are you able to take a short sabbatical from your jobs? Is it also not possible at this moment to get ad revenue on your youtube channel?

*Touring is huge and it definitely counts to build a buzz even in your local town. But, unless you have a trust fund or a sizable following to support your gigs on the road and to eat, it takes a proper premeditated process to have a successful tour. Mostly, it involves money and using it to promote the tour upfront so people come out or getting an opening slot with a bigger band. In the end you're probably not going to get paid much playing to a venue with only a few people in it. So, one we need to establish that network of publicity which can help us get the gig opening for bigger bands or interested in a label that wants to help or just to have a sizable following on our own that would support our band on the road enough to get by. This opportunity will come one way or another just a matter of time and diligent work. At this point ad revenue would be minimal due to a small following at the moment. It's an investment at this point, we have our own ad's running on various platforms that is helping establish that following we need.

We all work day job's and every extra dollar we have goes back in to the band and helping to promote it. We all have either a job that is flexible enough to indeed take a sabbatical in order to pursue our ambitions when the time comes or a job that is considered disposable/replaceable in the pursuit of success. They're jobs, not careers, a necessary evil at this point, but ultimately our focus is on our art.

-Do you plan on expanding yourselves in terms of style as artists if you make it as the years go on?
*I think time naturally forces evolution in individuals and consequently their respective art evolves. Evolution is natural, we embrace it, in fact, we have tons of new tunes we've already written and I can say with confidence our next album will have a different feel than our first album. I would be worried if we were becoming stagnant and not changing honestly. Dynamically, as musicians we are all so different though and we harbor such different influences that every new song is an opportunity to embrace and utilize our differences. I think the key here is a natural evolution. We don't ever want to seem contrived for the sake of establishing relevance. It's all to common and I think it transcends into a lack of conviction in a lot of artists music.


This all speaks to a larger point. We all feel this endeavor we're on, is larger than us. The music industry is in disarray, everything angle of it is flexing and changing and popular music is more disingenuous than ever. It's the norm for lip syncing, backing tracks, pro tools exploitation, and for a guy in a cubicle to have written that catchy song on the radio that a popular artist is playing. Music is as much an art form as any other form of self-expression and it unfortunately, in many regards, has traded in the self-expression part for financial ambitions. We want to be part of the renaissance back to honest music with genuine conviction. We're not in it for the money, which I think is one of the reasons we have what it takes to endure and succeed.

I hope that answers some of your questions! Please feel to contact with any other questions you may have. Also, regardless of whether you contribute to this campaign or not, we hope you enjoy the music and that you'll you join us on our musical journey.

All the best,
Electric Parlor

So instead of going for a freedom ride, I decided to take a leap of faith backwards (even though I still struggle with you meatsacks) and signed up for a pledge, even though I could have just thrown money at it and not gotten anything. Mainly because they have no benefactors other then themselves and their jobs, they don't suck, they have a plan even if the best laid plans fall apart, and they knew what they were talking about (I am a benefactor of the arts. I am a giving person, I am a nice person, I am a giving person, I am a nice person. I am a liberator of dreams!). The game changed so this may be the best option, (though Isaac Hanson may disagree with this notion as he posted the workharder skit after it was too late for me). I'm so glad that I am not attempting to do anything in the music industry. Not even random noises on a didgeridoo.

I am going to get back to my writing, though and possibly get an investor person (it's hard figuring out who would be the best for this or good for me) because I still only have a part time 401K from job 2 after the original management from job 1 stole mine. I also feel it might be for the best at the current rate our law makers are going (Keep dragging those feet Senate but you know it's career suicide if you fail to vote and pass it, so just get it over with! They have until Monday to vote this budget in and IT'S ONLY FOR 9 MONTHS! That's great!). I'm not bad off due to my hording over the years but I don't want it to be the only source of security if push comes to shove. I'm still a bit hesitant though, Bruce trades on it and hates it for being so easily manipulatable by people with millions/billions. Iíve got a few names but its hard figuring out who would be the best for this or good for me via google search/websites. A girl's gotta save herself and I've done too much and been through too much to get that money on job 2 so I don't want to lose a large amount of it to somebody when itís something I don't exactly understand.

I recently got my handwriting analyzed as well at a Christmas party. The analyzer lady said there were two different Erins (there are many Erins)--because my signature differs from my handwriting--famous people have this trait apparently. My writing indicates a shy person but my signature is theatrical and larger than life, creative (because I put a lot of circles in it). I don't exactly plan (because all my plans tend to fail so I quit), but I do like to make things happen and finish things (because I rarely do get anything done--only because I tend to have to do everything myself, alone--only because people seem to think my ideas suck). She said letters like y, j, and g reveal this. The line on the sheet of paper is the plane of reality. When you write those letters cursive, you're supposed to bring it down and back up into the next letter. I write a hybrid of cursive and print so I usually bring those letters straight down or curl them around in the bottom all fancy like. This is bad because the first part of the down turn of the bottom half of the letter is your drive, but the follow through is the part that comes back up. And if it never makes it back over the plane of reality, then you never finish anything. It teeters off into nothing. She told me to work on this by writing the word jay on a third of a piece of paper for 21 days. Then that should change my habit.

Merry Christmas.

November 24, 2014
Here we go.

CBS affiliate

STL Post

Fox affiliate

At least 5 business fires (as of 10:55 PM), car fires, looting, I-44 shut down--protesters were standing on stopped cars on the highway. They are not blameless victims. They need to take a hard look at themselves before blaming other people. There isn't any more that needs to be said that hasn't already been said.

11/26 Edit:Except for this

11/29 Edit: 13 businesses ended up being burned down and many more were looted. I don't know who owned what, but most of the owners that the press interviewed were black women. Here is a list of places people can help and donate money. I've already contributed, it was the least I could do.

I also tried to find this article on any mainstream news site but I had heard about it before.

November 19, 2014
First, they found me. Then they wanted to know who I was, what I was all about. I told them without hesitation but did not get any verification that it was received in return. I asked when they'd be back for me. They gave me no answer. Silence. I was told to get on with my life--to forget it ever happened--it was assured that this would never happen to me. Then the summons came--I had been chosen. They gave me vague directions. I had to follow them exactly or I would be persecuted. Hunted, they would find me--they knew, they always knew. I listened to the directions on the other end of the receiver--it told me that I was needed. I had to report to them, I had to go with them. I had a duty.

Saturday night, under the cover of darkness, I was told by an automated voice that I needed to report to the county courthouse at 8:30 AM Monday. Still, like everything with this, I was surprised (it was a fast turnaround). Sunday was spent trying to call everyone and their uncles--telling them that I was chosen even though I had informed them of it earlier as well as trying to make a plan of action as to where to park at the courthouse--which involved a parking garage that I vaguely remembered. It was a good plan until I got there and realized that everyone else was already there and that the parking garage was already full. I was right on time when I pulled up in my car so I really needed to find a parking spot and I wasn't going to circle the building a few times just to park at a meter and have it run out on me. So I found an outer lot of the nearby hospital to park in--but it was 3 blocks away. I then ran for it, which I had a hard time doing since it was like 20 degrees out, and some of the sidewalks were covered in ice as well as there was some curb construction I had to maneuver around. I ended up being 15 minutes late and when I did make it up to the fifth floor, I found that it didn't matter because there was already a horde of people standing in a big line. It was what they called Jury week and for all the trials they were having, they had chosen enough people to cover them--around 400 (nice mix of people, I'm not sure if it was all us outlanders of the county though). It was also traffic court day, so that explained why so many people were there in the first place. Eventually they herded us into a room, some got their parking passes validated but we all got buttons to wear that said Jury on them. They briefed us--what we can and cannot do with your phone, where we can and cannot go in the building. Either you get on a jury or but there will be some cases that will be settled out of court so not everyone will be needed. If you are not chosen then you have to call back every day after 4:30 PM to see if you are needed until they dismiss you. Then they herded us back into a break room area that was connected to the jury room (maybe that was a court room--it was weird had one long desk in front, a few rows of desks facing that desk and a viewing area). I found a chair to sit in so I read the paper, read my Entertainment Weekly, then I got tired and took a nap for an hour. Then they started to randomly call the numbers for the trials--for one they called 57 people. After that, I suspect they would interview people but I never got that far because my number wasn't called. So I kept calling (UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Why doesn't anyone want me??!?!?), and finally by Tuesday night the automated voice told me that they were done with me. That was it, it was all over (just use me....)

It was a nice half of day off but then I realized I had time sensitive stuff that was waiting for me at work that I had to hurry up and do when I got back.

Anyway, it appears our friends, Electric Parlor have been funded (I am raising my left eyebrow at you, impressive). At least 3 people ponied up enough to get them over the 3 grand threshold in the last 24 hours. Don't know how or why or who (except for a guy named George?) or what was bought. I still kind of feel like contributing, still not sure what. The $250 pledge is kind of up in the air now--there's talk of another shut down vacation and if that happens, I need to save leave (or not, to tell you the truth it's not as threatening as it was and I'm failing in the caring department). But still, if that happens or when it happens (yes, when? I think the government loses funding or needs a re-up in mid-month December) it could easily screw up going somewhere because I think I need to be around when they do finally call us back in. Regardless of what happens, it still requires advanced notice--because I would like to save money. Buying tickets and hotel rooms cost less the farther out you plan. I really didn't want to go with the 3 grand pledge anyway--there is a distinct possibility that their promises may not last very long due to the fickle nature of the music industry, that their success isn't guaranteed no matter how much they believe that it is (even though they don't suck--although they may need to use more or find some melody--average meatsacks like to dance!). If anything from what I learned from that article, I just wanted a 10% cut of the album sales (still leaves them with roughly 23% each) and a cut in secondary exploitation rights just in case they did make it.

But I was looking forward to molding them into the number one Taylor Swift cover band (Yeah, you wanna know what makes money? Taylor Swift makes money--so your band's name is now Taylor Swift. She does know how to write clever lyrics...).

I'm just surprised that people came through for them--things like that aren't supposed to happen to mortals (it came too easy, never trust anything that comes too easy). There's no way I could make something like this happen for me so I learned I had to take care of my own funding if push comes to shove. Rule number one for women and artists: Don't ever be desperate.

November 16, 2014
Find it, Erin, find it! You get it? You get it right there? Research research research research.. This article pretty much answered some of my questions about our proposition. The bigger the operation, the more convoluted it gets; the more people involved, the more lawyers get involved; the more lawyers and other people are involved the more they tell you what to do (and where to go and how to get there). And then there's the distinct possibility that after all this, the artist pretty much becomes a fancy, well-known hobo because everyone else gets paid first (oh, someone wants a "livable wage" they want to "be able to afford food" pfffffft). The music industry is kind of convoluted when you get down to it, particularly since technology has made it possible to let artists do things on their own off the bat. Despite big music conglomerates being dubious at best (as Hanson has relayed to me, many a year ago), I thought it might be somewhat profitable until they do end up screwing them and dumping them on the side of the road because of the exposure and the money being a bit better at that level (and if they invest well then they don't have to worry about them dumping them on their butts and they could get their own Behind the Music special). I saw Indie record labels as a lesser evil and might provide a happy medium between toiling in obscurity and toiling in the spotlight. And as far as I knew all artists had to do was cut a demo and badger people (or show up in spandex and shake their money makers--something like that).

Even though I haven't thought about mediums I could reach people in, there is a part of me that really wants to land a deal even though the pressure and expectations might make me more crazy, more often. There is just something about having my book existing in this physical world. It would imply that I wasn't hallucinating my talent level. Usually self-publishing implies desperation or insanity (we don't get indie cred in the book world) unless you are writing a smut novel. I hear those do real well in the e-book world.

Anyway, I've consulted curmudgeons and we've come up with really terrible producer ideas. This whole rock thing isn't working for us and we came up with the new direction I would be taking them in as a Yoko Ono tribute band (YES!). Either that or we abandon their current project and go in a more ambitious direction where they will be forced to create an epic rock opera for the ages based off my emo kid haikus that are mostly a meditation on Crabby Cat (Crabby Cat eats souls/Devour what is left here/It used to be yours). Both directions feature copious amounts of safety orange spandex and velvet capes for good measure, I will also be featured as a guest artist by playing the triangle or making inconsistent noises on my didgeridoo or saying the word 'yeah' over and over again. Genius.

At any rate, I still plan on waiting to see what happens to this. I've mulled through the pledges and cut some of the ones that aren't worth it like the $5 level and the $1,000 level. As I have no use or real storage area for a drum set without cymbals (unless this is for California residents, I presume shipping would be more than what they would earn in the pledge itself). I have no event space, or a large grouping of people to make this private showing worth anyone's while (nor am I rich enough eccentric to fly them to an odd location just for giggles). $250 seems pretty decent as I do have to keep bulking up my acting resume as lead extra but that would require planning and enough advanced notice so I may inform everyone and their uncles that I'm taking off. If I would go higher than $1,000 I would want some form of reimbursement as a hands off producer (I know, even though the orange spandex is a great idea). I don't know. The cost may not be an issue, I most likely will not be losing job one--it looks as if I will be getting a pay cut, though.

As for A Very Retarded Alien Christmas movie. Infinitely better than Retarded Alien (which is also available for purchase for 9.99 which you will watch because you hate yourself and they just won't let that turkey die a dignified death). There are believable characters and they have development and witty lines even. The only complaint is that the airport scene that I was in was a throwaway scene. It should have been cut even though it did provide the title of the movie (Seriously, he needs to quit testing his audience's suspension of disbelief--you cannot make paper snowflakes with a pair of fingernail clippers and a small child would not sit through hours of watching a grown man do this.). Perhaps it needed to have been expanded upon (as the main character in that scene had the least amount of character development) or rewritten without schlock. The mother also thought the ending could improve as it was just a feel good montage of singing and ice skating that didn't really wrap anything up. But somehow they managed to find a sales agent for this and he was desperate enough to take Retarded Alien as well and changed the name from Belleville (because it was named as a gimmick, wasn't even about Belleville, and wasn't really shot here--it was in Millstadt) to Retarded Alien (okay, Neila because NEILA IS ALIEN SPELLED BACKWARDS. DO YOU GET IT?). I guess they will keep doing this as long as they can or until something comes out of it. Their next movie is a sports movie titled: "Retarded Alien at the Bat." I worked through my brain again (still, forever!) and I'm getting back into a grove where I know what's going on in my universe (good!)--I just edited in a bunch of things last night.

I hope you have all learned a valuable lesson here today. I have to go. I don't know how long I may be gone--I got the word that I must report to the court house. But you need to stay here and work on behaving yourselves.



November 13, 2014
I'm on a website. Talking. I exist I'm an actual human being! They actually put it up (Top video, I'm at 17:45). I didn't intend on doing this, the Sister and I (fine, she's before me at 16:58) went there just to sign up but they herded us into it. I don't sing or I probably shouldn't on my own and I barely had any recollection of any favorite Christmas memories or any real recollection of at least a good one that wasn't average ("My favorite Christmas memory was that it happened"). I couldn't even make one up about my cousin coming home from like Afghanistan on Christmas or something (been done, contrived). I was also trying to avoid the pauses (Um erm ummmm and erm uhhhhh) like the sister did and I wanted to enunciate. Strange, I thought I had a higher pitched voice than that. I don't think that was my Kmart voice either, I think that one was a lot more pleasant sounding like a flight attendant (I used to do the store closing announcement). The sister's story was slightly true as it was two separate years/incidents that she put together. I want to say the dog one was true. But the tree one is true because she is talking about me crawling behind the tree and knocking it over (WANTON DESTRUCTION! THAT TREE HAD IT COMING! IT WENT AGAINST MY SENSE OF DECOR AT TWO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!). I'll tell you about the movie later but you can watch it now without my assessment for the low, low price of $9.99, located on the front page picture. Why? You ask too many questions. I need to go get ready anyway, I have to go to jobs tomorrow. Good night, sir!

November 10, 2014
It appears we have a proposition (I found a shiny distraction!) Everyone (or all five of you), meet Electric Parlor an up and coming rawknroll band here to save us from sonic monotony as we crawl our way towards death. Pleasure. I know of such people because I am hip, cool, and totally down with it. No, actually I have a distant connection to one of them from my past and I found this while I was rooting around and getting into things that I should have left alone on the internet (right, dear?). I've been observing them for a while now, and I was actually just going to leave them out of this record just to see if they had the discipline, conviction, resolve, and luck to make it on their own.

So here's the proposition--they need money for general expenses but mainly for mastering their debut album (I knew them before they were a thing)--they have decided to do this through kickstarter.

I have not signed up to kickstarter. I'm not sure if I should now. I'm not really down with getting all this stuff (I've never been into buying band merch, after 17 years with Hanson, I still don't have a shirt). And to tell you the truth, I don't know how much I would like to contribute. I could be a cheapskate and do $5, or to tell you the truth, I could easily fund the whole $7,000 (that's essentially a producer, right?) or I could spend that much going to Florida, riding the Vomit Comet, and staying in a really sweet hotel.

The thing is, I am skittish about charging that much at one time, particularly on the internet (I might have to get over that in the future, particularly if I manage to have kids), I'm not even sure what my limit is on the credit card. That's pretty much what stopped me from doing the Vomit Comet--that and I suck at planning trips or even going through with them on my own. If anything I would just send them a cashier's check or something through the mail.

I have questions concerning this as well (well, I could sign up for it and ask).
Have they considered mastering it in places that aren't LA and are subsequently cheaper? I know around these parts there's a music industry of sorts Nelly created a whole school just for music production. What about college kids, would they do it for next to nothing, if not nothing?

Did they even look into label representation? Or are labels so snooty and full of themselves that they won't consider them at all? What about tiny independent labels? What about weaseling your way into South by Southwest like Hanson did (but then again, I'm sure they're the only people who could get away with that)?

What about the wonders of the internet? They have the youtube but what about paying to get their stuff on Itunes, Spotify, Pitchfork (that's a thing, right?)? What about funding through ads on youtube (somehow people make money doing channels, I'm not sure how)? I want to say there are more outlets out there, I'm just not all up in it (I haven't even begun to research things out there for books--I figured I'd do that when I managed to fart out this book but I have heard that self publishing can cost upwards of $24,000--so I can't be all flippant about this. Then there's the loss of job one possibility--it's been really quiet concerning this).

The touring option is probably limited due to the real jobs and I guess it must be hard booking gigs out in LA since everyone is doing the same out there.

So, what to do? Much to ponder. I might have to consult my curmudgeon associates.

If you're out there and want to convince me, you know where to find me (email linked

In the mean time, I'm working through my own brain (just went to Dinkelmann today--more pills more often, he said I should eat more protein--I recently noticed I lost 4 pounds that I didn't need or want to loose most likely due to the fact that I'm just not eating processed junk). On Thursday, my newest film (in which I play the esteemed role of Lead Extra), A Retarded Alien Christmas is having it's world premiere at the theatre in town, so we'll see how that goes.

Okay, let's keep an eye on this, report back to me all your findings. I'm out!

November 5, 2014
Side note: Wow. I see what Illinois did going all republican. Things must be really bad if half the state goes for this (yeah I'm kind of not sure about this guy but I'll give him at least four years--he can't do too much more damage than what's already been done). I kind of figured with Chicago and even some other metropolitan areas (including my county) that we'd always end up Democratic by default but I guess I underestimated people--that there are more people out there that think for themselves. Even my congressional district went republican and I thought they'd never do that (Ultimately, I voted for Enyart on that one, even though he was placed in the position, he seemed to understand the scope of things across party lines and as far as I know he wasn't corrupt.)

I'm starting to feel like I'm over staying my welcome here. But I need to work all this out, get it out of my mind, and stick it in yours (I am a giving individual! Come on, see me through!). Do you want to hear more theories about what's bugging me? Of course you do.

I once heard that children are closer to God and have an inate sense of faith--that as we grow older we lose it. But I don't think we just lose a faith in God (a force beyond yourself, if you will), we're all slowly slowly losing faith in ourselves, each other, and the world around us. Our raw emotions and personal battles are our feeble attempts at hanging on to it. As well as our relentless searches in finding objects that give us value or what we think is value to other people, along with any sort of stimulant to make us feel anything or to help us forget what we lost. Depression is a loss, it's a loss of faith.

When I go analytical and research things relentlessly--I'm looking for a renewal in faith or to keep what I have left imperviously protected. But in order to hang onto what little I have in this world, I have to shut down my emotions in order to not get attached and ultimately disappointed. I'm having a problem writing this book because my characters at this point still have their faith. I'm reliving the moment I got my faith ripped out of me. I know the same fate is coming for my characters and it's like I can't do it to them because this book is an offshoot of myself. I still have a sense of mercy for myself, oddly enough (it's weird, for a depressed person I sure do like myself a lot and I barely let people determine my self-worth).

I need to find my faith again. Otherwise, I'll always be running on the defensive. Good night.

November 4, 2014
One of my inevitable paths in life leads to being a Rich Eccentric Hermit (sometimes, I see no other way). This is my masterpiece--a version of my Halloween ruse for next year with no limits on money, manpower, time, or energy and with a team of lawyers on retainer (otherwise known as not happening, not even with kickstarter because I know there is no way I could bribe people into doing this).

This is also what happens when you leave me to my own devices without any shiny distractions like the internet.

Two of the fates, Clotho and Lachesis stand at the opening of a maze that leads off in three directions. One direction is really awesome looking--the past of least resistance. One is an average looking road, and the last is the hard road (only this time, the path of least resistance is the hardest road you could take). They will tell anyone entering which path they can go down, but you can defy the fates and go down the road of your choosing. Kids can either participate in a group or go it alone, but if they decide to go in a group, they risk getting separated from their group (and they will--but there will be a chance to meet up with your group if you find it later).
The maze is full of obstacles--mostly of mental prowess, I'm not sure how any feats of physical stamina could work here. There are also hidden cheat paths that if the kids find them, that will allow them the ability to avoid obstacles (secret doors). There are some paths that seem empty that have hidden obstacles or just lead you back to where you came from.
Some mental obstacles: Working through a problem with half the resources available to complete the task, making a decision between two evils based on vague information, balancing a budget, basic abstract adult issues that seem so simple to the young yet get complicated as we age. Answers are not right or wrong in the sense that it would stop someone--they just leads down different paths with different challenges. With the exception of one history challenge--A history question is asked, if they get it wrong, they go down a path that leads them back to where they came from where they would repeat themselves until they learned from it.
There will also be video screens of older people trying to give advice on where to go or what to do. Maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong. If a kid struggles too much--a worker (or even other kids if they feel compelled) may come to save them. Maybe not.

All paths lead to the wheel of candy fortune that is spun by the last fate--Atropos. The wheel is filled with a wide variety of treats, and even some empty spaces because even if you put all that effort into getting something you could still end up with nothing (or if you skim through the maze, you still might end up with nothing). This also has to change every year.

This is the perfect allegory to the life that awaits them--that kids are rarely told about--it's also a perfect plan to give a whole generation a mental complex.
The curmudgeons and I had a good laugh at the prospect of this and the aftermath--one considered it borderline Willy Wonka.

Anyway, back in reality (oh come on, must we?) I see the election there. Hi, election. I'm not too worried about it, I'll wait for results later. I voted all over the place on Saturday, even for some of those Libertarians, who can be dangerous (to sum them up, their mantra seems to be "Do what you want, but we won't save you." Even I see disaster is eminent with that kind of thinking but I voted for them for small positions). And if you must know, I found out more about Cook--he apparently changed the spelling of his first name to run for county treasurer and his stint as mayor was apparently real bad. So I went with the corrupt individual already in office instead of the individual who is vying to be corrupt in office. They rely on us to not pay attention to the corruption, because if they aren't blatantly corrupt then the average voter won't stay mad at them long enough to remember to vote them out at the next election. And yet, there is no website devoted to a collection of information from the news for people to research these jerks (and we all know how google can be manipulated in what shows up first). Ultimately we must remember that this is our country and not a sporting event.

Yay! Book? Slow and steady--this foray into madness proves I still have it, whatever it is. I guess I just have to believe in it--just like younger Erin used to do. Well, good night.

November 2, 2014
I'm sorry, whoever is out there. I'm sorry for my depression as of late. It's just that I sometimes wonder if I am wasting my time and if I'm good enough or worth anything and it gets to me that I can't do much due to said problems. So I end up ever the observer, and then I see flaws and I want to change those flaws but I can't explain anything to anyone and I can't stand it as the world goes on without me (but I live two lives, how is it that I can never get anything done in either?). It was connected to my book, as this book is rather foreign to me. But I'm good right now, so quick, let's go write something before my brain changes it's mind (this regimen I've started is doing something, my brain sometimes stops feeling so bad for no good reason but it doesn't stop it completely and I do reach my conclusions as to why things are bothering me faster). I think that's the thing about depression, once it starts you have to go find a reason or an understanding of why you're agitated. And it's hard to find a reason when your brain is content on dwelling on everything sucking.

I was also rereading the kitsune page and I realized something about my costume.
I must think an awful lot about myself (inadvertently).

Physically, kitsune are noted for having as many as nine tails. Generally, a greater number of tails indicates an older and more powerful fox; in fact, some folktales say that a fox will only grow additional tails after it has lived 100 years. One, five, seven, and nine tails are the most common numbers in folk stories. When a kitsune gains its ninth tail, its fur becomes white or gold. These kyūbi no kitsune (nine-tailed foxes) gain the abilities to see and hear anything happening anywhere in the world. Other tales credit them with infinite wisdom (omniscience).

1) That makeup is really cheap.
2) The fox species I chose was the Arctic Fox because I have a particular affinity towards them and it would blend in with and match the geisha costume better than a red fox. Arctic Foxes don't live in Japan but I didn't care.
3) I'm missing a few tails due to the color choices I made (Yes these things matter, accuracy counts even if no one understands it!).

Anyway, I got an idea for next year's costume already!
1) Dress as One of the Moirai preferably Clotho.
2) Have people not really get who I am because of lack of other two ladies to stand next to me
3) Set up a wheel of treats outside my house.
4) Have kids spin wheel of treats--all options land on nasty candies like those gross peanut butter flavored sugar wad things, except for one which gets good chocolate
5) Watch them really not get what just happened to them.
6) Watch them get mad at me
7) Profit?

It's awesome, you know it is. Why must I always get these ideas and have no way of doing them right? That is frustrating.
I also put up some pictures from New York. Myspace makes it hard to upload a lot of them all at once like it used to so I don't think I will be doing that. Most of the pictures I have probably are already out there and have been taken a million times before anyway so it's not like it's anything new. I have some other pictures of myself but I think I look extra weird in them so I don't want to put them up. Some of them have the family in them as well, and it's a policy here not to share their pictures on the interwebs (even though the sister does photos on some site--with the photoshop and whatnot, I forget where). I could try to crop them out but as of now I don't feel like it. I should really clean the pictures up a bit. Myspace made it all jumbled in and amongst itself and I think it deleted some pictures (I don't see the pictures of when I saw My Chem). Balderdash.

Fine, let's be good for now. Nobody make any sudden movements for a while. Smarten up, please, and be sure you don't quote things out of context. I care about you for some strange reason. Good night.

October 31, 2014
Mediocrely. Is that even a word? I read back on my last entry here--I see that sentence about either bad or mediocre politicians and I used mediocrity instead of mediocrely. The great and powerful google says mediocrely is a word but spell check doesn't like it. I like to edit sometimes, so it ends up being what I meant to say (yes, that too). But usually I just leave it as is here--I'm all authentic like that, you know, folky. I know my grammar is barely passable, so I guess editing other stuff can only take me so far here. I did manage to get through all 12 years of school without having a teacher properly go in depth on grammar with me. I also stunk at spelling but through my writing, Microsoft taught me. So until the grammar bot gets with it, figures out what exactly I'm saying in sentences, and how to correct it I am going to keep my spaz grammar. ?? I usin be grammar, do what I want! ,

The time is now 9:02 in the PM, I am done with the trick or treating, I had around 15 kids. I think that's my average despite the mother saying that the kids will be elsewhere as it is Friday and the kids do this weird thing called Trunk or Treating (Yes, small child come to my open car trunk for the candies, I ran out a few minutes ago go crawl in there and get a new bag. Sigh.). You know, when I was younger, we walked blocks, froze to death, and were happy for it. We didn't go wandering around in some parking lot looking for candy in people's car trunks. We got hit by cars, got threatened with razor blades in candies, and we liked it! Get off my lawn! I don't know what to do anymore about Halloween. Every year I go through this and I thought I had found a lesser evil of a solution. I don't like to give out the normal Halloween candy. All holiday candy is garbage. Since sugar is not my friend, I do not give out the sugar pellet candies. I like to give out chocolate, since even I know not to give out healthy snack things (though they had prepackaged popcorn balls or pretzels--I could have gone down that road). I have many options but I hate them all. Why? What they call chocolate is not chocolate--it's a waxy sugar wad with a hint of chocolate scent. I am a 25 year kind-o-sewer of chocolate and I know the quality has been going downhill for at least the past 5 years. Cracked always knows what I'm talking about and so does the healthy lady. In fact, I gave up completely on Hershey's and I will not waste my time on Milk Chocolate. Kids need to know what actual chocolate tastes like so they'll know that they're getting conned and promptly do nothing about it. It's just that it's hard to find half decent sized individually wrapped quality dark chocolate candies to pass out to the kids. My first year and this year I passed out mounds bars (a hard find as well). But then, I was at the Aldi store one year, I saw individually wrapped candy apples with chocolate and peanuts on them. Carmel is the devil but at least they would be getting something out of it--that is if they eat it. I wanted to do the same this year but they only had peanut and sprinkle covered ones, I was running low on time, and I have to buy them at the last minute because I don't know how long they'll keep fresh. Then there's the issue of buying just enough (I think one year I had at least 20 kids, they always seem different they usually come up by car because my neighborhood is kind of hard to walk--doesn't have sidewalks)--they're inexpensive but I hate being stuck with leftovers particularly since I can't eat it. But I may have to go back to the drawing board on this issue. Not only are the mounds bars half of what they used to be (and it's not just fun sized vs snack size) and the same price, I read the back of the package and realized that chocolate isn't the first ingredient. It's corn syrup. I thought out of all the candy bars, mounds were the best choice quality wise. I guess not. And yes, there is usually one weird kid who agrees with my treat buying choices and is ecstatic. Though one kid politely declined my candy apple. It was his loss.

I did have a few other ideas about Halloween costumes but I guess what it came down to was that I didn't have the time or energy to give it a good effort and I know they would end up looking shoddy. I'm particular with my costumes, not only do they have to be a good idea or unique that reflect my frame of mind, but they have to be executed well (and aside from the kitsune outfit I did a few times in the past 10 years, I don't think I ever have had the resources, talent, or manpower to pull that off). I had some other ideas this year but there are restrictions at work that cancel out most of my ideas and it's almost not worth going all out for one day. An easy idea I had was a news channel talking head, a mushroom,sexy Ben Franklin to the sister's Babraham Lincoln, and the Yip yip. But what I really wanted to do, especially for work was to be a giant eyeball.

Anyway, the matter at hand. I'm not exactly ready to go into my universe or able to. I'm tired, we had a potluck and perhaps something in the potluck was not my friend. I decided to get a flu shot this year and I was feeling a bit sick aside from that, I had to fix myself with congaplex and the neti pot. I ate my roughage with a bottle of kombucha for dinner tonight. I think that helped balance things out. I thought I was doing better with sugar and could do this occasional partaking but I guess not. I know that whatever it was is that gave me a bad reaction is essentially crap and not worth eating but I have to wonder if there isn't some way I can make my body break it down because it's annoying. I want to still say that my liver is having issues--the reaction this time was constant sneezing (or a histamine reaction) and a bit of a face breakout.

Let us rectify, still, forever (yes I do feel like I'm going around in circles, it has been noted). I was watching the tv while waiting for the trick or treaters and I turned on the Oprah channel on demand. I used to watch Oprah all the time growing up and she was probably the reason why I still had a grip on sanity--she always discussed ideas instead of just talking. But I turned on an old episode tonight on spirituality (what to do when your life goes to crap?) and I found I couldn't relate anymore. Younger Erin related. Younger Erin understood all this. I remember younger Erin, she was driven by compulsion and strived for goals with an unrelenting passion and optimism even though everything else sucked. She knew there was more to the universe than what we all knew, even though when she voiced that opinion she was called crazy. Not many people took her seriously mainly because she had problems talking to people but it was okay because she had her purpose in writing. She was going to make it and it didn't matter how long it took--all that mattered was that the story had to be good.

There was a problem, she wasn't that good at coming up with good consistent plot ideas though but at least she could come up with something. She also had this unrelenting faith in trusting people (even though people came and went), and trusting that she was going to meet someone who would help her see all this through because she knew she couldn't on her own. She couldn't convince anyone about anything. I originally thought that once I started to change into this Erin that it was for the best--that this was a loss of delusion, that this would help solidify my goals. It was a necessary death as well to survive in my past condition, even though it was at the hands of careless and merciless people. I think I was wrong and I think I still need that part of myself but I'm not sure if I can get it back or if the condition of my life allows her to come back. I need a balance between the two but for some reason, balance just isn't a theme in my life. I still want to believe that she's still there along with what I constitute as my heart because if I do get angry, I think that ultimately, I am defending her.

There's a part of me that seems to think that I knew I wouldn't be allowed to be completely myself if I didn't succeed at writing. Yet in order to write, I have to completely be myself and not edit myself in order to fill in whatever role anyone needs me to be (So it's not a shallow thing, it's a usefulness thing. I am a cog in a wheel of a machine that I don't fully understand what it does and on the occasion, do not care to know what it does.). The problem with that is that it threatens the employment as I have learned that not many people tolerate younger Erin and I need the employment because I am sickly. I could take care of that weakness more effectively if I did successfully make it as a writer. So on, and so forth.

In short, I guess life is just going to kick the crap out of me no matter what I do. I would like to believe that the sooner that I accept this, the sooner I can get on with my life or something. But I need to regroup and sleep (again--sleeping is good, sleeping is my friend). Perhaps one day then. Good night.

October 30, 2014
First, they found me. Then they wanted to know who I was, what I was all about. I told them without hesitation. Now they've come for me and I must go with them. I have been chosen. The summoning to jury duty has commenced! Mid November.
That was quick. I was almost convinced that maybe my education level would be a hindrance in being chosen. But I guess I'm one of the few people who actually filled it out. I have to call the Friday before the due date to see if they need me.

I thought I figured out why I was feeling voided (have I really? probably not) and was getting ready to try to leave this universe for a while to get back to my own. I was getting sucked into this madness by trying to do something about the problems that persist here then finding that most of these problems are too big and complicated for me to take on alone. Why do I take it on alone? I can't say that I trust other people's judgments. I presented the situation of the county treasurer position to a curmudgeon at work and didn't mention parties. He thought about it for a moment and said I should vote by the party I trust more (he's actually more into the democrats). It's like most people don't really want to see the situation as it is, they don't want the complications--they just want their strange fantasy that one party works over the other until it doesn't and not the reality that this reliance on the two parties to tell everyone what to think and how to feel or what they want to hear allows under qualified corrupted individuals to run our societies poorly or mediocrely at best. Politicians want people to get in line to these parties--to be taken by empty battle cries, glossy images, and soundbites. Thinking for yourself is hard particularly when the rest of your life is hard to contend with.

Aside from that no one really listens to me anyway so I usually receive little if any help if I do decide to do something. Because of this and the fact that I had to do something (chose what is right out of two options that are ultimately both wrong), I was getting into analytical mode (I am a cold, cold woman). I had to pay close attention, build an impervious argument, and take the responsibility instead of tune it out (technically, I am old enough to have inherited this world now, particularly the responsibility to keep it functional instead of being powerless at it's whims). I miss tuning it out, though. It used to be so easy.

I also didn't have the distraction at work of the internet whenever a whim prompted it anymore (I'm not constantly needed so I read a lot and I don't do facebook. I go after ideas and thoughts, I research my book (space stuff), I am a bastion of useless information that may come in handy some time later). So it's kind of hard to not be frustrated at everything which leads to my indifference and overall surrender in trying.

But enough of this, I need to sleep. I must do this all over again. It's Halloween tomorrow and I have to hand out terrible "candies" to the children. More on that later. I also had a hard time coming up with a costume until today and it's too late now to do it. I was going to be a sea hag or Baba Yaga. Meh.

Where can I find a half decent house with chicken feet at this late in the season?

October 25, 2014
Oh look at that, Ebola finally made it to New York City. I'm actually surprised it took so long.

Also a specification: I do not work for Ed who causes me problems by making me fill out more paperwork's past employers--we don't deal with what they do. I just don't put anything past them. I do wonder why we watch people like lone wolves if we never really do anything about it (because it makes them think they are doing something?). But what would be done if they did do something about it? Send out special ops team to go collect people from their houses once they detect suspicion--that right there is even worse than being violated by potentially being monitored. I do find it down right impossible for average individuals to be singled out if they have no connections to anything nefarious so technically speaking I don't think there's anything to worry about in that respect. I don't think there's enough servers to hold all the information on the vast majority of the population of the US--but then again we still don't know exactly what the great and powerful google is doing offshore. All I know is that once it's offshore a few miles off, it's no longer under US laws. Personally, I think marketing tactics, underhanded online surveillance and data collection are more suspect than anything. But what can you do about it? It is interesting to note that this is my generation's legacy--this is what we brought to the world--new and easy ways to watch each other.

But really, I think I get these attacks aside from the fact that the attackers are not well. They're trying to find a purpose, it's always a disaffected young man and they're desperate to do something to change (and it's sad that once they pull the trigger any humanity that they were once born with was already long gone). It's kind of a which came first thing with mental illness. The world has an effect on those of us with genetic dispositions but once it takes an effect, the world usually has no patience, tolerance, forgiveness, empathy, or compassion to deal with us which can perpetuate it further and solidify viewpoints that the world must change somehow or in these extreme cases, pay. The western ideas that glorify fighters who fight for what's right against this faceless tyranny must also play into this. But like most people they don't see perspective beyond themselves (I am fighting for what is right but what is right? We classify ourselves as freedom fighters or social warriors but others may see us as ter rorists.). It is concerning, because the vast majority of the mentally ill are not violent despite being much maligned (if anything, we're just unkind to ourselves). But I don't know what can be done to help these guys nor do I think the normals know either. A war of ideas can't be easily won with weapons. But how do you defend yourself in the meantime?

Tonight's adventure: voting research
In the local paper, I have received the voter's information booklet that lists all the jobs and proposals that can be voted on November 4th. I've figured out which ones I will be voting on and now I am researching. I know Illinois is broke and as far as I know it was due to some of our governors who decided to take an early retirement in jail. But it's hard to tell if we're less broke than before or if it's just going to be a long slog out of it and this is the best that they can do due to the circumstance or if the current leadership is still failing and we could have recovered already. I don't think I'm being unfairly taxed out of my rear end (but then again, I don't know any other way) and despite everything we haven't gone all bear apocalypse (there's still functioning schools, running water, infrastructure, even road work--road work is saying something usually those north of Springfield don't bother with roads in the south). I honestly don't mind paying taxes, the money for our stuff has to come from somewhere and I do live here and use things so I should contribute something. But anyway, I'm sitting here researching the candidates and it's so hard to find how they feel about anything or what some of them do for a living already. If they can't simply tell me what they're even running for aside from kicking out the old guard, I think that's a bad sign that they don't really know the job they're running for.

Let's take a look at the county treasurer race. Rodger Cook vs Charles Suarez. I see a lot of accusations against Suarez--that doesn't look good even though he's the incumbent and we're still functional. Rodger Cook has a background in politics as the former mayor of Belleville (between 93-97 which I couldn't tell you how good or bad it was but that was only one term and I don't know why he was voted out) but he seems exceptionally vague. Neither seem to have a background with accounting or even bookkeeping. Which one is the lesser evil?

I also think I figured out how we can analyze politicians on their effectiveness in office. We can take their voting record and manually skim through it and have the results next to it (which some people could do if they feel like it and don't trust anyone or computers) but we could also get an algorithm to do it because some records are decades long. I'm not sure what we would do about novices to politics aside from ask them their work history. Give them a list of word problems concerning their job position and post the results? But honestly, I'm tired of these over simplified solutions to everything (raise taxes, don't raise taxes!). It seems like we just don't go anywhere with it.

I'm feeling good, balanced, and I dare say stable again. I don't think I'll keep taking sertraline on a consistent basis, only if it gets real bad or if I can't control it anymore because I can't have it numbing me out of existence or threatening future Erin with Alzheimers (though Alzheimers might be caused by a different class of antidepressants). I did not miss the nausea and that was only half of a pill, I'd hate to see what would have happened with a whole pill. I took it wrong--once I took it, I remembered that I used to take it at lunch. This matters because I would work through the nausea while awake and by the time it was time to sleep I could sleep it off instead of be in a state of twilight due to an upset stomach but still be mostly asleep because the pill made me. Let's see if I can make it another year or longer.

As for the book, I'm contemplating a scene in a game. I struggle to make it interesting and am finding it hard to put in dialog (You don't talk in the game, you're in it to win it!). This section has a point but if I point out that point too well, it has a good chance of becoming pedantic.

Despite feeling pretty good, I still feel kind of voided in creativity. How do I get it back? God? Universe? Someone? Myself? Hello? I was doing so well earlier this year and I wasn't even delusional about it.

Fine, I need to go to sleep again. Good night

October 20, 2014
Happy Spaziversary! I made it a year and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to take a half of pill so that maybe it won't do too much damage to me. Work is doing things again and I was just too depressed and was getting angry at them. I seem to notice a pattern in my life--generations before ours but pretty much the baby boomers do what they want, get away with it, then everyone gets tired of it because it usually brings corruption, and then they create a bunch of rules. It's not that I hate rules and regulations, I tend feel insulted like I can't be trusted with my own life or like I'm still in grade school (and they created what they might end up blaming me for). They still let the smokers run out every hour on the hour (though there might be less of them now) but I have to be watched? So I dealt with it because it was interfering with my writing, I was drained--I was hating my book as well, I wanted to quit everything and find a hermit job. Which reminds me, I also felt like I was slowly being fazed out (they're serious about budgets now--like I said baby boomers do what they want) so I need to write down all my career contingency plans in case I'm right and not ready with the book--I had thoughts but I forgot to write it down. I didn't feel like writing stuff down anyway because too much depression was interfering and shutting down my creativity (I just can't be moody and productive, can I? It's just too much to ask?).

I almost had it under control, I would shift between calm and anxiety/depression, which is weird and it was real bad anxiety wise when I laid down (could barely relax my mind just kept going). I did realize why I was going through what I was going through. I was burning out a bit. My anger was actually fear. But at the same time, I've been through so much with this place that I didn't care if I was fazed out or not. But if that happened, I would have a hard time wanting to go work with people again (all they do is get in the way and cause trouble)--so I would wonder how long I could last on my savings--probably not long given my health problems. I did realize early that I needed to have savings. I'm unconventional and there aren't many jobs out there for depressive/anxious people that pay well. For the most part, I'm sure there aren't many companies that want to hire self aware crazy people--though there are probably a certain percentage of unchecked ones already working for them, so I needed to take desperation out of the equation (desperation can lead women to do very bad things) and to make it so that I could work any job regardless of pay and not be hurting financially.

Sure I could go back to job two full time but I'm not sure how long I would accept that, particularly without the pill. Ideally I would want it to remain part time while I put more effort into the book but I don't think I could get away with that--particularly with health insurance. I'm glad there's a better option out there than useless COBRA but I still think it sucks. When creating the affordable care act they should have just gotten rid of insurance companies and found some other way to scam people with health care costs and created new rules to annoy and/or ruin people with.

I'm drifting through time and space again. I took it at dinner--spaghetti--after eating a regular piece of bread. I'm not sure how I worked second job while on this. I became really floppy during yoga tonight and once they told me to lay on the floor, I wanted to stay there and not move. It was nice. I'm slightly nauseated and I'm trying to find light songs with a good bass line. Nothing too noisy. We were also doing proto-yoga, for some reason the teachers keep calling in subs for this session so we get people who don't normally do yoga but other exercising. So their ipoods are often filled with techno music--or something called Rally music. It's really hard to chill out with this going on.

So anyway, other things: turns out there is a social program to keep tax instability from happening in one concentrated area and wouldn't you know, it was already corrupted (way to go, meatsacks!). It's called Section 8! It's supposed to help with the rent by paying in full or contributing to the rent depending on where you choose to live--in theory that can be anywhere. But like all human endeavors, we manipulated the best of plans. Some complexes don't accept section 8, I've heard the excuses that it brings down property values to the houses around it. But then there are some complexes who want it all because of taxes and stuff (yes, that's the technical phrasing). I've heard of Section 8 before this, but I always was under the impression that section 8 was supposed to be kept together in section 8 complexes.

I also stand to be corrected. Apparently, the date has been pushed back so far because the evidence is a convoluted mess. I'm also hearing it might be released by the end of November but I wouldn't take anything concerning this as gospel until it happens. Things also have been leaked but I'm not going to get into that either. I just hope that when it does come out--that whatever the outcome (if he goes to jail, then so be it)--that all evidence is put out there, on a website, anywhere as it appeared in the court with detailed explanations of the law in layman's terms since everyone has an opinion on it from both sides.

Washington Post: light reading--Why we need to fix St. Louis

Other agitations recently included the elections as both parties and normal people aside from me realize that they suck. I've gotten tired of campaign promises (promises promises, but promises can be broken.) and I was over smear commercials. What I wanted was a record of their voting records and the outcome of the vote if there is one. The Belleville paper actually asked what makes the candidate think they're qualified for the job. I may also need a job description of the position. Yes, we all know the gist of the job but I'm sure there are things in the job that we don't realize that needs to happen that may prevent them from fulfilling promises.

It also came out in a article (Sins of Omission) that Ed--the one who creates problems for me with his releasing of documents isn't all that he seemed (which I won't post here--go find it yourself). I thought it must have been bad considering what he did but ultimately he threw away his nice life for nothing because he changed nothing. He could have changed it easier by rising rapidly through the ranks being as smart as he is. But I also heard he didn't read half he took to know if it was actually incriminating and this article also points to other issues of his that seem rather dubious.

In conclusion: Everyone sucks! And I don't feel anything! Yay! Back to writing. Or sleep. Good night!

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